Not worrying about what you cannot control was one of the premises of Epictetus, a stoic who said that one had to stop worrying about things that one has no control over, and take control of those that one can. This has been one of the most widely taught philosophies of life throughout history and resonates a lot with the serenity prayer:
God, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Even psychologists have recognized that you have to know what are the things that you can control and the things that you can not control so that you can really live a fulfilling lifewithout so much worry or unnecessary stress.
What can you control and what can’t?
The psychologist Jeffrey S. Nevid works with cognitive-behavioral therapy, which does not focus on childhood to find the root of the problems but in the here and now, and seeks to give the patient solutions to change those harmful thoughts or behaviors . This type of therapy is based on the premise that perceptions and thoughts have an influence on behavior.
So Nevid gives different phrases to his clients so they can better recognize the things they can’t control and the things they can:
• You can’t control other people’s responses, but you can control what you say or do to respond to them.
• You cannot control the thoughts that arise in your mind, what you can do is control your response to those thoughts.
• You cannot control everything that happens in life.
• You cannot expect people to meet your needs or put them before their own.
• You cannot expect to be the best at everything you do. Even the most amazing basketball players fail on occasion.
• You can’t control what others think of you, but you can control how you respond to criticism.
• You cannot directly control how you feel, but you can control how you are going to deal with those emotions and thoughts that make you feel negative things.
The Stoics said that when you really know the difference, you can find your inner strength to see life from another perspective.. As the serenity prayer says, wisdom comes when you know how to recognize those things that are in your control and those that are not.
Everything you hear is an opinion, not a fact. All you see is a perspective, not the truth. You have power over your mind, not over outer events. Realize this and you will find strength.
(Marcus Aurelius)