Luis, 39, and Miriam, 36, had been married for 14 years. They have had three children and are at the point where, supposedly, personal and professional stability is beginning to be achieved. But not for them… In fact, that bright afternoon each of them was sitting at one end of the sofa in my office and the dialogue with them was a chain of monosyllables…
The marital dissatisfaction This is one of the main reasons why couples come to online couples therapy. This dissatisfaction is motivated by some cause. From the mildest to the most serious: communication problems, sexual problems, infidelity, etc.
How to know if my marriage is damaged
- You make decisions unilaterally. Always keep in mind that a couple is a two-person affair. It may seem obvious, but we must remember that everything that concerns the proper functioning of the couple and the home created must be taken through the decision of both. This implies a relationship of respect, trust and good communicationabsolutely essential elements in a couple.
- You think that what the other party contributes to the family unit is not enough. It's a clear sign that you're starting to sink. In a healthy relationship, both members contribute to the household in terms of chores, money, and without the need to count what the other does so that we don't «go too far» or «fall short.»
- You look like “roommates.” There comes a time in the life cycle of a couple when the passionate love of the beginning calms down and turns into affection and friendship. If the relationship is short-lived and this happens, you quickly need a couples therapy.
- Sexual problems. Sex becomes boring and mechanical, if it exists at all. Many couples who are constantly angry and in an atmosphere of rage and hostility, prefer not to have sex. Very clear evidence: one of the partners may want to have sex but repress it as a “punishment” for the other. Likewise, if sex is preferred over kissing, your relationship is very close to ending. Remember, sex is a very important part, although not essential, of a relationship.
- Infidelities appear. The vast majority of couples are able to forgive – with professional help – an infidelity although it depends on whether this is sexual, emotional or virtualIn general, sexual infidelity is easier to forgive than emotional infidelity. However, if the episodes are repeated, divorce may be the best solution to the pain caused.
- More problems than solutions. As long as a couple is functioning, it is able to find one or more solutions to each of the conflicting situations in life. This stops happening when we have a damaged marriage because personal selfishness becomes more omnipresent and takes on greater importance than the benefit and well-being of the marriage. Therefore, the capacity for compromise between both members of the couple diminishes, and they see each other more as roommates and rivals than as a married couple.
- Dialogue is reduced and becomes unassertive. In an environment where resentment predominates, the type of communication that is established is aggressive-passiveIn other words, you have very little to say to each other, and you say it badly: using few words, a loud and challenging tone of voice, a defiant look, a tense expression, as if each of you were speaking in a different language… Do you feel reflected? Maybe it's not too late yet.
- You are always right! You never admit that you can make mistakes, just like anyone else. You are always in the right. You feel that your reasons must be heard, respected and carried out, just as if you were in a dictatorship-like marriage.
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Things to consider if you want to save your marriage
Reciprocity
It is defined as mutual correspondence and involves responding to an action with a similar one. Normally, it appears as a result of sensitivity to the requests (direct or indirect) of the spouse and the mutual reinforcement of gratifying behaviors. A history of high gratifying exchanges allows a certain amount of interaction to be tolerated better. aversive stimulation.
The “bank account” theory suggests that each partner, from time to time, tends to comparatively evaluate the “investments” made by both partners in order to measure the effort that must be made to balance the scales. If their subjective perception is that they have done more than the other, they will tend not to reward or to demand some compensation, while if they consider that they are “in debt”, they will continue to invest in the relationship.
Equity
Directly related to the assessment that spouses make of their relationship is that of equity, or the perception that they obtain as many benefits from the relationship as the efforts they are making to benefit the relationship.
Most people, when faced with a problem, try to solve it as quickly and effectively as possible, using the individual skills they have learned that have given them the best results in similar situations. When it comes to couples, we must bear in mind that their members:
- They have similar but not identical needs.
- Has different or opposite styles of solving problems.
This causes each spouse to cause a certain level of marital dissatisfaction in the other spouse, which can make it difficult to reach solutions due to:
- Communication problems.
- Lack of empathy.
- Low assertiveness.
We can say that life as a couple is not easy and achieving happiness is possible, but you have to work at it. Without a doubt, if you are unable to communicate effectively and manage your conflicts optimally, do not hesitate to seek the specialized help of a psychologist specializing in couples therapy before it is too late. All couples who manage to overcome their crises, with their help, claim to have a more satisfactory romantic relationship from that moment on.
What can each member do to save the couple?
- Have a more assertive communicationwith clear and direct messages and without victimization.
- Try accept the other party as they are. Don't try to change him because that is one of the main reasons for conflict.
- Respect the spacesRemember that you need a certain amount of space for yourself – which not only fits your work and children, but also your friends and interests – an equal amount of space for the other person and a larger amount of space for life as a couple and with your children.
- Remember that you are not their mother/father. Although some people look for this figure in their partner, the truth is that we all already have a mother. Therefore, your role is that of a partner, friend, confidant, lover, mother or father of her children…
- Listen. You don't need to give advice, just be there, understanding what's happening, empathizing and sharing their emotions.
- Don't assume. Don't assume that saying I love you isn't necessary or that there's no need for details. Words must be demonstrated with actions and done with some frequency.
- Share. From time to your own emotions. Surely that time is necessary, certain attentions, details, conversations about feelings and not about routine, tasks or work.
- Share household chores. Housework is not a matter for the woman and the man “helps.” It is something for both of them.
At we have been experts in online therapy since 2012. Throughout our career we have helped more than 2,000 patients overcome various emotional problems. If you are interested in seeking the help of an online psychologist, you can request a free first session by clicking on the button below.
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- We have been leaders in online psychological care since 2012.
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- Team of senior psychologists, with decades of experience.
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- The same psychologist will attend to you throughout the treatment.
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