The embarrassment It is a curious feeling that occurs when we perceive that another person is making a fool of themselves. The Royal Spanish Academy defines shame as a «disturbance of the spirit caused by the awareness of some fault committed, or by some dishonorable and humiliating action.»
But when we talk about shame, it is not our own actions that torture us. It is the certainty that Someone else is being exposed the one that makes us feel bad. And yet, the sensation is so vivid that, at times, it can even provoke physiological reactions, such as the tearfulness so typical of ridicule.
It is a feeling that is present in our daily lives, even more than we would like. However, it is difficult to understand why we feel shame so intensely, which sometimes does not even affect the person who is causing our embarrassment.
What is the cause of second-hand embarrassment?
Many people claim that embarrassment, far from being a universal feeling, is cultural. In fact, in many languages there is not even a term capable of defining this strange sensation.
But we can go further and say that it is a completely personal feeling. However, in the case of embarrassment of others, a feeling comes into play that is common to all human beings: empathy.
A study conducted by the University of Marburg in Germany investigated the intricacies of this feeling. According to the authors, “shame is a reaction to a violation of social etiquette that endangers our public image.”
On the other hand, when others provoke the feeling of shame, it arises «even without any connection between the observer and the protagonist and without the observer having any responsibility for the protagonist's behavior.»
Furthermore, the researchers found that this feeling was related to empathy. So much so that both activate the same areas of the brain.
Each person experiences this type of shame differently and personally.
Moreover, experts consider that the number of situations that make a person feel embarrassed vary based on their beliefs and experiences.
If you are an extremely modest person, always keeping up appearances for fear of making a fool of yourself, chances are there are many situations in which you would hypothetically feel embarrassed.
So when other people put themselves in a position that would make you feel uncomfortable, you experience that wave of rejection. imagine how you would feel in their situation. And the narrower the range of experiences that make you feel safe, the more you will experience this unpleasant feeling.
On the other hand, for a carefree person who is less inclined to analyze what is socially accepted and what is not, what others do will rarely make him feel uncomfortable if it does not concern him personally.
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The relationship between embarrassment and self-esteem
It is common that, behind the embarrassment of others, there is a crude attempt to Protect our self-esteem. We unconsciously come to the conclusion that if we identify situations in which others make fools of themselves, we can avoid them for ourselves.
After all, second-hand embarrassment is not much different from actual embarrassment.
People who tend to feel ashamed of themselves find it difficult to feel that they are enough. The fear that others will perceive them as they perceive themselves leads them to take excessive care of one's actionsin order to avoid making a fool of themselves and take care of their external image.
Shame is simply a response to what we have learned throughout our lives. As we move through society, we discover that there are certain things that are acceptable and certain things that are not.
In this way, to avoid being judged, we develop this feeling, which makes us feel uncomfortable when we perceive that our image is in danger.
But Excessive shame, whether from others or oneself, can be debilitating. and dangerous. In fact, it may be a sign that our self-esteem is damaged to unsuspected limits.
A person with good self-esteem does not let what others think affect them, because they are perfectly aware of their qualities and their defects and know that the latter do not define them. Going to online therapy can help you heal your self-esteem and thus prevent the shame of others from taking over your daily life.
Tricks to overcome discomfort
- Understand that your point of view is not the only one. Shame is a personal feeling that each person experiences in his or her own way. The things that make you uncomfortable are not the same as those that make others uncomfortable. However, it is the fear of being judged by others that causes shame. Therefore, when you feel shame in others, try to find out what the perception of those around you is. This way you will see that the same situation can be interpreted in a thousand different ways and that it is absurd to assume what others will think.
- Take life with humor. The ridiculous situations that haunt us and haunt us throughout the years live for a limited time in the minds of others. No one remembers that time you fell down the stairs at school anymore. That's why we encourage you to take life less seriously and give each situation the value it deserves. No one is going to change their image of you because you're wearing a wrinkled shirt.
- Do what you are ashamed of. Pushing your own boundaries will allow you to try experiences that you might enjoy if you weren't afraid. Do it and you'll find that few people care about what you do as much as you think.
At we have been experts in online therapy since 2012. Our team of online psychologists can help you overcome feelings of shame and heal your self-esteem from the safety of your home.
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