How concerned are you about disagreements or disagreements between you and your family? These are situations that occur in life in any type of relationship (friendship, couple), so why would it be any different in the family?
Not agreeing on everything is normal in any type of family (conventional, single-parent, etc.). In some cases, these situations are easy to recognize, but when they stop being occasional ups and downs and become more serious, skills are needed to deal with them. If they are not treated properly, the problems can become much more serious and lead to emotional consequences such as excessive worries or frustrations.
We must start from the basis that Any conflict can be solved with communicationIn fact, many of these problems with family members are caused because that communication does not exist.
Every family crisis requires cooperation between all members.
The origin of conflicts within families
The conflicts They may arise from problems adapting to changes (sometimes the death of a loved one, a move, a divorce or the arrival of a sibling are issues that are not easily accepted) or from bad habits that become habitual, affect behaviour and make dialogue difficult.
The interpersonal relationships are the most affected by family conflicts. For this reason, you do not have to see conflicts only as a problem, but also as a opportunity to learn from mistakes and improve as a family.
The most important thing in the world is family and love (John Wooden)
There are many types of conflicts and they can be classified as follows:
- Depending on the type of relationship between family members There are problems between siblings, parents and children, marriage or couple problems, or even between external relatives (uncles, grandparents, cousins, etc.).
- Depending on the severity of the conflict. It is not the same to have minor arguments (for example, based on reproaches or small fights) than serious arguments that shake the unity of the family (abuse, gender violence, infidelity, etc.).
- Depending on what the root of the problem is, Therefore, there are many different reasons that give rise to conflicts.
The most frequent family conflicts
Many conflicts arise in cohabitation, especially because of generational, ideological or even value differences. Some of the most frequent conflicts are:
- The life cycle. This is a factor that greatly influences family relationships, since there are specific ages and moments that inevitably call for conflict. This is a clear example of adolescence (between 12 and 18 years of age). Children go through a period full of changes, especially in attitude. That is why conflicts between parents and children are so common. There are also conflicts in childhood regarding the development of children, their autonomy and the direction that you think is best for them. Another example is middle age or old age. People face a transition for which they are not prepared due to the new changes that this stage entails. In fact, at this age it is normal to feel irritable. In both cases, you have to use understanding. Reason does not always accompany young people or older people, but you have to accept that it is something typical of the age and that you should not force them to have a balance in them at that time.
- The losses. The death of a family member or someone very dear to you can be a very serious and powerful shock. Often, those who suffer the loss become angry and frustrated, which often leads to family conflicts. But when we talk about loss, it is not necessary to talk about death. You can lose a business, a job, or even a simple opportunity. What we must bear in mind is that any impact requires a certain amount of time to grieve, which depends on the person to process and then overcome. No one is able to overcome something that affects them immediately.
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- Unresolved problems of the pastThe most common mistake is that those family conflicts that you have had and that have not yet been resolved become a latent tension or resentment. This generates, in turn, suspicion, bad mood, hostility, distrust… Normally, all problems have a solution, but, even if they do not, the procedure to follow is the same: as you cannot simply turn the page, a reflection on what has happened and a meeting to make things clear through sincere communication is enough.
- Role confusion. Conflicts are normal when there is no distinction between the roles that each member of the family must fulfill, when it is not known what role each one must play and tyranny occurs. This is the reason why there are cases of parents who ask their children for advice or children who give orders to their parents. The family must be structured according to roles and «authority» so that there is a healthy bond in the family and there is no confusion, misunderstandings, injustices, etc.
- Diseases. If someone in your family suffers from an illness, many conflicts arise, especially when it is a serious illness that requires continuous care (care, dedication, effort and time). Through clear dialogue, tasks and responsibilities must be distributed equitably so that the sick person receives quality care. If this is not the case, do not be surprised if your home is dominated by conflicts arising from «you don't worry about anything», «I do more»… Furthermore, when a loved one suffers from health problems, our mood declines and it is these feelings of sadness and worry that generate tension that leads to conflict.
- Differences in care. Each member of the family has a place in it. Unequal attention will only lead to family conflicts because a structure based on injustice and discrimination has been created. The will for justice must exist. Not all family members will be good at studying or will get a job quickly. The existence of differences is no excuse for there not being love or acceptance. This type of conflict occurs among siblings, which creates envy, jealousy and resentment. Another example of fights taking into account the basic principle of inequality is the management of daily household tasks.
- Aggression and disrespect. These are two factors that increase the possibility of having family conflicts. They should not be accepted. Although aggression, anger and shouting may be normal in certain situations, the problem arises when this pattern of behavior is repeated continuously. Cutting aggression and disrespect at the root is the best way to ensure that the outcome is a break in family ties. Remember that if you want your family to function properly, disrespect cannot be tolerated, because in addition to the break in family relationships, other damage can be caused on an emotional level. Many times, inappropriate and impulsive behavior is due to substance use.
- The couple or marriage. Relationship or marriage problems are common at any stage of a relationship, even at the beginning. Infidelity, decision-making (for example, starting a family), lack of freedom or autonomy of one of the partners generate conflicts, so dialogue must be used to prevent the relationship from wearing out. The most common problem is communication (such as reproaches, insults, shouting, bad language…). You must get to work to solve this lack of communication and problem-solving skills and thus avoid trying to change your partner's way of being. Don't hesitate to go to couples therapy to improve communication and establish the necessary limits so that both parties are comfortable.
- The money. Financial problems never fail to occur in the family environment. Although it may seem like an adult thing, children are also unintentionally involved due to their activities (sports, private lessons, etc.). The lack of financial resources causes tensions and difficulties, since money is present in most decision-making. Another serious case that occurs is that, in these decisions, the member of the couple who earns more money believes that he is the one with more “power.” Such a belief can lead to abuse and mistreatment. The power of decision-making must always be a mutual agreement.
- Divorce. Separation affects not only the parents, but also their children. It can be a painful and traumatic experience for them because a breakup means changes. In many cases, there is a dispute over custody of these changes. What is obvious is that it is the parents who have to make an effort to make the situation easier for their children so that they can better assimilate.
- Alcoholism or addiction on the part of one of the parentsor children, which has clear negative consequences for the family and will bring many problems.
- External factorssuch as problems at work, problems at school… These are conflicts that can make you transfer your negative emotions to the home and cause conflicts there as well.
What can be done in the face of family conflicts?
The advice varies depending on the type of family problem you are going through, although patience, assertive communication and emotional intelligence are applicable to all of them.
- If your conflict is between brothers, Fights should be reduced by trying to establish a pleasant environment in which it is possible to express feelings and thoughts without fear and always avoiding aggression and passivity.
- If it is a couple problemit is essential to work on the dynamics. Don't forget that your conflicts as a couple don't have to involve and poison third parties. If the arguments are about having children or not, a good recommendation is to try living together as a couple before trying to start a family.
- In the event that the conflict arises from the health of a family memberIt is best if the needs of that sick person are met by more than one person.
Therefore, to manage conflicts regardless of their nature and severity, these can always be applied. steps:
- First of all, listenHow do you expect to end a problem if you don't listen to (and therefore don't understand) what the other family member thinks and feels? You must practice active listening, whereby you pay full attention to what the other person is trying to convey to ensure that you understand them perfectly and that they feel understood.
- In second…