Enrique and Natalia had met a few months ago and, after several dates, they began a relationship. Everything seemed to be going well until just a month ago, when some small mistrust arose due to the use of social networks, through which they had met, and which, finally, ended the relationship.
Even though I tried to make Enrique patient, Natalia stopped answering Enrique's messages, did not take any calls, and finally blocked him. so that he wouldn't have any kind of access to her. In the couple of conversations that we both had since the end was precipitated, she recognized that she had no reason, that Enrique is a good person but that they were incompatible. Finally, Natalia «disappeared.»
2.0 names for the same reality: I'm leaving you!
There are indeed different terms for when your partner disappears through social media. “Disappearing” is a way of speaking, like what used to be called “saying goodbye in French style.” But the act itself is the same.
Ghosting is the declaration that someone would rather disappear than face the discomfort of saying goodbye.
Dr. Ramani Durvasula
The danger of «just in case»
How would you feel if the person you met, instead of saying “no thanks, I’ll pass” to your requests to be very special friends, simply “froze you”? Probably not very well. Well, that has another word for it in English, it’s the term benching.
Only this one has even worse “press” than the previous one since it assumes that This person has you there, waiting for him/her since he sends you, with a certain frequency, some short WhatsApp messages, some emoticons… but he doesn't start any conversation because he doesn't respond to anything.
This person's goal is to keep you as a «just in case» contact. Just in case their current relationship fails, just in case they don't meet anyone more interesting, just in case… In some ways, it's a more manipulative and selfish behavior than the previous one because It doesn't allow you to move forward in your own life.
Finally, it may have happened to you that this relationship has completely disappeared from your life and, above all, from your social networks. In fact, you are already completing the mourning when, suddenly, it reappears in the form of a like on a photo of you on Instagram or a comment on Facebook. This phenomenon is called zombie.
I'm sure there aren't that many people who ghost!
In an age where most relationships begin through social media, ghosting is quite common and occurs for a variety of reasons that I will discuss later.
But is it so common? I base my opinion on figures obtained by different publications. A survey carried out in 2014 in the USA for The Huffington Post revealed that 11% of respondents said they had ghosted someone while 13% claimed to have been victims of the same.
Elle magazine conducted a similar survey among its readers, finding that 26% of women and 33% of men admitted to having been both the perpetrator and the victim of ghosting. Fortune magazine, meanwhile, indicated that 80% of young, single Americans had been victims of ghosting at some point. Recently, a survey of 1,000 women and 33% of men admitted to having been the victim of ghosting. survey A survey conducted by INSIDER reveals that 43% of 18- to 29-year-olds say their partner was a friend before starting a romantic relationship.
In Spaina study of IPSOS DIGITAL and Bumble that around 42% of people between 18 and 50 years old have experienced this sexual abuse technique at some point.
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Consequences of leaving the relationship through WhatsApp
The effects are negative for the victim, who is affected by the self-esteem and, in addition, has to perform a grieving the lost relationship although he is unaware of the causes that have motivated it. In addition, there is the constant feeling that that “special” person will reconnect you at any time, which is why you end up becoming addicted to WhatsApp or any other social network.
What happens if that person never gets in touch again? The “left” person ends up magnifying their own insecurities “if I hadn't told him”, “if I hadn't behaved”, “if I hadn't been so dry/overly friendly”… This will have a second very important consequence: it will end up producing effects – from jealousy to verbal aggression passing by Extremely dependent behaviors, bordering on obsessiveness – with your future partner, regardless of how you met him or her.
For his part, the perpetrator will show feelings of guiltespecially if the relationship might seem somewhat stable.
Why does it “ghost”?
The reasons may be diverse:
- Avoidant people of all kinds of conflicts for fear of the consequencesThey hide behind the screen of a computer, mobile phone or tablet to find a partner, so they don't have to face their own fears and insecurities. And, for the same reason, they will «leave» you in the same way.
- Get rid of the other. According to Sherry Turkle, a sociology professor at MIT, this is an easy way to “get rid” of people. She says that ghosting is unique in the online world because it is as easy as saying goodbye to someone with “nothing.” Obviously, if we think about typical interpersonal relationships, we cannot imagine saying goodbye to someone with “nothing, thanks” unless it is in a very specific setting, such as having a drink. This has important consequences because it seems as if we can ignore the other person and the ability to put ourselves in the other person’s shoes gradually disappears.
- Goodbyes are awkward. Well, there's nothing better than not saying goodbye! And if it's a partner or a potential partner, even better. We have the false illusion of «I talk to a lot of people» – because our virtual socialization is extensive – However, our interpersonal relationships are becoming more and more restricted.
- Previous painful breakups. The perpetrators have gone through previous breakups that, at the time, were not handled correctly. They project the damage they suffered onto their victims but in the form of a non-farewell. This causes the rejection to drag on over time, causing much more pain than they themselves suffered.
Guidelines for leaving your partner responsibly
- Face the conversation. It's only natural that you feel fear and insecurity when faced with a conversation that could end your relationship. Think about using sensitivity and tact to avoid hurting the other person's feelings.
- Organize what you are going to say. This is not synonymous with giving a pre-conceived speech; that would sound cold, distant, impersonal, and without feeling. Have a coherent structure, with clear reasons for why you want to leave the relationship.
- Speak calmly and slowly. At least for a while, you have been important to each other. So be honest but clear and try to keep the conversation within a level that does not lead to argument or confrontation.
- Try to control negative emotions. If your conversation turns into shouting, anger and reproaches, it will be harder for you to get over the breakup. Therefore, if you find that you are not able to control your emotions, it is best to try to lower the level of tension, calm down and resume the conversation later.
- Mourning the lost relationship. When you accept the breakup, you will go through normal grieving. It is not indefinite, little by little you will feel better.
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