Rocio has a problem with Juan: age. She is 32 and he is 39 and, although it may seem that it is the age difference, that has never been a problem for them. In fact, if today they are sitting on the sofa as if they were psychologist use for couples therapy While I try to “get” the words out of them, it is for a very different and much more serious reason… Rocío says she has lost confidence in Juan.
A couple is based on fundamental pillars such as: trust, respect and communication. These are the three legs of a stool called a “relationship.” If there is trust, there is respect, and if both exist, communication flows.
But it is necessary that only one of them does not occur for the stool to be lame. And if that “leg” is trust, then it implies a lack of respect and, therefore, communication becomes divergent and, in some way, we stop having a “stool” – relationship – due to the loss of its “legs” or indispensable elements.
Why does distrust begin in a couple?
The reasons may be varied but among the most important are:
- Insecurities our own fears that we project onto our partner and that make the other party feel inferior (although it may also be the case that these fears are actually happening).
- Monotony in the couple. As we well know, at the beginning of a relationship everything is very nice but as time goes by the routine of daily life also takes hold in the couple, unless it remains very active.
- Jealousy. Generally unfounded, but isn't it true that it really bothers us to see our partner even if it's just talking to one person, and no matter how good a friend they are, of the opposite sex?
- Parents-in-law, parents and other relatives. The relationship goes through complicated moments, but if all the members of the extended family get involved in giving their opinions, coexistence becomes even more complicated.
- Couple mistakesAlthough it is true that each couple is a world, there are a series of errors that are common to all couples and that usually occur, especially at the level of communication or non-expression of feelings «…because you already know…» and all of them must be stopped before they become a major conflict.
- Sexual disorders. Especially in men, they are interpreted by women as a lack of desire for themselves. Based on the distorted belief that “men have more sexual needs than women”, women assume that they get what they need “outside the home”. Not only does this lead to a lack of trust, but also to a serious conflict within the couple.
- Infidelity. It is the most important cause of loss of trust. The discovery of an infidelity by one of the members of the couple is one of the most traumatic experiences that members of a couple can suffer. It is usually done through text messages, email, WhatsApp, telephone conversations, chats and the Internet, up to longer and more complex extramarital relationships. Obviously, all are used as forms of cheating on your partner. In short, lies that shake even the most solid of trusts.
The power of forgiveness in the couple
The saying goes “to err is human, to forgive is divine” and who can say that they have never, ever, ever been wrong? Does the situation change when our partner is the one who makes the mistake?? Possibly, for this reason it is necessary to make a exercise in empathy.
It is necessary to put ourselves in the other person's shoes and think about how we should be feeling at this very moment when we ask for forgiveness – if you are the one who is going to forgive – and if you are the one who has «made a mistake», think that if your partner feels anger, resentment, sadness, deep pain and that he or she is going to need more than a declaration of intentions to forgive you, is this a logical reaction or, perhaps, would you feel differently?
A couple is built on a few fundamental pillars: trust, respect and communication.
In this situation, you as the person asking for forgiveness must be willing to listen to the complaints, the regrets, the feelings, the pain expressed by your partner… think that it will do little or nothing to tell him or her several well-constructed versions of what happened. By the way, be honest, without lying, that would only serve to widen the gap between you.
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You should not minimize the “mistake” because it only serves to make your partner think you are faking forgiveness, nor should you go to the other extreme and humiliate yourself because if your partner is not willing to forgive you, from almost the beginning, it will not help you to ask for forgiveness every day. Therefore, it is often better to distance yourself for a while. All scars – even the deepest ones – heal with time and there is no point in licking them with an unrequited request for forgiveness.
If you walk away, your partner will realize that you are willing to sacrifice what you had so that the other person can be happy without you, he or she will give more value to your request for forgiveness and, in many cases, he or she will end up forgiving. And, then, All of this makes you stronger as a couple. and has allowed you to grow emotionally as people.
What if despite I can't trust my partner?
So, you'd better both give each other freedom, get some distance, because that's the only thing that will allow you to heal.
There is nothing worse than living with distrust towards your partner. Because you flood your mind with negative thoughts, feelings of uncertainty and insecurity, and all of this can end up producing a pathology. Distrust can be produced by infidelity. To what extent can you be calm when your partner is not with you? Possibly, what would happen is that you would be thinking about: who he is with, where he is, what he is doing… and others. recurring negative thoughts that would end up making you seriously ill emotional damage.
If you forgive the damage done is not easily forgotten, which means You would need to go to a psychologist to reinforce your self-esteem..
In any case, not all is lost, trust can be rebuilt. Continuing with the case of infidelity, everything will depend on the actions of the person who cheated and whether the cheated person is willing to continue after seeing the advantages and disadvantages, that is, after asking themselves; can I give it another chance? Is it worth it to continue the relationship? In any case, your decision will affect both of you and the rest of your lives.
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