As in all relationships, there are ups and downs. The problem appears when One of the two members of the couple begins to question whether they want to be with the other.
Within a couple in which this happens, there is always one of them who, of course, suffers more and Their life becomes a hell based on anxiety and anguish waiting for the other person to make up their mind.
The pain of uncertainty
As we have already mentioned in other articles, A breakup can cause the same feelings as if we lost a loved one forever. In any case, the intensity of the pain depends on the person as there are many variables involved.
The way in which the decision to leave is communicated or the words chosen to express it They can delay or facilitate the subsequent elaboration of grief. of the affected person.
If the person who decides to break up is not clear enough and is ambiguous in their reasons, the message they will convey will be confusing, something that can create expectations of reconciliation with your partner at some point.
Breakups of this type, which do not close completely and remain half-open, are the worst since They can cause depressive, anxiety and obsessive symptoms. time after leaving, since the other person still thinks that they will get back together and has to close a stage and a mourning that in reality does not seem like it.
Messages our partner uses when he doesn't know what he wants
When a situation like this occurs, The most normal thing is to ask ourselves what we have done wrong or what has happened to get to this situation. You go through the messages over and over again, searching for some conclusion that won't leave you in uncertainty, but you don't understand.
The more you read them, the worse it gets because each time you draw different conclusions and those messages make you doubt more and more, they are incongruent, they contradict each other and In the end you don't know whether to think that you're going to get back together or whether the story ends there.
Some messages of this type are:
- “I have doubts, I'll leave you, but maybe in the future we can come back”
- “I don’t know what I want, but I need to let it go”
- “I don’t know if you are what I want. There are times when I feel really good with you, but other times when I can’t be with you. I prefer to leave you.”
- “I can't tell you anything else. Anything can happen, but I can't tell you right now.”
These phrases are so ambiguous because we don't know if that person will want to come back in the future. If you love that person, the most normal thing is that you wait until he or she decides to come back with a constant uncertainty and suffering that does not let you be happy.
Always We think of the only possibility there is and we cling to italthough with these messages it is difficult since we do not know what to do to make that possibility appear.
What do you do when your partner leaves you but is not entirely clear and gives you hope of getting back together in the future?
When a person leaves you and then tells you that he does not rule out the option of returning in the future because he is not sure about it either, you run the risk of staying stuck in a state of constant anxiety, thus being in a state of constant waiting and conditioning your well-being. When the present is no but the future is maybe, it makes us hopeful and decide not to turn the page, we wait for a person who may never come back, delaying that stage of “having a bad time” thinking that maybe it is not necessary to go through it.
If he finally comes back You will have been in constant uncertainty and suffering for a time and then become happy.
If from the beginning he is not going to come back or he does not know it, but you turn the pageYou will have a bad time at first and then you will be happy.
Finally, If you don't know if you're going to come back and in the end you don't come back You will have felt bad because of the uncertainty of knowing or not if he will return and finally you will feel bad again because he will not return.
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The decision is yours
Given this situation, the best thing is for you to decide, You have to look out for your well-being Or do you prefer to suffer for a person who is not coming back?
Even though this idea may scare you, you will be in control of the situation. Imagine that you are waiting for him to come back with that constant suffering, and in the end he doesn't come back. You will have lost all that time and you will also have to bear even greater pain.
On the other hand, if you decide to take control of the situation and do what you want, without waiting, it will hurt at first, but then it won't hurt anymore. Most likely that person will come back, but this time it will be up to you to decide whether you want to come back or not.
How much longer do I have to wait?
If you find yourself in a situation like this, you'll probably wonder how long you have to wait.
But truly You have to ask yourself the following:
- Why put up with this imbalance?
- Why if the other person has left me and is taking that time passively, do I have to suffer?
- Don't you deserve to be chosen with the same certainty as you would be chosen?
- Why settle for someone who doesn't know if he wants to be with me when I know for sure?
What must be clear is that They have to love us for our freedom. If we pester that person by constantly asking them if they want to come back, it is most likely that if they come back it will be because of sadness, nostalgia, guilt or because they cannot find anyone and it is by elimination.
We have to think about ourselves and have more self-love. That way We will not settle for a “maybe we'll come back in the future”you will settle for a person who chooses you out of determination and commitment, for someone who bets on you and your relationship.
We are not talking about forcing our partner or ex-partner to make the decision to be with us. We cannot demand a concrete answer (although we would like to), nor coerce him, persuade him and insist, waiting to hear an answer that gives us hope.
How do you prefer to be chosen? By determination or by ambiguity?
There is something we can do and that is have the right to be elected as we want. In these situations, we cannot insist with our ex-partner and end up returning out of boredom or sorrow. It's time to think about yourself, what you want, what you need and, above all, what you deserve.
Nobody knows if you will return, how long you will last, but yes You will have the guarantee that if you are chosen it is by determination and by willnot because of ambiguity.
In this situation we will feel pain, helplessness, confusion, etc. We all deserve to be chosen as we would be chosen. If he doesn't know if he loves you, it's because he doesn't love you.
When a person tells you that they don't know if they want to be with you, it's because they really don't want to be. When we love someone above all else, despite the arguments and the bad times, people are clear that they want to be together. If that uncertainty and doubt of not knowing if we want to be with the person we have by our side appears, it is because in reality we do not. If we love someone we don't question it.
Psychologist Walter Riso leaves a reflection on reciprocal love: “If someone doubts that they love you, they don’t love you. Lovers must be restrained, not pushed. “I’m not sure” or “I need time” are some of the expressions of emotional hesitation. When love takes hold, it runs through us from side to side like an electric shock. It is evidence that sustains itself, there is no room for doubt. This is like an orgasm: if someone is not sure they had one, they didn't have one.”
No one deserves to live in constant suffering, waiting for a person who doesn't know if he wants to be with us. and less so when we are clear about it.
If you find yourself in such a situation and don't know what to do, our psychologists at will help you. Plus, the first session is free.