Last year in Spain the figure of 93,505 divorce applications. It is a reality that is becoming more and more common: when the relationship does not work, many couples choose to separate. And many of them ask themselves the same question: «How do we explain the separation to our children?»
It is a reasonable doubt. After all, parents are two very important pillars in the development of their children. A separation alone is capable of turning a child's life upside down. Changing houses, moving, custody… But with a little help from parents, It is possible that children understand the separation as something normal.
If you want separation not to be a trauma for your children, you will have to do your part. Luckily for you, in this article we are going to tell you everything you need to know to make your separation as bearable as possible for your children.
How to explain separation to children?
Your child's life inevitably changes when his or her parents separate. However, it is up to you to make him or her understand that your breakup is normal.
For this to be possible, you must ensure that:
- Your child understands that separation is a consensual decision
If it was your partner who made the decision to separate, you might be tempted to make your child see that this uncomfortable situation is the fault of his or her other parent.
However, you must avoid grudges at all costs. It is advisable that you assume that the relationship was not working properly before talking to your children, because They will take it better if they understand that you have both reached an agreement.
In addition, experts point out that Children accept the news better if both parents give it to them at the same time.with mutual respect and using assertive communication.
- He is not aware of the possible conflicts
Some couples have a contentious breakup and let their problems spill over into their children.
In fact, it is quite common for parents to adopt the blackmail tactic and try to turn their children against each other. To do this, they say things like «I didn't want to, but your father…» or «your mother is leaving because she has another boyfriend now.»
This type of attitude is very harmful to children, as well as being completely unnecessary. Having a bad opinion of their parents will only make them doubt much of what they previously took for granted and it is very possible that it will lead them to have a low self-esteem.
If you want to protect your child, you'd better keep a cordial attitude in front of him and leave adult problems to adults.
- It has all the necessary information
Another very common mistake, the opposite of the previous one, is to assume that your child is not capable of understanding reality.
However, Even the youngest children can understand that their parents are separating.if they are explained in a way that is accessible to them. Keep in mind that not knowing what is happening will increase the suffering. If their reality is going to change from one day to the next, they will need to understand why.
Also It is very important that there are no lies. There is no need to sugarcoat the truth by saying that one of you is going on a trip, because over time he or she will find out about the lie and it will hurt even more.
It is necessary for him to understand that you are separating because the relationship is not working, for him to understand who he is going to stay with, and also for him to know that you still love him despite the breakup.
Many people reach adulthood dragging along self-esteem problems derived from a poor management of their parents' separation. Some even continue to believe that they were the ones to blame.
To avoid self-esteem and attachment problems, It is necessary for your children to understand that you are separating because the relationship is not working. You need to be clear and direct on this point, otherwise he may feel it's his fault.
If you suspect that your child may be experiencing problems as a result of their parents' separation, you should ensure that the process is as painless as possible. To do this, having the tools provided by an online psychologist can be of great help.
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How should we act during divorce?
Separation of parents is a big source of stress for children. For years, they have lived immersed in a world in which the family was a constant pillar. And, from one day to the next, that pillar is shaken, prey to the changes.
Changes in the physical home, changes in habits, changes in communication, changes in the time you spend with each other… Even in the best of cases, your children will need time to absorb the blow and adapt to this new life.
And if you want your children to deal with your separation in the least painful way possible, then you have to do your part. Some good practices that you can put into action during the separation are:
- Ensure that there is some normality: Ideally, the child should continue to live in the same house. If this is not possible, it is recommended that he or she maintain similar routines, continue to attend the same school and continue to see his or her friends.
- Maintain a good relationship with the other parent: If there are conflicts between you, you need to resolve them. And while you do so, maintain respect and cordiality towards your children. Otherwise, they may grow up with the wrong idea about what relationships should be.
- Do not let him take part in the divorce: Your children are just that, your children. You have to accept that they are not friends, messengers, or counselors. Do not criticize the other person in their presence, or tell them lurid details about the process. If you do, you run the risk of your child developing emotional problems.
- Maintain constant assertive communication: Your child deserves to know what is going on. They also deserve to have the opportunity to openly express what they are feeling. That is why we recommend that you be honest about your own feelings, so that they understand that it is normal to be sad and can manage their emotions.
Effects of a conflictual separation on children
The First Observatory of Family Law in Spain, prepared in 2019, points out that 97% of divorces with children present high or very high levels of conflict.
In fact, it seems that the existence of children is a determining factor in the increase in conflicts, a fact that can have a very negative influence on their emotional health during and after the divorce.
Errors such as turning children into errand boys, or excessively judicializing the separation, putting all decisions related to the separation in the hands of the judge, make divorce perceived as a traumatic event for children, adolescents and young people.
Your job as a parent is to prevent the divorce process from becoming a confrontation in which the child is at the center. The negative consequences that a conflictual separation can have on children are:
- Insecure attachment.
- Tendency to isolation.
- Problems managing emotions.
- Somatizationthat is, transformation of emotional pain into physical ailments.
- Blame.
- Insomnia.
- Trouble concentratingand in the studies.
- Bad mood.
- Self-esteem issues.
- Poor concept of relationships.
- Development of psychological disorders such as anxiety or depression.
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