Emma, 41, had temporarily left the practice of law to “maintain rights” (as she joked) for the lovely family she had with a well-known and busy doctor in the city. Now that their four children were beginning to grow up, Emma came to my psychology office with a very clear request: “I am afraid of everything.” “But, everything is too much, don’t you think? Right now, are you afraid of being here?” And her answer was surprising: “Well, don’t you believe it! I am afraid of whether I will be able to return to work or not, whether I will feel comfortable or not, whether I will remember something or not, how my husband will take it, how my children will go, whether my house will be left in disarray, whether…”
All human beings are afraid of the future. Especially because we do not know what it holds for us and, therefore, it is something we cannot control. Like everything we cannot control, it causes us insecurity and indecision.
There is Very common fears that prevent us from doing things and fulfilling ourselves as people as well as how to achieve our goals. These include fear of failure, rejection, not having money, success and not doing things perfectly. The latter is a widespread but irrational fear. Let us remember that perfection does not exist, at most, excellence. In any case, being afraid should be seen as something natural and adaptive to the environment.
Can we not be afraid?
Fear is necessary because it is the warning signal that there is a danger – real or perceived – nearby.
In our case, the alert warns us of imminent pain. It is the anticipation of damage in the immediate future and prepares our body to cope with it in the best possible way. At the same time, it allows us to make all the necessary changes so that the discomfort in our environment does not interfere with our daily life.
What is the difference between fear and anxiety?
Fear can end up being part of our personality and the way we live, but many times it separates us from reality and we enter a subjective world that can overwhelm us and even block us.
On the other hand, personality can be constituted by any of the three main manifestations of fear: emotional anxiety, phobias or panic. But, let's look at these three elements separately:
- Anxiety. It is an adaptive response to certain situations or circumstances. In response to uncertain stimuli – also called stressorswhether external or internal – the particularly anxious individual tends to perceive and interpret the situation as potentially dangerous even though, in reality, it is not. Danger ends up causing it, whether real or perceived.
- Panic. It is a most acute form of anxiety. There is a distortion of reality, with no object to fear. How is this understood? The person has a constant disposition to hypervigilance of the environment and is predisposed to be afraid in a constant way, at any time and in an acute way. In addition, they are accompanied by other anxiety symptoms such as: irritability, desires to avoid or escape in certain situations, things, animals, people.
- Phobias. It involves a disproportionate and irrational fear of said situations, things, animals or people, accompanied by a desperate need to avoid them since the person knows that if he faces it – without adequate treatment – he will end up having a anxiety attack or, in the most severe cases, a panic attack.
Can we spread fears or can we be spread by them?
Have you ever had a conversation with a colleague who told you “how bad things were at the company, he knew it for a fact”, and you ended up feeling the same fear of being out of work as he did? – to give an example – this is an example of how we can spread – and be infected – through socialisation, communication, information – or, often, misinformation, and, especially, that produced by the network – which makes us end up losing energy and vitality, while at the same time, confusion of thought occurs. Therefore, our self-confidence decreases – whether in our capacities or skills – so there is only one way out: to face it.
If we are able to face our fears, we stop to understand them and then we will be able to transform them. One of the first things to keep in mind is that it is not only external stressors that trigger fear but also our perception and evaluation of them. Therefore, if we do not learn to face our fears, we will end up being victims of them and suffering from some kind of problem.n emotional disorder.
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Can I stop being afraid?
Of course! We must bear in mind that almost all of us have one, but in some cases it ends up becoming a real psychological disorder – a phobia – and in others it is nothing more than having a bad time during an exam, a job interview or in interpersonal relationships.
In any case, these are some Guidelines to stop being afraid:
- Admit you have it. It doesn't make you better or worse, stronger or weaker, it makes you more realistic because it's not «bad» to have it. In fact, different types of fear are part of each one of us. You are the one who decides whether that fear will control you or not, what do you decide?
- Are you one of those who say that you have your feet on the ground? Let's check it out! Take note. Yes, as if it were a list, without leaving any out. If you find it difficult, ask yourself: What do I think I'm afraid of? What do I think is my most important fear? If you make your list, you make your fears «real», you externalize them from inside your mind and you begin to regain control.
- Okay, we've admitted it, but that doesn't mean the fear is gone. At the very least, you're now ashamed of some of those fears. Now, ask yourself: What could happen if it becomes real? What do I think is the worst that can happen? Is it as bad as I imagined? Am I overestimating the importance of this fear? Consider that if I were, the feeling of being blocked would be very likely to occur.
- Make your main fear have physical properties. Give it size, texture, color, smell, etc. Create a mental image of that fear, so you can distance yourself from it.
- Describe how you feel. Do you have anxiety? How much? (from 0 to 10) Physiological sensations? What do you think? If you do this at the beginning and at this moment, you will see how your physiological, cognitive and emotional sensations regarding the anxiety derived from fear have diminished and that fear will begin to disappear.
- Imagine that there is some object or person that serves as a symbol of security and protection. A known person who gives you calm and confidence or a protective crystalline bubble or a blue halo of light that gives you energy and calm to overcome difficulties.
- Deal with it in an active way. If you let them get to you, you're going to miss out on a lot of things. Do you really want that? Coping means trying as many times as necessary until you succeed.
- Being in the here and now, that is, in the present moment. Many of them are derived from projections into the future: thanatophobia, gerascophobia, fear of losing one's job, fear of being alone… But that future has not yet arrived and, therefore, does not exist. And the past is the past, it is only a memory. The only thing that actually exists is the present, the here and now.
What do I do if I'm already afraid of everything?
- Most of them are totally irrational. What we do is anticipate dangers or threats in a future that we do not even know if it will happen as we imagined. It is very important to focus on the here and now. It is very useful both cognitive-behavioral psychotherapy such as mindfulness.
- All things have a negative and a positive side. Try to focus on the positive side. Live surrounded by positive experiences and positive people. Think that life goes by faster than you imagine. Is it really worth spending it being a prisoner of fear? Positive psychology could also help you.
- Sharing fears is often helpful because we realize that we are not alone. Don't you have anyone to share it with? The little child that you once were still lives inside you and needs your protection and love. Activate your internal dialogue between the responsible and strong adult and the defenseless and fearful child. This way you will be able to make your inner child strong and reduce your fears.
- If they have become pathological – phobias – I recommend that you use face-to-face therapy, online therapy or Virtual Reality and you will be able to face these fears in the safe environment of a psychological consultation in order to overcome them.
You have to do the things you don't think you are capable of doing.
Elenore Roosevelt
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