Guy Winch explains how to get over a breakup |

He withdrawal syndrome It appears when a person tries to break the dependency link that your body has developed with respect to a certain substance. This phenomenon, generally associated with drug use, It can cause mood swings, irritability and concentration problems.in addition to the desire to continue consuming what one is trying to quit. Most of These symptoms also appear when trying to get over a breakup and it is a topic that is frequently discussed in therapy by our relationship breakup psychologists.

In 2017, the psychologist Guy Winch He compared in one of his famous TEDx Talks the characteristics of abstinence with those of a breakup: «the loss of romantic love activates the same mechanisms in the brain as those of an addict who is withdrawn from substances such as cocaine or opiates.» However, he also noted the differences: «Addicts know they are addicts, but people who are going through a romantic disappointment don't.».

His talk «How to get over a breakup» It takes twelve minutes to explore all the traps your own body sets for you when you try to get over a failed relationship.

The inability to detect problems in a relationship can translate, during the breakup, into an inability to understand the reasons for which this has ended.

Psychologist Guy Winch He says that «in order to get ahead, it is essential clearly understand why it has ended«. For this same reason it is so necessary to demand explanations when they have not been given to you, as accept the reasons that your partner gives you, no matter how insufficient they may seem.

That is the exact point where many fail, starting to search fanciful explanations that have nothing to do with reality and asking questions that will never get an answer. «A love breakup produces such dramatic emotional painwhich our mind interprets that the cause must be equally dramatic,» explains Guy Winch. However, the obsessive search for motives «more logical» can make you stagnate in the most absolute denialpreventing you from turning the page.

Nobody is perfectThis maxim, notably widespread and accepted by all of society, tends to be diluted when you try to get over an ex, who, during the relationship and after the breakup, may have seemed like the perfect person to you.

«One of the most common trends in a love breakup is idealize to the person who caused it«says this psychologist. The pain caused by the breakup is a parasite which tends to feed on all those good moments that are currently poisoning your emotional stability. But none of that was perfect.

Love is beautiful, but the person you are in love with has flaws and has always had them, even though the veil of affection managed to cover them from time to time. For this reason, it is essential «achieve a balance» between their virtues and their defectsremembering him as a normal person and not as an idealized being.

Life as a couple, true to its name, occupies almost every corner of your life. When you start a relationship, your routines change.your days change and you get used to doing activities that you wouldn't normally do without the other person. This is especially significant if your ex-partner was more sociable than you, and you simply adapted to all those things you did together.

Guy Winch illustrates this through the story of Miguel, a senior manager at a programming company who, after five years of widowhood, was able to find love in a woman called Sharon: “Sharon was very sociable and active. Every week she organised dinners at her house. She and Miguel went camping with other couples. He accompanied her to church every Sunday.”

When she left him, she took his routine with her: «Miguel lost not only his partner; lost all his social life. He recognized that The breakup left that huge void in his lifebut failed to recognize that he left behind much more than just a void.

Do you see yourself reflected in Miguel's figure? In these circumstances it is essential recognize all those gaps that the breakup has left in your life, for to be able to fill them then with a new routine.

Throughout the conference, Guy Winch compares getting over a breakup to a struggle: «It's a battle within one's own mind, and one must have the will to win. But They have weapons. They can fight. And they can recover.

If constantly asking yourself questions keeps you stuck in a relationship that's already over, accept the answers that your ex-partner gives you, no matter how illogical they may seem, is the first step to achieving peace of mind. Acceptance of what has happened is key to well-being: «There is no explanation for the breakup that satisfies us. There is no logic that can suppress the pain we feel. So let us not look for an explanation, let us not expect one, let us simply accept the one we are given or make up another and let's leave the questions asidebecause we need that closure to resist addiction.»

Guy Winch insists that logic and instinct can be two stumbling blocks on the road to self-improvement: “The very instincts we always trust are the ones that lead us down the wrong path again and again.”

Hope is the last thing to be lost, but it's not always going to be good for you. It's true that there are couples who get back together after breaking up, but clinging to that possibility will keep you from moving forward: «We must be willing to let go, to accept that it is over.Otherwise, we will feed our minds hope and backslide. Hope can be incredibly destructive when we are going through a breakup.

And, for this, it is necessary stop seeking refuge in memories. Dwelling on the good times will only deepen the damage and complicate the withdrawal you experience as a result of the breakup.

The idealization It is one of the worst obstacles we can face when trying to overcome a breakup, but against the weapons of the subconscious, we can raise our own weapons.

For Guy Winch the key to getting rid of idealization is achieve balance «remembering his frown, not just his smile, how bad he made us feel.» To make the task easier, Winch suggests that his patients make a list on their phone of the defects, the manias and the bad moments who suffered alongside their ex-partners: «As soon as the slightest reason to idealize the other person appears, or at the slightest hint of nostalgia during a session, I tell them: phone, please.»

Like Winch, there are thousands of psychologists who can help you get over a breakup. If you feel like you can't get over it on your own, Online psychological therapy can give you the tools you need to turn the page. Try a free session at and discover how our team of online psychologists can help you rebuild your life.

The change of routine can leave a multitude of gaps in your life that need to be filled. «To overcome a sentimental disappointment, It is necessary to identify these gaps in life and fill them.but fill them all: the gaps in identity, the gaps in social life, the lost activities, even the empty spaces on the wall where the photographs were.

The last thing you need in the face of a painful breakup is a lots of free time that you can dedicate to remembering everything that you no longer have. For this reason, it is necessary find new activities that replace the ones you did as a couple and that can help you feel complete again.

Guy Winch expresses this need to fill gaps as an opportunity to “redefining who we are and what we want from our lives”. After the end of a relationship, you will be presented with a new beginning that, thanks to the right doses of reflection and self-questioning, can put you on paths that will lead you towards new goals, or towards those old goals that you always wanted to achieve.

Often, the pain caused by a breakup can be similar to that experienced after a relationship. loss of a loved one. In both cases, the sufferer goes through a grieving process consisting of six phases differentiated.

In this process you may suffer from some of the following: symptoms of depressionso it is important to be aware of the magnitude of the pain and not to minimize it. Your pain is important and only you know to what extent you are suffering. Understanding that pain is essential when it comes to healing it.

Sometimes when someone you love is having a hard time getting over a breakup, you may experience pain and helplessness. Although it is not in your hands to get through this situation as best as possible, Guy Winch also has some advice for you: «If you know someone who is going through a breakup, Have compassion for him, because social support is essential for recovery.«.

The road that begins after a breakup is long and steepthat is why it is key that those who suffer from it are surrounded by people who accompany them in the process, who can distract them and, if necessary, who can help them remember what to do and what not to do to achieve recovery.

Winch insists: «Please be patient, it will take longer to process it…