Anxious attachment is a way of relating to others that is characterized by a great need for closeness and approval, as well as an intense fear of separation or rejection.
This type of attachment can negatively affect relationships, as the anxiously attached person may feel constantly insecure and worried about whether they are doing enough to maintain the relationship, which can lead to controlling or possessive behaviors.
In addition, fear of separation can lead a person to avoid situations that could jeopardize the relationship, such as making new friends or expressing their true feelings.
A study by Hazan and Shaver (1987) found that People with anxious attachment tend to have more conflictual and less satisfying relationships than those with other types of attachment.. It has been shown that anxious attachment is related to greater insecurity and lower emotional well-being in intimate relationships.
What are the causes of anxious attachment in my life?
The causes of anxious attachment can be multiple and varied. Some possible causes include:
- Experiences of separation or rejection early in lifesuch as lack of attention or care from parents or the loss of a loved one.
- Insecure attachment patterns in childhoodIf one of our parents or primary caregivers displayed anxious or insecure attachment, we are more likely to develop this type of attachment ourselves.
- Traumas or stressful life eventssuch as job loss or divorce, which can trigger or exacerbate anxious attachment.
- Negative beliefs about oneself and relationshipssuch as the belief that one is not worthy of love or that one cannot trust others.
A study by Fraley and Shaver (2000) found that the experience of early separation or rejection was related to greater anxious attachment in adulthood. Another study, conducted by Cassidy and Berlin (1994), also found that insecure attachment patterns in childhood were an important predictor of anxious attachment in adulthood.
Furthermore, it is important to keep in mind that anxious attachment is not necessarily permanent and that, with time and the right work, it is possible to change this way of relating to others.
How does anxious attachment affect me in my daily life?
Anxious attachment can affect our relationships and everyday life in a number of ways. Some of the most common effects include:
- Insecurity and constant worry about the relationshipThe anxiously attached person may feel insecure about the future of the relationship and constantly worry about whether they are doing enough to maintain it.
- Difficulty expressing feelings and needs. Due to fear of separation or rejection, the anxiously attached person may have difficulty expressing their true feelings and needs to their partner.
- Controlling or possessive behaviorsThe person with anxious attachment may try to control the relationship or be possessive of their partner due to the insecurity they feel.
- Avoiding situations that may put the relationship at risk. Fear of separation can lead the anxiously attached person to avoid situations that could jeopardize the relationship, such as making new friends or expressing their true feelings.
A study by Mikulincer and Shaver (2007) found that anxious attachment is associated with greater insecurity and lower emotional well-being in intimate relationships. Another study, conducted by Simpson et al. (2007), also found that anxious attachment is associated with controlling and possessive behaviors in relationships.
Put yourself in the hands of an expert
If you feel that you have anxious attachment and that this is negatively affecting your relationships, even being a fundamental part of ending them prematurely, it is important to consider the possibility of putting yourself in the hands of an expert.
A psychologist specializing in attachment can help you understand how your anxious attachment is manifesting in your relationships and develop strategies to manage it in healthier ways.
A study by Jones et al. (2014) found that Attachment-focused therapy is effective in helping people manage anxious attachment and improve their relationships.Another study, conducted by Levy et al. (2015), also found that cognitive-behavioral therapy is effective in treating anxious attachment and improving relationship quality.
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In addition to therapy, also It may be helpful to attend support groups or read books or articles about anxious attachment and how to manage it in a healthy way.It is important to remember that you are not alone and that there are resources available to help you work through your anxious attachment and improve your relationships.
How can I work on my anxious attachment in my current relationship?
If you want to work on your anxious attachment in your current relationship, there are several things you can do:
- Talk to your partner about how you feelIt is important to communicate your fears and concerns to your partner honestly and openly.
- Practice self-compassion. Learn to be kind to yourself and recognize that we all have fears and insecurities sometimes.
- Learn to express your feelings and needs in a healthy wayInstead of trying to control your partner or avoid situations that could jeopardize the relationship, work on expressing your feelings and needs clearly and respectfully.
- Practice confidence and independence. Work on trusting your partner and yourself, and on developing your independence and your own life outside the relationship.
A study by Mikulincer and Shaver (2007) found that Anxious attachment is related to greater insecurity and lower emotional well-being in intimate relationshipsbut that attachment-focused therapy can help improve this situation.
How can I avoid falling into anxiously attached relationships in the future?
If you want to avoid falling into anxiously attached relationships in the future, there are several things you can do:
- Work on your self-esteem and self-conceptThe more confident you are in yourself and the more you accept yourself as you are, the less dependent you will feel on the approval and closeness of other people.
- Learn to set healthy boundariesIf you feel like you are constantly giving in to your partner's needs instead of expressing your own needs, it's important to learn how to set boundaries and say «no» assertively.
- Practice independence and your own life outside the relationshipDeveloping your own interests, friends, and activities will help you feel less dependent on the relationship and have a more balanced life.
- Consider seeking therapyAs we have discussed, the psychologist will help you understand how your anxious attachment has affected your past relationships and develop strategies to avoid falling into relationships with anxious attachment in the future.
A study by Fraley and Shaver (2000) found that The experience of early separation or rejection is related to greater anxious attachment in adulthoodHowever, it is important to keep in mind that anxious attachment is not necessarily permanent and that, with time and the right work, it is possible to change this way of relating to others.
How can I support my partner if they have anxious attachment?
If your partner has anxious attachment, there are several things you can do to support them:
- Talk to him/her about how they feel. Provide a safe space for your partner to express their fears and concerns without being judged.
- Practice empathy and understandingTry to put yourself in your partner's shoes and understand how he or she must feel with anxious attachment.
- Help your partner develop their independence and their own life outside the relationship. Encourage your partner to develop his or her own interests, friends and activities and to have time for himself or herself.
- Consider seeking therapy together. The couples therapy It can be a great option for you to find bridges that unite.
As we have discussed, anxious attachment is related to greater insecurity and lower emotional well-being in intimate relationships.
However, they also found that support and understanding from a partner can be important in helping the anxiously attached person manage their fears and worries and improve their emotional well-being. Another study, conducted by Levy et al. (2015), also found cognitive behavioral therapy to be effective in treating anxious attachment and improving relationship quality.
How can I accept and love myself with anxious attachment?
Accepting and loving yourself with anxious attachment can be challenging, but there are several things you can do to work on it.
The first of them, practice self-compassionlearn to be kind to yourself and recognize that we all have fears and insecurities sometimes.
A study by Gilbert et al. (2009) found that self-acceptance is an important predictor of resilience and emotional well-being in anxiously attached individuals.
On the other hand, working on self-concept is also important: learn to accept yourself as you are and value yourself for who you are, not for how you feel in a relationship. Another study, carried out by Neff (2003), also found that self-compassion is an important characteristic for psychological well-being and resilience.
In addition, it is important that develop your independence and your own life outside the relationshipBy having your own life and your own interests, you will feel less dependent on the relationship and feel more self-confident.
In short, anxious attachment can negatively affect our relationships and our daily lives. If you feel that you have anxious attachment or are in a relationship with someone who does, it is important to consider putting yourself in the hands of an expert and working on your anxious attachment in a healthy way. Through work on yourself and your relationship, it is possible to learn to manage anxious attachment and have healthier, more satisfying relationships.