A few days ago, a flustered Nerea arrived at her therapy session and told me: “My parents don't like my partner, can you believe it? I already told you it was a bad idea to introduce him to me.”.
Love can be a tricky subject when it comes to children. As parents, we want the best for them and worry about their choices in partners. Therefore, It is important to accept that at some pointsooner or later, love will appear in the lives of our children.
Probably our children's first experience of love will not last a lifetime, or maybe it will, who knows. What is clear is that it will involve learning and you as parents must learn with him or her about this new situation in his or her life.
Is my daughter's happiness at risk?
For parents, accepting that their children are growing up is something that is difficult to assimilate. Adults believe that love is a unique and exclusive part of maturity. But we are wrong. Love already begins in adolescence And young people can now form couples, so your daughter's first relationship is a very important issue for you. Even if you were to look back, you would recognise yourself because your parents probably went through the same thing.
From here on, I suppose it will not cost us anything to agree that your daughter's happiness, integrity and health are priceless. Even if what makes her happy, at this moment, is her partner.
Maturity is a degree of experience that helps us see things from a different perspective. When your little girl appears at home for the first time with her partner, your heart skips a beat and thousands of feelings start to run through your head, but above all one: the happiness of your daughter.
Is your daughter's happiness at risk? You won't know until you see how your relationship develops. It is normal to have those fearsBut so that your daughter's happiness is not conditioned, be a support for her, so that she knows that you will always be there when she needs you.
Try a free session
Children's first loves can be a source of suffering for parents, which is why going to online therapy to get the tools necessary to understand that children are growing up can be essential.
Make an appointment
Reasons why the couple is not accepted
- Differences in values and objectivesAs parents, it's natural to want your child to be with someone who shares your values and goals in life. If you see a lack of compatibility in this fundamental area, it's understandable that you may have doubts about your daughter's relationship.
- Concerns about your daughter's well-beingYour primary goal as parents is to ensure that your children are safe and happy. If you perceive that your daughter's partner may pose a threat to her emotional or physical well-being, it is natural that you may be reluctant to accept the relationship.
- Past experiences. Our previous experiences, whether in our own relationships or observations of close relationships, can influence your perception of your daughter's partner. If you have witnessed toxic or hurtful relationships, you may be more cautious about your daughter's new partners.
- Lack of maturity or stabilityAs parents, you want to see your children in healthy, balanced relationships. If you notice that your daughter's partner lacks emotional maturity, financial stability, or responsibility, it's understandable that you might be concerned about the future of the relationship.
- Cultural or religious differences. Sometimes cultural or religious differences can cause tension and difficulties in a relationship. If these differences are very marked and you think they could negatively affect your daughter's relationship, you may be reluctant to accept her partner.
Guidelines for accepting your daughter's partner
- Give it a chanceGet to know him before making any assessments. Always give him the opportunity to prove that he is the guy you had wanted for your girl.
- Show interest what she studies or works, what her expectations are or her tastes. Don't ask her a third-degree interrogation either, that's history. Simply show that communication flows in your family and that what makes your daughter happy also makes you happy.
- Talk to him. And if you don't know where to start, here are a few ideas: ask him what he thinks of your daughter, why he's dating her, how you met, or what your daughter means to him, but always do so calmly. Otherwise, he'll feel overwhelmed and want to run away.
- Offer the same treatment that you would want to receiveIf you look back, you will remember that a few years ago you were sitting in a very similar place to the one your daughter's boyfriend is now sitting in. Do you remember? Did they make you feel bad or good? Try to make your daughter's partner feel the same way, so that both of them feel comfortable, because they will want to spend a lot of time with you.
- Make him trust youIf you are aware of your children's environment, it is easier to advise and help them. Include your daughter's boyfriend in the circle of trust of your children and their friends, because this way everyone will spend a lot of time together and you can be calm.
- Respect their silencesThere will be times when they prefer to be alone and not talk. Even if they are in your house, respect them. Ask your daughter calmly at another time if everything has gone well, but above all, do not interfere.
- Reflect and self-evaluateBefore you approach your daughter with this topic, it is important to stop and reflect on your own emotions and motivations. You should ask yourself whether your concerns are genuine or based on unfounded fears or prejudices.
What if my daughter’s partner is “toxic”?
It's one thing if you don't like your daughter's boyfriend, for no apparent reason, and quite another if you see attitudes that justify your dislike. Within these attitudes we are talking about behaviors, such as your daughter's partner showing controlling, he isolates her from her family and her own friendshas been shown aggressive verbally or because she simply has not answered the phone. Then, there surely your daughter is caught up in the spiral of toxic relationships which, of course, will not make her happy and that is the time, in the most absolute tranquility, to sit down with your daughter to talk and try to get her to «open her eyes.»
Supporting our children in their decisions is instilling confidence in their abilities and giving them the assurance that they will always have our support, even if their choices differ from our expectations.
Begoña Iberdrola
When your daughter is in a loving relationship, she ends idealizing the other personeven if it doesn't suit her, because as they say, love is blind. Don't be surprised if your daughter doesn't see the flaws, which we all have, in her partner. Even if you do see them, she will need her time. Try to let her discover them on her own, but give her a little help, so that she doesn't see you as enemies but as those people who will be there for her no matter what happens.
To try to make your daughter understand that the relationship is not going well, Communication will be key, To do this, make her see that there are things that have changed, making her understand that, for example, she doesn't laugh as much anymore or that she has frequent mood swings. This will make something click in her head and she will start to wonder why she has changed.
Always allow your daughter to express her emotions and, at the appropriate time, Sometimes encouraging her to go to online therapy can be the key. It is also important that if you invite her to go to therapy, the reasons are not direct, such as «you need to go to therapy to break up with your partner.» Make her understand that it can be a solution to find the necessary tools to understand the relationship and how to deal with a toxic relationship.
Guidelines for better communication with your daughter
- Don't turn against him, Always talking badly about her boyfriend. She chose him and, unless it is a toxic relationship, she must make her own mistakes and realize them for herself. If you continue with this behavior, she will distance herself because she will think that you are fighting against her and she will not understand it.
- Listen and show empathyWhen it comes time to discuss your concerns with your daughter, it is crucial to listen carefully and show empathy for her feelings. Communicating your concerns in a respectful and non-judgmental manner can help open an honest and constructive dialogue.
- Create a pleasant atmosphere at home. Let your daughter feel safe and calm, not bombarded with questions. Never turn your home into a war zone, because then your daughter will end up running away to her partner's house.
- Offer support and guidanceInstead of imposing your opinion, you can offer support and guidance to your daughter. Providing her with objective information and helping her reflect on her relationship can be more effective than simply telling her that you do not accept her partner.
- Don't talk when you're upset. Usually, people say things that they end up regretting. If a heated argument starts, change the subject until you calm down. Remember that in the moment of anger, messages can be given that generate frustration and greater discomfort. On many occasions, silence will be your greatest ally.
Instead of becoming obstacles in your child's relationship, you can become trusted allies and provide the necessary support. By doing so, you will show your daughter that you are there, willing to listen and support her, even if you do not fully agree with her choice.
At we have been experts in online therapy since 2012. Throughout our career we have helped more than 2,000 patients overcome various emotional problems. If you are interested in seeking the help of an online psychologist, you can request a free first session by clicking on the button below.
Why choose
- We have been leaders in online psychological care since 2012.
- First informational appointment free.
- Online therapy from 40 euros per session.
- Team of senior psychologists, with decades of experience.
- All the therapy we offer is via videoconference. 100% confidential.
- The same psychologist will attend to you throughout the treatment.
- At you do not lose the money for the sessions. If you cannot connect or are not there, the session is postponed to another day.
- Attention in Spanish, English and Catalan.