Maria and Jacob are in couples therapyHe has been unfaithful and she claims that it is unable to forgiveAn hour later, we have family therapy with the Pérez-Gomez family, who have been in conflict for months over an economic issue. The next session is with Carlota, who says that she will never forgive her boss for the situation she is in now.
Could these and other similar situations be resolved through forgiveness? Probably with a little effort on the part of both parties.
Is asking for forgiveness the same as forgiving?
When we were little and we got angry with a friend or a classmate, our parents were there to teach us forgive – if they had done something “bad” to us – then ask for forgiveness– if it was us who had done it. That is how we learned that asking for forgiveness is the same as regretting the harm caused and forgiving is characteristic of understanding, empathetic people. In short, of being what they call “a good person.”
So much ask for forgiveness how to forgive are part of the basic social skills Although, in part, it depends on our own personality traits and how well – or poorly – we manage our own emotions.
Does forgiving or asking for forgiveness bring me anything positive?
Yes, both on a psychological and emotional level as well as on a physical level. We can list:
- RecognitionIf you have hurt someone and you acknowledge it, you free yourself from the emotional tension of not being able to express it.
- Courage. It is often difficult to face situations and ask for forgiveness, probably out of pride. But you must keep in mind that it takes great courage to forgive those who hurt you, without room for resentment, and to reinterpret your own life path.
- Increase the self-esteem.
- Decrease the stress and anxiety.
- Decreases the sadness.
- Increase the emotional stabilityforgetting helplessness and anger and regaining self-confidence.
- Comprehension. About what hurt you, realizing that there are more people in your world.
At the fitness level:
- Decrease in blood pressure.
- Decreased heart rate.
- Increased physiological stress. According to Witvliet, Ludwig and Vander Laan (2001).
Can we forgive in different ways?
Yes, it depends on who is offended and who is offended. We can talk about:
- UnilateralThe offender is forgiven without expecting anything in return. It is done out of generosity or love, which makes the offender show repentance.
- NegotiatedIt is a reconciliation between two people to avoid distance, rage, anger and desires for revenge.
- To oneselfThe offender avoids the thoughts, emotions and behaviors associated with the situation, attempting to repair the damage caused to himself.
- False forgiveness. It is a strategy to avoid conflict but without a real intention to do so. Forgiveness is understanding that there has been an offense or harm, recognizing it and taking responsibility by doing everything possible to repair the damage caused.
Why do we find it difficult to forgive?
Let's go back to the stories from the beginning. They all come to the consultation because they believe that their relationships – couples, family, work – are damaged by one of the two sides – not necessarily by who comes to the session – and this produces an initial reaction: why forgive? So that, after a while, the same thing happens again? This response, according to Williamson and Gonzalves (2007), is structured in three levels:
- Affective: anger, sadness, confusion and betrayal.
- Cognitive: fantasies about the offender, thoughts of “why me?”, of not having any further contact with the offender, and feelings of guilt.
- Behavioral: avoidance behaviors towards the offender or, on the contrary, confrontation with him or her and crying.
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Therapy can facilitate the process of recognizing the need to apologize, providing tools for effective communication and repairing damaged relationships. Through therapy, learning to sincerely apologize becomes a path to reconciliation and emotional growth.
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According to various studies, such as Miller, Everett, Worthington and McDaniel (2008), it was found that women forgive more easily than men. However, the studies by Fehr, Gelfand and Nag (2010) concluded that the differences were not significant, although “knowing how to forgive” is a stereotype traditionally attributed to women.
The same studies show that, As we get older, our ability to forgive increases. Life experience, in addition to making us older, makes us more tolerant, flexible and capable of assimilating that, as Maxwell says, “if you make mistakes, it's because you're trying.”
On the other hand, certain personality traits such as egocentrism, narcissism, the tendency to judge To others, the lack of emotional intelligence, ruminative thinking… prevent us from forgiving easily since they block us in a situation, within a loop of rage, desire for revenge, resentment… in which the main victims are ourselves.
How do you ask for forgiveness?
Know that it is not a “bad person” to hurt. Also, the kindest people you can meet can do it.
It's not just blows that hurt. Words often hurt, gestures, situations, small details and even the lack of them all hurt.
If you already have it clear, Asking for forgiveness is the best thing you can do:
- Accept your responsibility for the act that caused the damage.. Never think that a child, because he is small, is not capable of realizing a bad behavior or attitude. If you have to ask for forgiveness, you are teaching him something that he will never thank you enough for.
- Apologize genuinely, with your heart and soul. A simple “I feel bad” or “I’m sorry about yesterday” won’t do. Be authentic and honest with yourself and the other person; “I’m sorry that my bad behavior/attitude/words have caused you harm. I recognize that you feel this pain because of what I said/did and I apologize.”
- Listen and recognize the importance of what happenedThe other person is offended by what you have done. Let them express their feelings. Acknowledge their emotions with phrases like “I understand” or “that's how it is.”
Both asking for forgiveness and forgiving are basic social skills, although this partly depends on our own personality traits and how we manage our own emotions.
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- Don't demand forgiveness, don't be proud and be patient.I know that you would like to receive forgiveness as soon as possible to calm your own anguish, but give him time to express his feelings and think about the decision he wants to make: to forgive or not to forgive.
- Ask the other person if you can do anything to help them because of your mistake. Let the other person see that you are truly sorry.
- Ask for helpIf you find it difficult to ask for forgiveness or have difficulty repairing the damage, consider that like other resources and skills, we may need to acquire them. At we can help you by indicating strategies and accompanying you along the way thanks to online psychologists.
Guidelines for forgiving if you are the one who is hurt
- Think about how you feel. Admit that what they did to you is not right and let the other person talk. In the end, forgiveness will make you feel good.
- Forgiving does not necessarily mean reconciling if you do not want to, but it is a way of not accumulating resentment.
- To relieve your Negative emotions and your anxietypractice relaxation or stress management techniques.
- Don't be impulsive. Calm is required to avoid creating conflict.
- Do not mentally reproduce what has happened. You get into a loop of ruminative thinking that is detrimental.
- Choose this painful experience and transform it into a learning experience through forgiveness. It is your decision and, many times, you have to step away to gain distance and see more clearly.
- The decision to forgive is everything: When you reach that point you accept the commitment to live with that attitude from now on, regarding that person.
- By forgiving you are also forgiving yourself. Accepting that person's mistakes will help you accept your own mistakes in that particular relationship.
Forgiveness is a powerful tool that invites us to look forward with compassion and empathy, reminding us that although the wounds may be deep, the human heart has the infinite capacity to heal and find peace.
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- We have been leaders in online psychological care since 2012.
- First informational appointment free.
- Online therapy from 40 euros per session.
- Team of senior psychologists, with decades of experience.
- All the therapy we offer is via videoconference. 100% confidential.
- The same psychologist will attend to you throughout the treatment.
- At you do not lose the money for the sessions. If you cannot connect or are not there, the session is postponed to another day.
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