Why do I feel insecure in my relationship?

A few months ago, Sandra came to a consultation with problems of insecurity in her relationship: “I feel insecure in my relationship, I can't see anything positive, nor enjoy it or be calm.” Sandra, like many other people, is not feeling well in her relationship and goes to therapy seeking help to try to understand what is happening to her and try to solve it.

Insecurity is a feeling that generates distrust in your partner and this can make you behave in a cold way in your relationship or even in a controlling way. It is clear that if you feel insecure in your relationship it means that something is not right, but is it the relationship or is it you? This is the question that many people ask themselves when they feel that something is not right.

The insecurity that your relationship is causing you now may be due to personal reasons, such as past traumas that you have not resolved and that may affect your trust in people or have caused you this type of problem. Or even previous partners with whom you have had bad experiences (bad luck…), this type of thing can lead to security problems not only in future partners but also in yourself if it is not resolved in time.

Or maybe your relationship is making you feel insecure because of certain factors that you have perceived that you don't like about your partner, which make you feel insecure or insecure about the relationship as a whole. For all of this, it is best not to ignore these feelings, this will only make the emotions you feel intensify instead of disappearing, therefore, trying to resolve them is the best solution.

Identifying why you feel this way is the best solution to start tackling the problem. As we said before, the problem of insecurity may be caused by problems within oneself, that is, a lack of confidence as a result of some past event or relationship situation. In this case, you must be aware of what is triggering the lack of security and avoid relating it and harming your current partner, as this will only cause the relationship to deteriorate.

If you have had previous relationships that have turned out to be toxic, that is, an unhealthy relationship in which, for example, there has been infidelity or insecurity towards oneself, these emotions may continue to be with you despite no longer being with that person and establishing a new relationship with someone who does value you. This insecurity can make you see problems where there are none and think that your relationship is not going well.

Communication is key for a relationship to move forward; a good relationship is based on good communication. If your partner doesn't know how you feel, it's difficult for them to help you or for you to be able to solve the problem that you and your partner are experiencing.

Furthermore, a lack of communication will only serve to distance one another and that will end in an unhealthy relationship and cause a breakup.

Insecurity is a negative feeling that can sometimes make you behave in ways that you would not like or that are not good for you or your relationship. Anger, control, neglect or hopelessness may be actions that are increasingly present in you and with your partner and that, together with a lack of communication, will only make your relationship wear out and be doomed to failure.

Therefore, you need to be able to ask for help, whether from your partner, a friend, family or a psychologist.

Our imagination and our mind are constantly working and we often imagine scenarios that will probably never happen, whether they are good or bad. The same can happen in relationships but with consequences, that is, your mind may imagine a situation where something happens that has not really happened and may never happen. However, that feeling of insecurity arises in you and causes you to feel alert and lack confidence, unfounded fear of something that has not happened and most likely will never happen.

It is important to put these kinds of things aside, imagining fictitious scenarios and letting them influence your way of living and feeling the relationship will only harm it. Don't let your imagination and the lack of reality take control, value and judge what really happens in your relationship and avoid letting your imagination come into play.

You have to face the problem and manage it yourself. It is true that you do not have to do it alone, you can always ask for help and that is not bad, quite the opposite. However, you also have to spend time with yourself and work on yourself and your well-being.

The insecurity that affects you, affects you, your relationship too, yes, but if you do not first resolve those emotions that generate the lack of security, you will not be able to be well, neither with yourself nor with anyone else.

As we have said, only you can manage your emotions, but you don't have to do it alone. You can rely on your loved ones, they will always be with you in bad times. However, with the help of a psychologist you can solve your problems better and more effectively.

Therapy will help you identify your feelings and their origin, so you can resolve or, at first, confront and begin to manage your emotions. This management will be important to find peace within yourself again and for bad feelings to disappear.

In addition, the psychologist will surely also want to work with you on factors as important as self-lovethe trust and self-confidence. In this way, you will reinforce the positive aspects of yourself and you will be able to avoid derogatory thoughts towards yourself and your environment, that is, self-sabotage in your mental health and your relationship as a couple.

You can also always go to couples therapy If things are not going well and insecurity prevails in your relationship, individual therapy is effective and always recommended, but so is couples therapy. Especially if all the problems have led to a serious lack of communication and you both want to continue to commit to the relationship. It is best to ask for help if you want to stay together and try to solve the problem, but both of you must do your part and want to come out of this situation feeling better.