Feeling abandoned in a relationship can be different for each person, but for the most part it feels like they are not being taken care of. You may feel unloved, ignored, or in need of something.
On the other hand, you may be used to feeling emotional abandonment from your partner.
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Perhaps, from his perspective, you have been low on his list of priorities since the first day of your relationship. Maybe you say «I love you» to your partner, but you don’t hear it often, if ever.
While every situation is different, feeling like you’re not important, special, or maybe even loved by your partner is sad and scary. Feeling emotionally abandoned is not normal in healthy relationships.
In reaction to how you feel, you might feel needy and demand your partner’s attention, or you might withdraw into yourself and possibly even act passive-aggressive. These reactions are never effective if what you want is loving attention and connection with your partner.
What to do when you feel abandoned
1. Keep going back to the facts
Hard facts can free you from heartache and emotional pain. Remembering them can also benefit your relationship.
It is always in your best interest to pause before reacting. Separate what you know to be true from what you are just guessing. This can help you decide which response will allow you to reconnect with your partner.
For example, if there is no emotional support in the relationship, indicate this with clear examples.
2. Satisfy your own needs first
Here’s the trap many people fall into in relationships: They look to their partner to «make» them feel loved, special, attractive, and successful. This just doesn’t work and can make a person feel even more alone and abandoned.
While it’s understandable that someone wants to feel their partner’s love, if that’s how you feel, remember that it’s not your partner’s job to do this. It’s your job to make sure your needs are met and that you feel special and loved.
This can be tricky because a relationship survives and thrives when love and appreciation are regularly expressed. But they thrive even more when the individuals in the relationship are actively meeting their own needs first, and not holding the other person responsible for how they feel.
If you feel sad or insecure, do what you can to calm yourself down in truly calming ways. Write in a journal, treat yourself to self-care, and meet with a professional counselor or relationship coach if you’re having trouble feeling better.
There’s certainly nothing wrong with asking your partner for a hug or some other specific request for support, but don’t expect it to make you feel a certain way.
When you do everything you can to meet your own needs first, you can talk to your partner about their behavior that seems neglectful to you. From this location, you are less likely to sound needy or demanding.
You can also more easily listen to what your partner is going through and then create agreements that will help you reconnect. Because for a relationship to flourish you need the foundations of emotional connection, love and support.
3. Have a solution-focused mindset.
If you feel neglected, your mind can immediately fall into the blame game: «It’s your partner’s fault that this is happening.» Although sometimes you need to do more, it is better to start the conversation thinking about finding a solution instead of criticizing your partner. That never really makes things better. So instead, try to see how it feels for you to feel accomplished and satisfied and how you think you can achieve it. Then communicate it to your partner using «I» statements.
Instead of saying «You don’t hold me enough,» say «I feel like I need more affection from you to feel closer and more important in the relationship.»
4. Talk to your partner.
In most cases, when you feel neglected, one of you doesn’t realize it and it becomes a vicious cycle of… you guessed it, miscommunication. So if you feel left out or left out or unimportant in the relationship, tell your partner. Talk about what you feel and discuss possible solutions.
Communication is the #1 way to build a strong foundation, so it makes sense that communicating how you feel is the best way for your partner to understand and drive change.
5. Talk to a professional
Getting help from a professional is always a great option and resource to use when problems arise in your relationship. Counselors are trained to help couples navigate difficult conversations and root out the source of the problem, as well as guide them toward a solution that works for both parties.
Find a couples counselor or therapist to help you navigate this situation and find out exactly how to help.
What not to do when you feel abandoned
1. accuse
If you are accusing your partner of something, then you are not willing to listen and neither will they.
Unless you have verifiable evidence that your partner is breaking their agreements, lying to you, or cheating on you, their accusations are likely to drive you further apart.
2. Jump to conclusions
It may seem clear to you what it is that is separating you from your partner, but do not assume it. It is likely that I am wrong or that I am not aware of the whole story.
3. Ignore important information
Don’t discount reliable information when you talk to your partner.
If there are contradictions or things that don’t fit in what your partner says, paying attention is key. If he or she is asking you for help in any way, be aware of that as well.
4. Get defensive
As hurt and angry as you feel, don’t get defensive. Being needy, whining, or trying to justify being needy won’t get your partner closer to you.
5. Playing the victim
Your partner’s actions may seem like they’re rejecting you, but try not to play the victim and make this all about you unless you’re sure it’s really about you.
6. Make demands
It can be helpful to set a firm limit. This does not have to be delivered as a claim.
The difference is that a lawsuit pushes against the other person to manipulate or achieve a particular result. A boundary is simply the clear statement of the specific needs and conditions you have.
It can be hard not to act this way when we’re feeling hurt and stressed, but it’s not impossible. Fortunately, there are healthy ways to communicate your needs.