Miriam, a 24-year-old woman who lives alone and works as a nurse, comes to the doctor's office. She is worried and very distressed. Her former partner, Alberto, from whom she separated six months ago, has been leaving her messages on WhatsApp, Facebook and even on her mobile voicemail for the past few weeks. In them he asks her to meet him «to talk about their relationship.» Miriam has decided not to answer him because she doesn't want to hear anything more from him. The first calls and messages were friendly, but on the last few occasions Alberto has been angry and impatient. He continues to insist that they are still a couple. Finally, he has even used threatening language that has made Miriam start to get scared: he uses their old Facebook page to display intimate photos that were not there.
In a previous article we already talked about the phenomenon of stalking. On this occasion we will focus more on analyzing in depth its protagonists and on how to get out of a situation of harassment or stalkying. The most common stalkers are former romantic partners who intend to get back into the relationship.get revenge for the supposed damage caused by the breakup (especially if it was the harassed person who made the decision to break up, since the protagonist feels rejected and is too narcissistic to bear it) or both. In any case, it is possible that your ex-partner was a controlling person. Also, just because he is “ex” doesn’t mean he will stop being “in his mind” because now he is joined by jealousy: who is he with? What is he doing? You may not identify with him until now. Don’t be surprised if your ex-partner was shy and withdrawn because the fact that he had difficulties with interpersonal relationships, and especially with his partner, also leads him to harassment. So far we have seen why.
The main psychological consequences that stalking causes in the victim are depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, hypervigilance or suspicion. What can we do about them? We will try to answer this question around Twenty tips for dealing with harassment:
20 tips for dealing with harassment
1.- Avoid any kind of contact or encounter with the bully. It is essential, however difficult it may be for you. Do not be friendly with him or pay attention to him, because if you do, you will only reinforce your position as a bully. To do this, you must be clear and firm.
2.- Don't respond to your ex-partner's calls, emails, WhatsApp messages, SMS or chats of any kind. Don't respond to messages on social media either. If you do, you're reinforcing his position as a stalker.
3.- You must stand firm in your position that the relationship with your ex-partner is over. The longer you prolong the «conversations» with him, the harder it will be for him to understand that you are no longer interested.
4.- If you must meet your ex-partner (by chance or because you have a child together and have a visitation regime) avoid showing any emotion, either positive or negative, as it could be misinterpreted. If the meeting takes place when you are alone, try to get away from that place and try to go to a public place (bar, pharmacy, etc.) and ask for the police to be called.
5.- Even if there comes a time when you may want to take revenge on your ex-partner using the same weapons, don't do it; avoid it at all costs because the rebound effect that it will produce on the stalker will be greater than what you were trying to avoid.
6.- Inform the police that you are being harassed by your ex-partner so that appropriate measures can be taken. If the harassment has been going on for more than two weeks, file a criminal complaint. It is very important that you file this complaint even if you later drop the charges, but it will serve to let the harasser know that you are informed and that it has been a first warning. In any case, if you get to this point, you should have legal support.
7.- Print out any emails or chats that could be relevant to a subsequent police investigation.
8.- Contact your Internet provider or your ex-partner's email service and inform them that this person is harassing you. Likewise, report any chat moderator if there is abuse during online conversations.
9.- Create a neutral email account, that is, one that does not reveal your gender and, therefore, with a name that does not attract attention but that does not identify you as a woman. For example, a combination of upper and lower case letters.
10.- Delete private information from all your online profiles: address, landline and mobile phone numbers, email, etc.
11.- Keep those closest to you informed about your stalking situation. Isolation will prevent you from receiving adequate help. At the same time, if they are informed, they will better understand your reactions and, in turn, react appropriately. Give everyone around you a list of telephone numbers that the person who is providing you with psychological support can provide: numbers for shelters; if the harassment is from an ex-partner, lawyers; police numbers; as well as telephone numbers to call, in case of need, such as family and friends.
12.- Don't try to fix the situation on your own; if it's an ex-partner, give everyone in your circle of trust who doesn't know the stalker personally a photograph and a physical description as accurate as possible. Don't cause panic at the slightest noise or make anyone trust you.
13.- Always keep your car full of petrol in case you have to leave the house. Also keep your mobile phone with enough battery to be able to contact people in your circle of trust and/or the police.
14.- Install an alarm with video surveillance at home.
15.- Never take the same routes or at the same times. When parking, do so in well-lit areas.
16.- When sending an email, do not provide any information in the header such as name or email address. This can be removed by going to your account settings.
17.- Ignore, reject or block anyone who doesn't interest you, both in email and on social networks. Only contact those who you know or, without knowing them, have references and are interested in them.
18.- If you receive hostile or unwanted phone calls, do not show any positive or negative emotions so as not to reinforce the stalker's behaviour. Simply do not answer. Try to act calmly, leave the receiver on the table and, after a few minutes, come back and hang up quietly because the stalker may still be there. Do not even hold the receiver to your ear. In any case, keep a mobile phone handy in case the landline is occupied for hours, which can happen. It is a good idea to write down the day, time and duration of the call, as it is likely to be repeated.
19.- Request that your phone number be removed from the phone book and change your mobile number(s).
20.- The stalker may use another person to carry out his harassment. For example, he may use a woman as a supposed telemarketer to conduct a survey for you, through which he will make you a fantastic promotion: make sure not to reveal personal information over the phone or the Internet.
The stalker disappears when he finds a new “prey” or when he feels “trapped.” In any case, “stalking” in our country is not as common as situations such as psychological and/or physical abuse.