For many years, parents have greatly feared the arrival of that «fateful day.» That day when, suddenly, the little one of the house stands in front of us and with all his calm, naturalness and innocence, does THE QUESTION: «Where do babies come from?» or «How are babies made?» or «How do babies get into the womb?»
These questions, and all their variations, often leave parents in checkmate for a few moments until they are able to answer. Suddenly, parents realize that Your little one is not so little anymorethat your baby has grown up and the hard stage of sexual education has arrived.
But is it really necessary to wait for children to ask questions before starting to work on sexual education?
Sex education: from birth
Sex education does not only involve knowledge of the sexual act, its pleasures and its risks. Sex education should include the education in acceptance and knowledge of the body itself, to begin with.
So, when the baby is born, it is important that we treat its body as a whole. A baby does not have a developed sexuality as we adults understand it, far from it, but it does have a body that will need to be explored and learn to begin to build oneself as an individual.
In this way, it is important that we talk about your body without belittling or ridicule any of its parts: the genitals should be called by their name, preferably the vulva or the penis, depending on the gender of the baby. Giving it ridiculous names (such as «the patatona», «the cosita» or «the pichurrilla», to give just a few examples) will only contribute to the child developing a ridiculous interaction with his or her genitals.
It is not, of course, about constantly talking about them without it coming to the point, it is rather about, for example, when we are changing his diaperlet's explain to her what we're doing. Something as simple as «we're going to clean your bum and your vulva so that you're really clean» is already giving the girl valuable information: «I have a bum and a vulva, and they need to be cleaned and cared for.» There's no need to go any further.
It may seem that there is not much importance in giving them funny diminutives, since in the end the boy or girl is so small that They don't understand of what we are saying. But they do understand non-verbal communication. And if we feel self-conscious or embarrassed when talking about their genitals, they notice. They quickly learn that what they have between their legs is something that causes discomfort and therefore must be something, if not bad, then not very good.
Understanding and applying this is not always easy, very often parents We have not had this kind of education and, therefore, our way of interacting with our own genitals is the result of a lack of sexual education in this regard. But it is never too late to try to work so that our children have access to the sexual education that we were not given. All you need is willpower, good information and, if necessary, go to a sexology professional to help us educate our children in this regard.
«Dad plants a seed in mom»
When faced with the question “where do children come from?”, as we said before, it is easy to get stuck. Most likely we have not talked to our children about their sexual organs, or we have done so in a very superficial way, and start introducing them Now that he is 6 or 7 years old, it seems very complicated to us.
Well, it's never too late. Better to do it when he or she is 6 or 7 years old and for him or her Parents are still the biggest encyclopedia of knowledge, than waiting until they are 15 years old and having to talk to them directly about contraceptive methods and sexually transmitted diseases.
Illustrations like this can make it easier for us to have conversations with children.
Many parents resort to «look, son, Dad plants a seed in Mom And that seed grows in mom's belly until it becomes a baby.»
To me, in particular, it doesn't seem like a bad explanation, in fact. It fits quite close to the truth that 6 or 7 year olds can understand. But I am missing something.
In this explanation, where is the emotional component? That is to say, if we only tell the child this, we are disconnecting the fact of becoming pregnant from the fact of love, from emotions, we are not including the necessary emotional training, at a time when it is ideal for him to acquire this information.
So, I would reformulate the answer as follows:
«Look, honey. Mom and Dad love each other very much. And as we love each other so much and we are very comfortable with each other, We decided have a baby. So daddy put a seed in mommy and that seed kept growing and growing in mommy's tummy until it got so big that it became the baby.
What implicit information are we giving with this answer?
- That Dad and Mom love each other
- That the decision to have a baby It was a joint effort and motivated by love.
- That you can decide to have a baby. Implicitly, we are also telling you that you can decide not to have it.
The child may be happy with this answer. But it is also possible that after a while or a few days, he or she will surprise us with a second, related question.
«And how does the baby come out of the belly?»
It is at this point that we will be grateful to have already talked about genitals with our children. Because answer It could be summed up as: «Well, you see, darling, when the baby has grown in mommy's belly, it starts to push to get out. And the only way out from where it is is through the vulva. The vulva has a little hole called the vagina, which is where the baby comes out. That is the moment of birth.»
If the boy or girl has received the information If you have previously told them that there is a vulva and that it is nothing to be ashamed of, this answer will satisfy them greatly. If we have to wait until this moment to explain to them that there is a vulva or that «the baby comes out from underneath,» we will only be creating more doubts and it will be much more difficult for them to assimilate the information.
Educating in sexuality is not easy
It's true, It is not an easy taskAs we said before, it is very likely that parents have not been educated in sexuality and, therefore, do not know how we should do it.
But it is necessary that we give it importance In sexual and emotional education, we must learn not to hide our emotions, our feelings and, above all, not to underestimate any part of our body.
And all this starts by practicing a exercise of self-awareness and self-knowledge: «Do I feel free to express my emotions and feelings?», «Do I interact freely with my vagina or my penis?»
As a sexologistI would like to recommend to parents that they consider their own sexuality, their own relationship with their sex and that of their partner. Very often we are very limited by the social, cultural and religious taboos that surround us, but we can overcome them and we can make our children grow up loving all parts of their bodies equally.
Only in this way will we help building a freer societymore aware and less rigid. And, above all, we will help our children grow up healthy physically and mentally, and with a strong self-esteem.
If you think you may need specific instructions to educate your children about sexuality or affectivity, you can always Contact a sex therapistWe will be happy to help you.
*For “practical” reasons, this article is aimed at heterosexual couples. Of course, in the case of female homosexual couples or single women undergoing fertilization processes, the discourse regarding conception will have to be adjusted, but the idea is basically the same. The same goes for adoptions; even if the child is not biological, at some point they will have this doubt and it will have to be answered in a way that includes the adoption process. Both things would give rise to a couple more articles.