Romantic movies – those of a boy leaving a girl at the altar or vice versa – reflect some of the doubts of many couples. That idea that is floating around in the head of whether or not we are making the most appropriate decision sometimes surpasses the scenes of fiction. These doubts are usually typical of Nerves in a situation that we do not control and we cannot get ahead of it because we do not know our own life path.
However, when one of the two members – or sometimes both – of the couple sits on my sofa psychology consultationpart of that journey has already been made and their doubts can often be much more serious than not knowing what the future holds.
Photo: Lifeofpix
Is it normal to have doubts about your partner?
Yes! Why not? Think that doubt is inherent to any type of relationship. If we do not face it but instead avoid it, run away from it, the only thing we achieve is to delay the moment when we must find a solution to its cause.
In fact, as a psychologist, I never tire of repeating during couples therapy that there is nothing that a good, calm conversation cannot try to solve. A conversation that takes its time, without a clock, without rushing, that allows your partner to know what you think and that allows you to know how he/she is. And, from there, to know if you can adapt to the new situation or if the situation really cannot be fixed.
It's time for you to listen carefully and actively. all the worries, doubts and complaints of your partner.
There are various studies that indicate that coinciding beliefs and values is a very important point in favor of the continuity of the couple. Despite this, you should not end your relationship because your partnerfor some reason of little importance, disappointed you or did not meet your expectations. Possibly the opposite has also occurred.
If your communication is effective – especially when dealing with complicated, difficult or painful subjects – and you feel safe, satisfied with the quality of the relationship, you have a good time,… having doubts is part of the dynamics of the couple and, therefore, you should not think about throwing away a relationship that is probably working.
To do when there are serious doubts within the relationship?
This would be a summary of doubts that could endanger the relationship if they are not addressed in time:
- InfidelityThere are two types of infidelity: sexual and emotional. What is more serious, when you have doubts about whether your partner is being unfaithful, is that it means that you are losing trust in him/her, you consider him/her dishonest with your relationship and, therefore, it is a lack of respect for each other. If you do not see any kind of rapprochement, constant disappointments will occur that will lead to problems in communication and it is very possible that all of this will end your relationship.
- Emotional abuseNever allow your partner to invalidate you, disqualify you, or make you feel insignificant.
- Never tolerate Your partner threatens, controls or disrespects you either directly – by humiliating you and lowering your self-esteem – or indirectly – by insistently asking you something that you have already answered and that you do not want to talk about anymore – or when he does not allow you to be free in your decision of not wanting to have sexual relations.
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Doubts common in relationships, what are they?
- Attraction to another. Sometimes, you may be out with your group of friends and one day the thought “how great it would be for me to…” may cross your mind, as you look at someone at the other end of the table. Is it a fantasy? Then you can rest easy. If you are a long-term couple, you will realize that at some point you will have these thoughts. But thinking is one thing and putting them into action is quite another. If you do the latter, that is when a relationship problem can arise.
- Unsatisfactory sexual relations. It is important to know that a very important factor in the satisfaction of the couple is that each member meets the expectations of the other. To do this, it is necessary to know the preferences and the frequency with which they would like to maintain relations. In any case, remember that it is the responsibility of both of you to communicate your desires, preferences and needs, always with a kind, warm voice, without judging, but speaking from “I want”, “I prefer”, “I think”. You must remember that if you do not function in bed, all the other areas of your functioning will suffer. Sex is also a form of interpersonal language.
- I don't get along with his family. Various studies show that having positive feelings towards your in-laws leads to a stronger bond – in the long term – with your partner. To do this, your in-laws will need to be welcoming and warm towards you. It is important for your partner to defend you if you are over-criticized or if you feel mistreated by a member of your in-laws. In any case, your partner's role is to reduce your discomfort and prevent conflict from arising.
- I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. As I said at the beginning, this doubt is among the very frequent ones. It is based on recurring negative thoughts such as, am I settling for someone below my expectations? And it is closely linked to fear of commitmentespecially if we are about to take a serious step like getting married, moving in together or having a child together. Above all, the main advice is “don’t compare yourself”. Remember that each couple is a world and the external image that they may be emitting is a perception of yours that does not have to conform to reality. In any case, if you see that this feeling of fear persists, talk openly with your partner but never settle, the solution is surely simpler than you think and it is also something that you can work on in couples therapy to reduce uncertainty and take steps with confidence.
- I don't know if I'm still in love. It is important to remember that the infatuation phase is more fleeting than we remember. However, this is the first phase of the relationship, in which there is a high physiological activation with intense sexual passion. It is the phase that we remember as “butterflies in the stomach” or “why doesn’t he call me?” This phase must necessarily be short, otherwise we would be exhausted.
Scene from the movie 500 days of summer
We go through different phases during which the relationship progresses from love to affection and it is at this moment that you must weigh up all those things that have brought you to the point where you are with your partner. First, take a piece of paper, make two columns and in one put the things in favor and, in the other, the things against continuing with the relationship. Then, write a sincere letter with all those things you would like to say to your partner and, finally, with what you have concluded from this, have a calm, warm and long conversation with your partner to make a decision that is fair for both of you.
- I can't forget my ex-partner. Then it is better for you not to have a partner yet, but to focus on rebuilding yourself. Let yourself be helped by an online psychologist, go to therapy. It will help you to overcome the situation and you will be able to focus on your well-being. When you have finished this process, it will be time to start or resume a new relationship. Obviously, you will be asked to stop having contact with your ex-partner if you are still in love and really want to rebuild your life. In fact, it would be better for you to delete their contact because, by losing their phone number, there will be no possibility of contact.
- I think we are incompatible. If this makes you dissatisfied, if you don't understand each other, if you don't move forward… If you think that, deep down, you don't share anything with this person, it's time to consider couples therapy. Although your journey as a couple may not be able to continue any longer. Maybe we are facing the end of the relationship.
- I think we're stuck. You notice that your relationship is “on hold” and you start to feel overwhelmed. You have even thought about leaving the relationship at some point. Then the fear of being alone appears and you continue with the relationship.
All of this It gets worse if you are financially dependent on the other person.. Never stay in a relationship out of fear of being alone. Sometimes, this is better than staying with someone who – in the medium or long term – will make you deeply unhappy.
Never stay in a relationship because you are financially dependent on the other person. You will surely only have enough strength to move forward and create a new life. Never stay in a relationship for fear of appearing to others as “the bachelor.” Learn to love yourself so that you can love another person more and better.
These are some of the most common questions that arise in a relationship, but they are not the only ones. In fact, there are many more: Do I want to be with the other person? Do I want to continue with my partner? Am I ready for this commitment?
“To love is to find in another's happiness, your own happiness”
Gottfried Leibniz
We must think that it is logical that, at certain times in the relationship, especially As you become more committed, doubts increase. This should not be a cause for alarm as it does not necessarily indicate a crisis but rather an opportunity to strengthen the relationship itself.
You should not let your guard down, as it is true that doubts can reflect a crisis that will make it necessary to seek couples therapy to prevent a breakup.
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