When a couple asks for time, it is inevitable to think that things are going wrong. Perhaps your partner might be trying to get out of the relationship as easily and painlessly (for himself) as possible. No matter how many times they play the same scene in romantic movies, your guy probably still doesn’t realize he just fired the verbal equivalent of four tiny bullets right into your heart.
What does it mean when a man says he needs space and how much time does he need?
In my experience, when a man says he needs space, usually what he is really saying is that he wants to end the relationship.
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A request for space does not usually mean, «I need to be alone so that I can be a better person and therefore a better partner for you.» Rather, it almost always means, «Look, I don’t want to be your boyfriend anymore, but I’m really worried about hurting your feelings, so I’m saying this on the off chance that I don’t hurt you all that much.»
To me, the best thing about a guy saying he needs time or space is that it could mean he really knows that he’s such a bad apple in the dating drawer that he’s actually doing you a favor by quietly backing out of the relationship.
Honestly, I haven’t once heard a man say he needs space when all he really wanted to say was, «I want out and I’m too much of a wuss to announce it outright» and address his feelings head-on.» (I’m paraphrasing here, of course .)
Thinking about this led me to the question: do guys who ask for space they know this when they ask for itor do they ever think that there really is a chance that they will come back to you and try to make the relationship work?
Why do they even ask for space in the first place, and what do men think will happen when they ask/get it?
I outsourced this consultation of mine to a group of men (all of whom will remain anonymous) and what they had to say on the subject was quite revealing.
This is what 14 men think it means when a man says he needs space or time.
1. “There has to be a context to how this was said to give you a useful answer. If it came after some type of argument in your relationship, it most likely means that you want to break up. It could also mean that they just need time to figure out what’s going on and want to be left alone for a while.»
2. “Either it means they need space and time to sort out their feelings or they want a break from the relationship to be with other women. People can decide which option seems more likely based on the context.»
3. «I need to separate myself from the situation and see where I am, see myself going, etc.»
4. “It means I want to be alone or at least separate from the person I’m talking to. I want to solve my problems by myself and then come back later. It’s a really simple concept.»
5. “I have been in a long-term relationship with the same woman for three decades. It’s as good a relationship as you could imagine. The best decision I made was to marry my wife. Best friend, great lover, the most realistic, beautiful and funny woman I have ever met. That said, we both long for some time apart to recharge for some solo experiences, for some quiet time. Neither is possessive or solely dependent on the other for satisfaction or happiness. A little time apart keeps it fresh and rewarding.»
6. “Personally, if I need space for a while, it will only be a few days, more likely a few hours. I’m probably mad and need to be alone for a while.»
7. “The last time I said this to someone it was because I didn’t have a single free moment in my life without her. She never wanted to be away from me and it got to the point where she couldn’t excuse me without her following me into the bathroom.»
8. “It means you have to leave me alone for a period of time, and if you don’t agree to give me time, you are free to leave me forever if you insist. Sometimes I just want to be alone.»
9. «I’ve never said this and I’m suspicious of people who do.»
10. «I need solitude.»
11. «I long to be the ruler of the entire cosmos.»
12. “I have always used it to mean that I need my own life. I need my partner to trust that when they are not around I am conducting myself competently and honorably. I have room to grow as a person on my own. I have a lot these days, which is good.»
13. “It can be many things. Some people need solitude. For others, it is a sense of agency. It’s not that you don’t like to hang out, but you’re inherently choosing things with your feelings in mind and you may feel the need for time to be selfish. Other times it’s as simple as taking up a hobby that he knows (or thinks) you won’t enjoy or can’t be easily shared.»
14. “I could say a lot of things. My partners tend to be quite verbal, and my stupid brain requires uninterrupted periods of silence/solitude to settle into thoughts most of the time, so it’s hard to process things for myself when they’re around. I’m really bad at asking for it though, because I think when I hear ‘I need space’, I assume the other person is fed up with me and is pulling away to break things up. Which is ridiculous, but brains are dumb.»