A few days ago I organized a group therapy with women who come to the psychologist and that coincide in a common denominator: defining themselves with a “I didn't like it”.
The participants did not know each other before starting the group therapy and this was the order in which they arrived: Carmen, 18, who considers the mirror her worst enemy. Sandra, 32, who, although she does not strictly follow advertising standards of beauty, has a special “glow.” Júlia, 45, is obese and wears baggy clothes, which makes her look even worse. Sara is in crisis: she has just turned 40 and, at the same time, her marriage has broken up. She lives inundated by recurring negative thoughts: “Nobody will love me because I am ugly and fat and I will be alone forever.” Her coping strategy is binge eating and, later, discomfort and guilt.
Is not liking yourself a disorder?
The body dissatisfaction It is a common symptom in a society that exalts beauty, youth and health as icons of social success. For this reason, there are many people who develop a excessive concern about physical appearance which can lead to the “I don't like it” that ends in stress and body dysmorphic disorderaccording to the International Reference Questionnaire on Body Image Disorders (“Body Dysmorphic Disorder Questionnaire” (BDDQ)
Some of the most common concerns are thighs, legs, abdomen, chest, skin, buttocks, facial features, weight, and marks or scars.
We can distinguish various types of characteristics that people who suffer from this “illness” suffer from:
- Cognitive-affective. Patients suffer a lot anxiety which greatly interferes with their life, being more intense in social situations because this is where the person has a greater awareness of their physical appearance. The subject believes that they are being watched by everyone else because their “physical defects” are so obvious that they “call attention” which makes them feel ashamed, with a great fear of ridicule.
This exaggeration of possible imperfection leads to the intensification of a series of maladaptive beliefs which are the maintainers of the problem and which come from negative thoughts about their own appearance.
Our beliefs are a basic part of our life. Our thoughts are orders that will be obeyed and we will see them reflected as experiences. So, if you have thoughts of fear, failure or lack of loveyou will turn them into your reality immediately. In this case, the negative thoughts of which we speak are: «Nobody loves me”, “Everyone wants to hurt me”, “I'm ugly”.
- Behavioral. These types of patients tend to wear loose clothing to conceal their problem. It is quite normal for them to repeat checking behaviors such as grooming rituals, constant comparisons with others, or constant questioning of their surroundings.
“Nothing and no one should make you lose the illusion of life, happiness is within you, do not look for it outside, because it is closer than you can imagine”
It has been observed comorbidity between the body dysmorphic disorder and the obsessive-compulsive disorder since patients often perform recurrent compulsive rituals aimed at improving their body aesthetics, despite the reluctance of surgeons who indicate a previous psychological treatment.
It can also be given comorbidity with eating disorders where body distortion is one of the factors maintaining the disorder as well as one of its causes. Both in the anorexia as in the bulimiapatients are extremely concerned about being thin.
Liking yourself, disliking yourself and their effects on self-esteem
The self-esteem It is the evaluative feeling of our being, of who you are, of the set of physical, mental and emotional traits that make up your personality.
It is related to the self-acceptancelove and accept yourself with your qualities, defects and limitations. The self-confidence to face life. It can be improved throughout our life, by becoming aware of ourselves and if we decide to change our learned thinking and behavior.
Self-esteem is made up of five self-concepts:
- Emotional. The way a person reacts to life's circumstances, as well as their attitude towards them. It is directly related to the person's self-acceptance of themselves, as well as the way others perceive them.
- Physical. External body aspects that differentiate the person and constitute their physical appearance (physical constitution, way of dressing, facial expression…) In addition, regular exercise, adequate nutrition and regular rest are necessary for Maintain physical well-being and a healthy life.
- Social. Refers to behavior with others, customs, habits and conventions in interpersonal relationships. It generates a pleasant and trusting feeling in your intra- or interpersonal relationships.
- Academic/Work. The person's perception of the quality of their role performance, whether as a student or worker. The dimension revolves around two axes: the student/worker's feeling about their role performance based on what teachers/bosses say (good/bad student, good/bad worker…) and specific qualities valued in that context (intelligence, esteem of colleagues, leadership,…).
- Family. Perception of the person about their involvement, participation and integration in the family. It is articulated in two axes: parents as providers of trust and affection and family and home, both from a negative point of view, “my family is disappointed” and from a positive point of view, “my family would help me with anything.”
What to do to improve self-esteem?
- Be aware of your own life.
- Live in the present, in the here and now.
- Adapt and face your reality.
- Reflect on what you should do.
- Challenge yourself.
- Be independent.
- Note that we all make mistakes; correct yours.
- Keep a positive and active attitude.
- Take only reasonable risks.
- Be honest and respect the truth of others.
- Ignore destructive criticism.
- Don't feel bad just to make others feel good, respect yourself.
- Try to be happy.
“Man has the ability to choose his personal attitude to any challenge or set of circumstances and thus decide his own path. Whatever man becomes, he must become for himself. Self-esteem has been called the key to personal success, because that “self” is sometimes hidden and submerged in unconsciousness or ignorance.”
Body image, attractiveness and excessive concern
Women in particular are subject to the dictates of social fashions. Over the years, women have not been judged by their intellectual ability, their work ability or their personality but by their attractiveness. And, although this is becoming less true, women have learned, culturally, that Your body is important to please and seduce.
Nowadays, when women have entered the workforce in a very even way, we see how, socially, being attractive, tall and thin continue to be requirements for being “successful” although, certainly, there are also very “successful” women who do not meet these requirements. So what happens? Apart from the fact that it is important to have a intellectual and work capacity as well as a marked character, True beauty comes from within of each one of us, and if that magic doesn't exist, it can't be achieved. In other words: attractiveness is not only our way of being but also our way of being in life.
In fact, we are going to see it with a simple exercise: think about someone's image. Do you find them attractive on their own? Or are they more attractive when they move and express themselves? Keep thinking about that image: do you like their eyes? Or is it their gaze that you really like?
So, we can say that Body image is positive if factors such as::
- You are satisfied with your body.
- You see your body in a realistic way.
- You understand that body image is just one more element of you
Instead, body image is negative if:
- You underestimate or overestimate your body shape, size, or weight.
- The dissatisfaction you feel towards your body causes you anxiety, anger or shame.
- You focus all your attention on your body image.
- You engage in avoidance behaviors, checking yourself in the mirror and even wearing baggy clothing.
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What are the factors that influence the formation of body image?
What we understand as beauty depends on the culture and the historical period. What you learn in your family context is decisive in developing your own idea of body image. In adolescence, you search for your own identity and the comparisons that the adolescent makes with his group of friends influences the way he sees himself. Thus, if it is accepted, it acts as a positive reinforcementBut if they have received criticism, insults or mockery, they will act negatively, even during their adult life.
Guidelines to feel good about yourself
It is impossible to always stay young, slim, wrinkle-free… The body changes with the passage of time, and thank goodness! That means we are still here! Therefore, learn to value and take care of your body, but above all, your inner self.
- If you don't look in the mirror, stop for a moment and look at yourself, face to face and naked. The first time, you will criticize yourself a lot but you should feel unique and special because you are!
- Do you have a scale in your bathroom? Throw it away!
- Learn to identify when you are hungry to differentiate it from the need to consume food, such as sweets, simply to avoid feeling anxious.
- Renew your clothes. Throw away baggy clothes, believe it, you are attractive!
- You certainly have many qualities, enhance them! Don't just wait for someone to tell you, you must believe in them. In this way, you will learn to respect yourself, to accept yourself, to face your fears.
- Activate your internal dialogue to know how to make decisions.
- Maintain good interpersonal relationships, avoiding toxic relationships.
- Change what you don't like about your own life.
- Know and impose your limits to know how to say “no.”
- Don't be afraid to say you disagree, as long as you are respectful.
- Have a positive attitude.
“We can only respect others when we respect ourselves; we can only give when we have given ourselves; we can only love when we love ourselves” (Abraham Maslow)
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