The look: the power of non-verbal communication – Online Psychologists

How much do we transmit with our gaze without saying a single word? An infinite number of aspects about our emotional state, thoughts or concerns.

The look is the reflection of the soul – some say – from the heart – others counter-argue – In any case, through our thousand glances we continually give information about our inner world. The look belongs to the non-verbal communication of the human being, that is why it is difficult to control and it gives us the most truthful data about the other person.

The look is one of the most important aspects of non-verbal communication, but so is the smile, the way of walking or the posture of the person. When we learn to interpret these small non-verbal actions, in some way we become evaluators of the speech of our sender. On many occasions there is a discrepancy between what is said and what is communicated without words. And all of this becomes a powerful and interesting tool to use in psychotherapy.

Looking at others is basic to calibrate, establish and maintain a flow of psychological and human contact with the interlocutor. The gaze is perhaps the most subtle form of non-verbal language and its study has always attracted numerous authors and various disciplines of knowledge: communication, psychology, sociology and anthropology.

The gaze provides feedback to communication. If our interlocutor looks at us while we speak, we can interpret it as a sign of interest or attention. But we also know that when people are processing complicated messages they look away and move their eyes in different directions, searching for data, associating memories, images, sensations, sounds… These eye movements give us a lot of information about people's representation systems. They are called ocular accesses, studied by the Neuro-linguistic programming (NLP).

Obviously, certain eye movements such as looking around the room, keeping your gaze on the clock, etc., associated with a backward posture or with bent arms, can mean that we are boring the other person to death, or that they have no interest in listening to us.

The look also expresses emotions. Paul Ekmana psychology professor at the University of California, has detected the participation of the gaze in the configuration of six basic emotions: surprise, fear, anger, rage, happiness and sadness.

The gaze indicates the nature of the interpersonal relationship. It has been observed in different cultures that, generally, there is less eye contact, both on the part of men and women, towards interlocutors of lower status. Likewise, we tend to look more at people we like, although, in some cases, we look a lot at those we don't like, that is, we tend to look more at those people with whom we have established good relationships, who we like, or who have managed to capture our attention or interest. In this way, a more persuasive communication is achieved on the part of the sender of glances.

When a sign of interest is shown, our pupils dilate – mydriasis – and thus give us away. Shyness, lack of confidence or social skills to say what we want can be expressed by avoiding looking at the recipient. However, self-confidence is transmitted through a firm and stable gaze.

A challenging look will lead us to create barriers, a tender look will lead us to be more sensitive, a gaze held for too long will intimidate us. It is necessary to look into the eyes, but just enough so as not to intimidate the other person.

In fact, who has not suffered, at some point, one of those “stares that kill”? In colloquial language, expressions such as “he looked at me with bad eyes” or “with good eyes” are also familiar; “we fix our gaze on something or someone”. Social learning indicates that a lowered gaze is associated with modesty or submission, that there are “clean” or “cloudy” looks.

Gazes vary depending on the frame of reference, the personality of the person looking, or the topic of conversation. Society dictates gazes: it is in bad taste to stare at strangers in public places.

We usually don't have a good opinion of people who don't look us in the eye while they're talking, but instead stare at the floor or into space – as we mentioned earlier. Some authors have interpreted that not looking into the eyes while speaking means that one is lying. But it is a fact that It is not proven.

We like to be watched because while we speak The other person makes involuntary microexpressions on his face that somehow guide our speech.. Thus, they may show an expression of surprise, disbelief or denial. And there are many occasions when we ask, «Why do you make that face?»

For this reason, the way we look carries a great deal of information about what we think, want or feel, which, however, is not verbalized. This is the reason why looks, smiles, postures and the rest of the elements that make up non-verbal communication are so important in therapy. It can hardly be shaped by voluntary control, so through looking we can interpret aspects of the deepest interior that cannot be expressed in any other way.

Experimental research has also detected a tendency that prolonged and reciprocal gazes may be an indicator of a lasting relationship between people. Some researchers have proposed an interesting and practical model to measure people's intimacy based on the frequency of gaze, the intimacy of the moment and the amount of smiling.

Similarly, it has been observed that in a relationship between people characterized by rejection or incompatibility, there is a decrease in gaze. Hostility tends to be expressed through visual ignorance, and even more so when the recipient of our hostility is aware that we are deliberately ignoring him.

A stare can be used to produce distress. Experimental studies have shown that a stare lasting more than ten seconds causes irritation and discomfort. Monkeys in zoos have reacted with threats and aggressive gestures to prolonged stares in a number of experiments. Neuroscience has experimentally shown that a person who stares incessantly tends to have an increased heart rate.

Each of us is guided by the way others look at us and, according to it, we act. But those thousand looks that each of us possess – according to our thoughts, emotions and feelings – must be framed within the set of facial expressions that are unique to us as unique and unrepeatable beings that we are, in addition to our own patterns of posture, ways of walking, playing with hair or accessories and, each of these elements, provides an essential value for non-verbal communication, which, in turn, is a fundamental form of communication; the one that says everything without saying anything… with the power of a thousand looks.

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