My partner doesn't want to have children, how can we reach an agreement?

Esther and Roberto sit down in the consultation room. In principle, it is a couples therapyat the request of the wife, who did not want to explain the reason over the phone. “Well, here we are, but why?” A kind of war begins: “You tell him”, “No, you better tell him, you have it more under control””, which begins to go in crescendo and I decide to intervene: “Would you mind explaining it to me, between the two of you?” Esther takes the initiative again: “He doesn't want to have children and I do”.

Although it may seem otherwise, on many occasions Couples do not agree on having childrenHowever, it is not so “strange” for a woman to postpone pregnancy or decide that she does not want to be a mother. But it can be difficult for us to accept that her desire to have children is frustrated by a man. This is why in this article we are focusing on when he does not want to have children.

1. Support from your partner
In some cases, parenthood is not as important as having a supportive partner. Although there is always the possibility that generous love will change your mind. The basic thing is to never lose sight of the goal: A child is a couple's choiceIt is very important that both of you open up to a frank dialogue in which each of you can explain to the other what fears the idea of ​​having a child arouses in you.

2. Fear of commitment
Men may be afraid to make a definitive commitment to the relationship because having a child makes the relationship feel grounded. Sometimes, the idea of ​​having children may be considered hasty because The husband believes that he has not enjoyed enough time with his boyfriend and, therefore, with his lovers.. However, it all depends on the type of bond that unites the couple, as well as the personal histories that each one has gone through. If you find yourself in this situation, we advise you to talk. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of having a child. Whatever your final conclusion, each one must respect the other's decision.

3. Economic and employment situation
There is also the fear that his current economic-work situation will prevent him from assuming the support of a child. Some men refuse having children until reaching a certain economic status since they consider – from a very paternalistic and sexist viewpoint – that this is the main pillar with which they can complement the biological responsibilities of women. Faced with this situation, we have several options, among which is not pressuring the man to make the decision we want. On the contrary, we must weigh up the two options that fate would offer us, that is, to continue with our husband and give up, at least temporarily, having children or, unfortunately, to pursue our life project separately.

4. Conflicts of the past
Perhaps our partner doesn't want to even hear about parenting because his own internal conflict, seen during his childhood and therefore from the past, comes to mind. And, as simple as he doesn't want to repeat it, whether consciously or unconsciously, with his own child… only it's not a unilateral decision. In this case, a conversation between the couple is not usually enough, but rather necessary. Professional help through individual therapy for men or even a combination of individual therapy for him plus couples therapy -which will improve communication between the two as well as channel the correct expression of feelings- which will serve to facilitate the emergence of those answers that are usually unknown, even to the man who refuses to be a father.

5. Great responsibility
Sometimes, going from being a son to being a father is a step that not all men are prepared to take because it involves a great responsibility and a huge commitment, plus a whole series of sacrifices that many of them are not willing to accept.
In fact, many times the man who finds himself in this situation, does not know the real reason why he does not want to have children Although he is clear that, at this time, he links his life project more to professional issues and his relationship than to the idea of ​​fatherhood, which seems very far away, although due to his age it should not be so. Very possibly, behind all this, lies the fear of imagining a future in which there is a third little person whose education, health and well-being depend, in part, on him.

6. Health issue: difficulties in having children
There are couples who find it very difficult to have children and, after several attempts without getting pregnant, the person suffers a wear and tear, not only physically but also psychologicallySometimes, one of the two wants to keep trying because the dream to be fulfilled is too intense and, in this attempt, does not take into account what is happening to the other. And we are not only referring to the woman, who is the one who goes through the technical procedure, but also to the man, who feels very hurt on an emotional level and, therefore, wants to stop the search. For this reason, many couples try, then, to find a way out with adoption even though it is a process with a long wait and that also requires a high degree of patience, on both sides.

Therefore, The situation is very painful for the couple.. Although they see the possibility of realizing a dream, there is also the possibility of losing the other in this arduous path. Thus, if the woman wants to have children but the man does not, the refusal is taken as a rejection of herself and, therefore, a demonstration of a lack of love.

In this situation, it is very difficult to make her understand that she is wrong, that her partner loves her but that she must understand that he is “the other”, a person different from herself, with his own projects and dreams and with different needs.

In turn, The man has the feeling of being manipulated by his wife Although if the situation is the other way around, that is, a man who wants to have children and a woman who cannot have them, due to biological age, personal projects or other issues, in Western culture, the man hides his desire to be a father, learning to «disconnect» from his emotions.

7. Insecure personalities
In these cases, selfishness and jealousy appear, as they fear that the baby will capture all the mother's interest and cancel out the love she feels for her partner.

Normally, it is the woman who wants to have a child, either out of maternal instinct or as a life project. Women usually wait for the right moment to have a child, when this instinct is strongest and coincides with a period of stability, whether after marriage or a good work contract. It is that peak moment, everything is ready, you suggest to your partner that it is time to have children and he, well, tells you that, right now, he does not want to have them.

This is when the desire to be a mother is shattered by the refusal of your partner;You know, I just don't think I'm ready…”, “…I think we should wait until our economic situation improves…”These are the most common arguments, but in any case, the person we love has just given us a “NO” to one of the most important questions we will ever ask them. If we do not agree on this issue, can we continue as a couple?

Since the beginning of the relationship, for various reasons, Many men explain that they do not want to have children. However, there are also more subtle ones.No, not for now”; the only problem with the “subtle” ones is that their “moment” or the age of parenthood will never come because they will always put forward a new professional achievement, a salary increase that never comes or a trip “just for us”, which is just another one.

And, although it is true that for men the biological clock is not a decisive factor, it is for women who, from a certain age, consider pregnancy as a “now or never” which causes men to back off and, in some cases, end up breaking off the relationship.

If at this point he reminds you of his same decision but, at the same time, you love each other very much, another important dilemma comes into play: Do I have children or support the love of my life? Many couples have decided to give up children in order to maintain their love, a stable, mature relationship with a future. The value of what is known in the search for the unknown.

If, in the end, being a mother is your greatest dream in life, even more so than marital happiness, you may have to consider continuing the journey on your own, perhaps to return at some point, or perhaps not to return at all.

Having a child will bring about countless changes in your life.

It provides thousands of lessons, unique experiences and an intense bond that, many times, lasts longer than that of a couple. In addition, this bond is different from that of a couple because it involves sacrifices, expectations, decisions and responsibilities and because, obviously, it lasts a lifetime.

On the other hand, not having a child brings time that we can dedicate to our leisure, our creative or professional fulfillment, time to create relationships, earn money, independence, not having to take responsibility for the life of another being who is also defenseless and, therefore, also thousands of unique learning experiences that, however, are totally different from those that a child brings.

If the desire to live one of these two paths is firm, real, Giving them up for a partner is going to be a big give-up. But if we do, it will be an optimal decision like any other, but we will have to take it with certainty. And, not only considering the present but also visualizing the future in many years, considering that changes occur in feelings and in life.

Being aware that our relationship as a couple can change, and that our decision to have or not to have children could become final. Trying to be realistic and to intuit whether perhaps one day, when our relationship evolves, we will regret not having continued with our project.

But before Say goodbye to our partner or our project, let us not stop considering the thousands of alternative options: let us think about the possibility of a woman having a child, even within a couple, without it needing to be the child of both.