Javier, 15 years old, comes to the consultation because he seems to have lost motivation, illusion and fears flood his mindblocking all his emotional activity. Javier, until relatively recently successful in the academic field, excellent athlete and with many friends, has suddenly fallen apart. Or perhaps he has always been like this and because expectations of him were excessively high he did not want to disappoint anyone?
What is an insecure teenager like?
Insecure teenagers tend to have numerous fearsreal or perceived, among which are the fear of rejection from their peer group. Remember that they are at that age where their group of friends are “their family” because they are those who “will never let them down in life, but really” and, therefore, there is a need, a desire to be sure to be well integrated into the groupwithout rejection from any other member of the same group. However, in this life nothing is certain, not even the group of friends, but it is necessary to reach a certain level of maturity in order to accept this.
There is also the fear of making a fool of oneself and the fear of being alone. It is a product of the low self-confidence that the teenager has within himself, which leads him to have a low self-esteem.
In addition, on most occasions we encounter a shy teenager who is shown to be withdrawn in the search for sensations that characterize this stage. This leads to a certain social isolation in which the worst of their fears come true.
What characteristics does an insecure teenager have?
Although each person is unique and generalizations are negative, these are some of the characteristics that parents should look for before their child has a disorder:
- Excessive fear of failure, rejection and loneliness.
- He has little motivation to do enjoyable activities.
- Difficulties in communicating with one's own family.
- Decreased energy and vitality.
- The school reports a significant decline in his ability to concentrate and pay attention, as well as in his academic performance, even though he is studying more than he used to.
- In class he behaves in a shy and isolated manner or in a conflictive and disruptive manner.
- Hypersensitivity to criticism, perceived grievances, and negative evaluations.
- Low tolerance to frustration.
- He devalues himself.
What are the causes of insecurity in adolescence?
- Physical appearance. One of the most important aspects for today's teenagers is their appearance. On the one hand, we live in a «showcase» society in which teenagers are constantly receiving inputs, according to which, if you are «handsome, tall, thin and young», you automatically become symbols of success at all levels. Therefore, if a teenager does not meet one or more of these requirements, he or she may fall into a dysmorphophobia that, despite having to be treated psychologically, many will end up “curing” in the operating room. To end comparisons with others and with oneself, reflected in a mirror that returns to us a perceived image that is not real, it is necessary teach our children to accept themselves as they areIt is true that teenagers have a strong need to feel “different” from the rest, but they will find this within themselves and you must help your child to discover it.
- Affections. Every teenager needs to be reassured that he or she is loved at home and that his or her existence is important to his or her family. It is important to convey this love and support to him or her at this time when he or she is trying to find his or her place in the world.
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- Conduct. Your teenager is doing everything he can to impress you, and often times, either because you are too busy or because you think “it is the right thing to do” or because you are used to him always doing it right, you don't notice his efforts. However, from time to time it is okay to act impressed because it is a positive reinforcement for positive behavior, which will lead to continued behavior. In addition, by increasing motivation, it will be possible to eliminate the worry of facing new challenges, which is characteristic of insecure adolescents.
- Overprotection. Overprotective parents – even more so the domineering and controlling ones who want their children to do everything they could not do – make decisions for their teenage children. In this way, when one of their children is faced with a decision, they hesitate, they get blocked… It is important that parents encourage their children to express their opinions, to make small decisions so that they see that Communication must be assertive and flow in a natural way, even limiting what we do not want.
- Self-depreciation. Almost without realizing it, the teenager jumps from insecurity to negative recurring thoughts that slowly become established in the form of a loop. Be careful! When should you be very alert? When the autolytic and thanatolytic verbalizations. Possibly when they begin to verbalize self-harm they have already been practicing it for a long time. Seek help from a psychologist immediately. At we advise you.
What can a teenager do about his insecurity?
- Go to the psychologist especially in these cases. If you are very insecure or if you have ever self-harmed or thought about suicide. First of all, if you are thinking that you are “not crazy”, I know, of course not! Normally, people with “madness” problems go to the psychiatrist. This is not your case, you have a problem, do you want to solve it? Go to the appropriate specialist, in the same way that if you had a cavity you would go to the dentist. In fact, if you do not want anyone to know, that is how it will be; only your parents, you and the specialist will know. On the other hand, think that Insecurity does not change from one day to the nextAnd there is no medicine that will cure your insecurity; you come to therapy with an empty toolbox and the therapist's goal is to provide you with enough tools to feel comfortable in your own life.
- Choose your friends wisely Try to make sure they are cheerful, positive, and free from bad vibes. You never know how much others can influence us during adolescence. Obviously, if your group of friends checks the calorie content of all the foods, and complains – without doing anything to change – they will surely pass on their insecurity to you, so run away!
- Look at yourself in the mirror But do it with good eyes. Say positive things to yourself, focus on all the good things in you.
- You are good, and you know it! Strive to do what you know you are good at, whether it is sports, music, dancing, etc. because you will be able to form a team with other people, establish new relationships, and feel proud of your achievements.
- I'm afraid. Yes, okay, it doesn't matter, we all have fears but if you are an insecure teenager it is important to know what they are and when they appeared because they can be the main cause of your insecurity. Talk to your psychologist.
- Positive thoughts. The mind is very tricky and if your thoughts are negative and start with a NO, the mind tends to focus on this NO, without taking into account the rest of the thought. Your psychologist will teach you to rationalize.
- Say what you think as long as you do it in an assertive manner and without causing harm to anyone. And, if you make a mistake or others don't like what you've said, you can learn from the mistake – if it was one – or assume that each of us has a perception of things and it doesn't necessarily have to coincide. emotional maturation process will have started.
Guidelines for parents of insecure teenagers
- Don't solve their problems. Your child's insecurity may be due to a lack of autonomy that makes him unable to make decisions. As hard as it may be, give him a little room to make decisions, depending on the responsibility he assumes. If he makes a mistake, he will learn from failure, which is the only way to achieve real success, which is self-confidence.
- Congratulate him. It doesn't have to be every day, but if he's done something well, it would be nice to acknowledge it. He doesn't think highly of himself right now, and any words from you will reinforce him tremendously.
- Comprehension. He will probably reject you because his inner battle is great but he needs you.
- Respect their space. NHe needs his room, his things, and even his friends. Respect him, even though I know you are worried and would like to talk. Wait.
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