Many women come to a sexologist's office for «pain on penetration«They are women who simply report that they «cannot», that the pain they experience during vaginal penetration is unbearable and they decide not to expose themselves to it by eliminating intercourse from their sexual activities.
The difficulty of penetration It does not only involve penile penetration, it also implies that these women have real difficulties in allowing the entry of a finger or any other object despite explicitly wanting to do so.
Women with this symptomatology are very likely to suffer from vaginismus, Although this diagnosis must be carried out jointly by a gynecologist and a sexologist.
«I feel like my vagina is closing»
This is what most patients who come to the doctor for this pathology usually report.
What happens in these women is that the very fear of penetration It certainly causes an involuntary contraction of the pelvic muscle and, therefore, a kind of «vaginal narrowing» that prevents the penetration of any element.
These are some real examples of patients with vaginismus in a sexologist's office:
«The first thing that comes to mind when trying to have intercourse is that It's going to hurt me. I want to have that experience, but when I try to penetrate, I get rigid, my muscles contract from the waist down, and all excitement disappears.
«We have not been able to carry out the full act. I feel a tremendous pain and he is afraid of hurting me. I feel a very strong pain, I get hot, I start to sweat, I close up, I feel very tense. During the gynecological examination I also feel a horrible pain; I try to relax but I can't.
Of course, this fear of intercourse is experienced by women with great anxiety and end up avoiding any situation that puts them at “risk” of having to respond to vaginal penetration.
It is also very difficult for them, as the second patient explains, to go to the gynecologist. They often avoid going to the appointments out of fear of being hurt, and many of them, when they do go, do not allow a check-up by the professional. Of course, putting on a tampon It is also a complicated task.
Despite these symptoms, the sexual response of these women is usually preserved. This means that they respond appropriately to other types of sexual arousal: they experience good sexual performance. vaginal lubrication and they usually have no difficulty in reaching the orgasm. As long as there is no «threat» of intercourse.
Why does this happen to me?
It is difficult to determine a specific cause for a sexual problem, and vaginismus is no exception. Very often sexual problems are a direct consequence of other personal problems that the same person has, such as self-concept, previous traumatic experiences, or self-confidence that the patient may have.
Defining the causes that can lead to vaginismus will require a separate article, since they deserve to be treated in depth, but we can basically summarize them as follows:
- Physical or organic causes: lack of vaginal lubrication, vaginal dryness or menopause.
- Emotional, psychological or sociocultural causes: sexual education, lack of information, misconceptions or myths about sexuality, negative body image, low self-esteem, etc.
Many women with vaginismus tend to be considered «abnormal» or «rare»They often report that people around them seem to have no problems with it, that, in fact, sex is a natural thing, so if they can't do it it must be because «something is wrong down there.»
This thought only accentuates the feeling of guilt or shame for not being like the others and, therefore, leads them to withdraw more and more and avoid exposing themselves to the risk of penetration and to increasingly reduce sexual relations.
«I can't have full sexual intercourse»
This phrase comes from one of the greats myths which accompanies most general sexology consultations: “sex is only complete and “true” when there is penetration. If there is not, it is only foreplay.”
Well, we have already mentioned above that women who suffer from vaginismus are, on the other hand, fully functional On a sexual level, that is, they can enjoy masturbation as well as manual or oral stimulation from their partners.
So can we say that these women do not have full sexual relations?
Not really, these women can enjoy sexual intercourse and even orgasm, and make their partner enjoy it and even reach orgasm.
In the words of Gloria Arancibia, «sexual relations should be focused on the greatest satisfaction and pleasure of each member of the couple, whether through penetration or without it.»
This cultural requirement to have intercourse for sexual intercourse to be complete only aggravates these women's feeling of being «strange,» since they feel that they will never be able to experience a normal sexual intercourse and therefore, most of them think that their partners will eventually get tired of them and leave them.
But one thing is also true, the fact that we understand that intercourse is not necessary to be able to say that we have had a «complete» sexual relationship does not mean that the woman should resign not to practice penetration. On the contrary, the experience of penetration, if she wants it that way, must be part of satisfactory sexuality, so it will be essential that she begins the path towards solving the difficulties that prevent her from doing so.
What if I never get better?
Most women take a long time to go to sexological consultation because of this problem. Many of them even throw in the towel without even trying: “I am like this and I will not be able to change.”
Curiously, of the women with vaginismus who come to the clinic, many of them do so at a certain time in their life: when they decide that They want to be mothers. And for this, of course, penetration will be necessary.
Despite all these reservations, it is important for you to know that Vaginismus has a high probability of resolution if appropriate treatment is followed. In fact, most women who seek medical attention for this problem end up overcoming it and solving it in a more or less short period of time.
The first thing you should do, if you identify with this problem, is go to the gynecologist. Even if it scares you, even if you know it will hurt and that he will not be able to perform a proper examination, you must get over it and go, since the first thing the sexologist needs is to rule out that there is a physical or organic component that is causing the vaginismus. The gynecologist, if he determines that there is no such component, should automatically refer you to a sexologist.
Once in the sexologist's office, you will probably be asked to attend with your partnerIt may seem strange to you, but it will be a decisive point in the therapy. When a woman has this type of problem, she usually starts to make excuses and distance herself from sexual relations more and more, this produces anger and arguments between the couple. It is possible that, faced with this anger, the woman ends up agreeing to have sex «for him.» This only makes the problem worse and makes her feel less and less like having sex.
In the end, both end up interpreting vaginismus as a problem of sexual desire of her, when in reality it has nothing or very little to do with it. That is why it will be essential that both of you go to a consultation and the sexologist gives you indications so that you can stop blaming each other and begin to really understand where the root of the problem is.
It's funny how, normally, couples who go to therapy for this circumstance, end up really dating. reinforced as her partner, since the exercises and activities that are proposed have a lot to do with communication as a couple and with starting to lay the foundations of sexuality again.
Of course, yes You don't have a partner You can also do therapy, the exercises and tasks will simply be different and will be focused exclusively on your pleasure and your body.
If you think you need this type of therapy or another related to sexuality or couples, do not hesitate and Contact now.
*Source: «Vaginismus and painful intercourse» by Gloria Arancibia. Testimonies of patients taken from pages 37 and 38 of the book.