For something as common and universal as death, it’s pretty amazing how often most of us struggle. for not knowing what to say to someone when someone dies.
And, as we are going through such a bitter health crisis, which has forced us to say goodbye to our loved ones in such an ungrateful way, it is important that we know what to say, how to act and what to do when offering our «deepest condolences».
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While saying «I’m sorry for your loss» is perhaps the most common way people express their condolences, the truth is that hearing the same phrase too many times becomes meaningless and empty…even bland or meaningless.
When my dear grandmother died, somehow, when they said «I’m sorry for your loss» it was as if they were saying that he had lost track of him; as if he had lost her. As if it was my fault.
When I think about the messages of condolence that I received, what I really appreciated when some of my loved ones and some great friends passed away was hear fun and interesting stories about them from other people who loved them.
I learned that during funerals and commemorations, we often realized how much we didn’t know about the person who had died, even when he was (and is) someone close to us.
Facebook and Instagram became a great way to see photos of my loved ones, especially those that others uploaded and valued deeply. Seeing them was a great source of comfort, as well as seeing the stories that were told on their walls about them.
If you don’t know what to say when someone dies, here are 5 simple guidelines to follow when expressing your condolences:
1. Don’t make assumptions
Don’t assume that you know the quality of the relationship between the person you want to comfort and the person who died.
If you’re having a conversation with the person you want to comfort, you can ask questions that will give them a clue, like «What will you miss most about (person’s name)?»
This helps you avoid accidentally getting into an awkward situationas the person be really happy (or at least, not particularly sad) that her relative is no longer around.
2. Ask for a favorite memory
Generally, most people will be open to you asking what their favorite memory of the person is.
Sometimes they appreciate the opportunity to share something about their last moments with the person or about a recent visit they had.
3. Listen instead of talking
Refrain from telling all your own stories about people who have passed away and about your own grieving process and the moment you are in, unless they ask you to.
The experience of each person is unique and must be honored.
Let them know you are willing to listen when they need to talk.
4. Offer to help with something practical
Ask if there is anything you can do to help with the arrangements and if you should work with someone else instead of overwhelming your friend.
5. Be kind
Be compassionate, kind and helpful.
Important note: a particularly sensitive issue that often comes up when someone dies is the life after death.
If you don’t already know the person’s beliefs, try to find out whether or not it would be comforting to know that your loved one’s soul has gone to a better place.
If you don’t believe in the afterlife, it’s best to focus on simply saying something positive about the person’s life here on earth.
What I have personally found particularly rewarding has been hearing and seeing what others made in honor of those who passed away.
I think what we do here. on behalf of those who departed, has a beneficial effect on the transcendence of those lives that have already departed.
Plant trees and flowers, dedicate books, make charitable donations, help with a worthwhile cause and more, they have been words in action that serve to recognize people who have died.
These acts of kindness they help that the love cultivated here on Earth for the people who have passed remain present and thriving long after they physically left us.