Manuel, 43 years old, comes to the consultation because he feels “continually angry and highly irritable”. He claims to lose his temper quickly – despite the fact that his job is customer service at a well-known company – and that, on some days, he can reach the “easy yell” stage, which has already cost him a few warnings and has led him to sit on my couch. Even so, he justifies himself by saying “it’s because I feel like I’m going to have a heart attack, nothing goes the way I want it to and my job can be very stressful.”
Do you identify with Manuel? Then don't miss the following lines: causes, consequences and, especially, tools to get out of this state of continuous anger and discomfort.
Most of us are angry for an excessive amount of time, even if it is only short but repeated outbursts of rage. We get angry with people in our family, work, social environment, with the world, with life and, in fact, most of the time, we are angry with ourselves. Anger is like a battery that is constantly charging, with a direct impact on a wide range of illnesses.
When we get angry, we deny a reality that we do not like and that hurts us, and that is why we react with rage – if we can, outwardly, and if not, inwardly. Whenever we get angry, something changes and when we attack, we show a defensive attitude. The problem is that this defense is first directed against ourselves, since it is a negative and destructive emotion with a direct impact on our physical and mental state.
If you don't accept the situation, you get angry.
Anger shows a direct relationship with the level of our demands and expectations and inversely proportional to our level of acceptance. Therefore, the frequency with which we get angry gives us a clear clue about our capacity for tolerance and acceptance.
For example, there are people who are relatively patient in work conflicts and rarely lose their smile outside the home, but at home they frequently explode and that same person is prone to shouting. This does not mean that they are treated worse at home than outside, but rather that anger is often associated with self-pity, victimization and the idea of injustice.
From here we will have to see what causes our anger: If we answer “everything”, that is, from the works on the street to the government problems, including the mother-in-law, the children's school, “toxic” classmates, the character of my partner and, worse, that of my ex-partner… and a long list more, then, consider that perhaps you need a little aid psychotherapeutic, since you show a conflict of acceptance with each person or situation, specifically.
If, on the other hand, the objects of our anger are clearly in the background, they indicate to us where our problem is failing. emotional intelligencethat is, that which hurts the most and makes us explode or that which, although we want to control at all costs, we still do not control.
The more ego we have, the more vulnerable we are to anger.
There are people with a huge, gigantic ego. It is easier for these people to be bothered by the events that occur around them.
So, if someone in their environment shows a gesture of disgust after several hours of hearing them talk about “I, I, I…”, the person will interpret it as a clear and obvious offense: of course! Although the person who made the gesture may have many personal reasons that have nothing to do with them. In the same way, a look can be hurtful and all gestures and words are confronted by someone with an excessively large ego. Therefore, it is most likely that the situation or relationship will end in anger.
Hence the importance of “not taking anything personally” because, in fact, each of us lives our own life in which we are the protagonists, with our own fears, frustrations and searches and with our own way of reacting to others and to the situations that arise.
But we must understand that we are a small part of the universe and that none of us, individually, is so extremely important – no matter how much our ego tells us otherwise – that the lives of others should revolve around our own.
If we understand that each person is searching for themselves – with more or less success – we will be happier but, above all, we will feel less affected on a personal level by the opinions or attitudes of others.
Ultimately, it is about growing as people. Learning to be more patient, suffering in order to become more and more humane, and from time to time, in this process, manners are lost. However, the most important thing is to always maintain respect for oneself and for others in order to know how to recover them and, if necessary, ask for forgiveness.
Control or repress anger?
According to the Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (TREC) it is necessary to maintain rational thinking that helps control emotions: «Controlling anger is not the same as repressing it. We do the latter when it already dominates our mind even if we do not recognize it. We pretend not to be angry and we control our actions but not the hatred itself.»
If what we do is repress feelings (anger, rage) we do not stop feeling the emotion (anger) or the thoughts that produce that emotion and feeling. For example, a person in your environment shows an attitude towards you that bothers you but you choose to remain silent to avoid a conflict in your own environment. In other words, you are repressing a feeling (anger) because of the conflict (more intense anger) that it could produce.
But repressing it means the same as heating yourself up like a pressure cooker because it is possible that the person's behavior will not stop and you will have to continue «filling» your pot with feelings that you repress but have not managed to control. There will come a time when your emotional pressure cooker will explode in an externalized way in the form of anger, rage or resentment or in an internalized way producing psychosomatic alterations.
On the other hand, if we control ourselves, these reactions will not occur. Why? Because you can choose not to say anything to this person but accept that they have an attitude that you do not like and try to understand them, empathize. Also, having tried to put yourself in their shoes and thinking about why they react like that, you can try to talk to them about their attitude towards you but without the need to be hurtful or annoying.
At this moment you are controlling your emotions and feelings and, therefore, you have nothing to repress. You will not have to get angry with that person because you will have taken a few minutes to understand why he or she reacts the way he or she does. This gives you more inner peace because you have escaped from the conflict without having to repress it. And, in the long run, it will make you happier. If you practice this type of control, you will become a more serene, calm, relaxed person and you will be in a spontaneous attitude that will not require any effort on your part. Remember that you will reach the point where you will have nothing to repress but… nothing to control either.
How do I know I need professional help from a psychologist?
People with frequent problems due to multiple recurring angers, with frequent fights and arguments, students who are always “the ones punished” and all those people whose life situations generate constant anger, may need professional help (see a psychologist) to confront the real reasons why they are angry.
If any of the following situations apply to you and you are a minor, tell your parents, a teacher, your school tutor, the school psychologist, or any other adult you trust. If you are an adult, seek professional help if:
- You have long-standing anger about something that happened in the past or is still happening today.
- You tend to be very irritable, moody or short-tempered.
- You show persistent anger or rage towards yourself.
- Anger makes you want to hurt yourself or others.
- You frequently cause fights and arguments.
“For every minute we are angry, we lose sixty seconds of happiness” (Ralph W. Emerson)
If you identify with these situations, at we invite you to have a first consultation with a psychologist completely free of charge and see for yourself how psychology can help you.