Last Friday, a stressed Lucas came into the office. I wasn't surprised, but this time the cause of his stress was something other than work.Dolors, you can't even imagine what happened!«That sounded like drama, but knowing Lucas' tendency to distort, calm was better; What happened?I ask him. “Maria is going on vacation with her friends and without me!The fact is that the suffocated Lucas forgot that Maria already regularly travels without him for work reasons, so what's happening to Lucas then?
What is our relationship like: mature or immature?
This is the first question that Lucas and Maria must ask themselves since they may have a mature or immature relationship, but what is each one like?
- Mature couple relationship. Each member of the couple is able to put themselves in the other's shoes to try to understand their needs. This leads to trust in the other and in whatever I do, at all times, because You want your partner to grow emotionally and professionally as much or more than oneself. Empathy is born from a good managing one's own emotions and Emotional independence. Both understand that they are adults and that, although they are part of a couple, they can make their own decisions without causing harm to each other or to any other member of their family. Whenever any problematic situation arises, they talk about it and find a solution.
Both partners should understand that relationships go through different phases, in which love also evolves, going through difficult times in which both members must remain united and support each other. In addition, they should not be worried about the other's past since we all have a past that is «past» and, therefore, overcome and has provided experience and learning.
After all, a mature relationship brings a very important value: happiness.
- Couple relationship inadura. They are those who do not give what they need to the members of the couple because they spend their time judging the possible mistakes of the other's past, generating a feeling of guilt undeserved. They are self-centered and jealous people who try to control others. It can be through mobile phones, email and especially through social networks. Either through WhatsApp, Facebook or Instagram, constantly checking if their partner is online.
They do not allow the emotional or professional development or growth of their partner since there is dependence and in some cases, codependency.
If they discover that their partner is doing “what he wants”, they react with a total lack of emotional control, ranging from crying to screaming or displays of verbal or physical aggression. In any case, there is a total lack of empathy to initiate minimal interpersonal communication.
Try a free video call therapy session
Discover how online therapy is useful for resolving relationship conflicts.
Make an appointment
Shouldn't I go on vacation with my partner?
Let's go back to my case from Friday. Let's imagine that Maria's company owes her a few days off, apart from her vacation, and she and her friends have been wanting to go to some paradisiacal beaches for years. Let's also imagine that Lucas and Maria already have their shared vacation booked and that, during the days when Maria is traveling, Lucas would hardly see her due to his high level of professional demands. So, is there any problem with Maria taking advantage, if she can, of those extra days in the company of good friends?
The answer is a very clear no. For this, the relationship, apart from being mature, must be solid and based on trust, respect and communication. If there is respect, it is because there is trust. This makes it easier for both parties to talk about their fears, insecurities, worries and concerns in a warm and open environment, without either of them judging the other and allowing themselves to listen in order to understand and not just to answer.
But if this is not the case, the answer will vary between doubt – reasonable, of course – and negative. And, before Lucas says anything, I would like to remind him that his situation currently occurs in 59% of couples and, fortunately, it resolves itself in the vast majority.
Let's take the question from another perspective:
Why does one member of the couple think that the other should not travel without him?
The answers are very varied:
- Insecurity. “Maria told me she's going with her friends, but how do I know she's not going with the guy who's crazy about her? How do I know she won't meet someone else there?” First, because you should trust her if your relationship is solid. Maybe you should stop blaming her. Why do you think badly of a group of friends? Would you do the same if it were a group of friends? Second, work on your insecurities and fears: fear of losing her, fear of her abandoning you, fear of her stopping loving you…
My partner is going on a bachelor party in another city and I feel like I'm overwhelmed by insecurity and fear. I have a hard time getting the idea that he might do something inappropriate out of my head because trust has already been worn down a bit throughout the relationship and I don't think I can tolerate any more misunderstandings. My head plays tricks on me and makes me very anxious.
Consultation received in
- Jealousy. They come from the same insecurity. There is no worse storm than the one that forms in your head. Take advantage of these days to think about your relationship, to define yourself about it, to analyze why you feel insecure, jealous or distrustful. Remember that they can only be negative thoughts that cross your mind so that you can discard them, but it can also be a warning sign that tells you that something is not working in the relationship and that, as soon as Maria returns, you must have a long conversation with her. Practice empathy.
- Habit. It's one thing to go out with friends, as long as there are no major responsibilities, and another to make it a routine, many say. So, don't wait for your partner to pack their bags to have a conversation with them and explain what your needs are, but do it in a way that the other member of the couple doesn't feel like they are in a relationship that suffocates or controls them because you run the risk of losing them.
What do I do while on vacation?
Most of those who stay – those we used to call “the Rodriguez” decades ago – basically do it for work. But it is not all work in life, there is also leisure time in which I recommend some actions:
- Relax.
- Make plans with your own friends. Maybe that thing you've been thinking about doing for a while but haven't done, now is the time.
- Don't spend your days waiting for the day of his return because it will come anyway and you will have wasted time, your time, that will not return.
- Don't let yourself be carried away by jealousy.
- It's okay to send him a WhatsApp message, but don't expect him to reply immediately or get angry. What would you do if you were having fun?
- Don't overdo it with the calls. In fact, before the game, discuss when you're going to call each other.
- Don't stalk your partner all over their social media; remember, you trust them.
- If you are overcome by fear, have anxiety attacks, panic attacks, tachycardia… it is time to treat it with a psychologist, either through face-to-face therapy or with a psychologist remotely.
If you find yourself in this similar situation or know someone who is going through a similar one, you are looking for a psychologist specialized in online couples therapy or sexual therapydo not hesitate to consult a professional.
Why choose
- We have been leaders in online psychological care since 2012.
- First informational appointment free.
- Online therapy from 40 euros per session.
- Team of senior psychologists, with decades of experience.
- All the therapy we offer is via videoconference. 100% confidential.
- The same psychologist will attend to you throughout the treatment.
- At you do not lose the money for the sessions. If you cannot connect or are not there, the session is postponed to another day.
- Attention in Spanish, English and Catalan.