In some films we have seen the idea of children who, due to circumstances, end up playing the role of parents romanticized. Taking care of the house, their siblings or their own parents are tasks that «turn the tables» and a change of role takes place between parents and children. This is called: parentification.
It is also known as parentification or role reversal. The child becomes responsible for meeting the physical and emotional needs of his caregivers.from the parents. In this transformation, the child must leave aside his «child's tasks» such as playing, interacting with other children… and assume a responsibility that does not correspond to his age.
At first, they may seem like a few obedient, disciplined or compliant childrenNothing could be further from the truth, as the child's development is hindered and can lead to traumas that will be carried throughout his or her adult life.
Types of parenting
We can talk about two more common and very different types of parenting.
On the one hand, the emotionalwhen the child becomes the emotional support and support of his parents. He will take on the role of confidant and will listen, reassure, and even advise his caregivers. When parents share information that a child should not know about financial or marital issues.
In cases where the responsibility is physical, such as household chores, caring for siblings, running errands, etc. It is called parentification. instrumental. The child gets carried away and tends to leave his own tasks aside, which is why it is common school dropout.
Situations in which parentification takes place
There are specific situations that are a breeding ground for the exchange of roles between parents and children. It is important to note that it is not usually conscious and that the basis of all is a dysfunctional family where the hierarchy in the family is blurred.
- Mental disordersThere are cases where traumatized parents develop certain disorders such as depression and, as they are not healthy and have not overcome their traumas, this affects their role relationships with their children.
- Disorganized attachmentParents themselves are the ones who lack autonomy and independence, both physically and emotionally, which is why they seek in their children what they did not have in their childhood: external support.
- Mourning after deathWhen a traumatic event occurs for the whole family, such as a loss that cannot be overcome, it is more likely that roles will be reversed. In the case of a widowed man who cannot get over the death of his wife, his daughter, for example, will take on his role. In this dysfunctional way, they try to regain the balance that was lost after the death.
- Abuse or illnessIn cases of domestic violence, children try to protect the mother from her suffering, exchanging their roles. The same happens with illnesses over long periods of time, the film A monster comes to see me reflects this type of bond quite well.
- Addictions. Obviously, any type of addiction will prevent parents from fulfilling their roles as caregivers.
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It should be noted that children do not have to be «forced» to accept these roles, it is usually the way in which get the love and acceptance of your parents. Children, for their part, learn that if they take on that role they will receive the love that corresponds to them, so it is common for them to continue perpetuating this same role with their friends or their future partners and families as a compulsive caregiver.
Consequences in adult life
- Low self-esteemAn adult with a parentalized childhood develops an excessive fear of not meeting the expectations of others. He will never be good enough, and may develop impostor syndrome. In this case, it will not matter how much success he achieves because he will never deserve it or receive the credit.
- Anger management. The internalization of guilt leads to a rather poor management of one's own emotions. Because one does not want to bother or to not be a burden, one will not externalize one's emotions, in many cases the frustration that anger or rage generates. In this way, it will accumulate and appear in a negative way. explosive or with a rejection towards their parents as we grow and mature.
- IdealizationIn order to bear the physical and mental burden of role reversal, children will create a totally idealized idea of their parents in which they appear close, affectionate and kind.
- Difficulties in your relationships. Fear of commitment and fear of creating a new family are closely linked to parentification.
Realizing that we suffer from this type of trauma in adulthood can help us overcome certain barriersfor example motherhood. If a person has had to act as a mother to her younger siblings because her parents worked long hours, it is likely that when she is older, she will develop refusal to have children.
Thanks to psychological therapy we can understand and comprehend the origin of our behaviors in our adulthood and learn to manage it.