Carolina, 34, has been waiting three days to be discharged from the hospital after what seemed to be a simple gynecological procedure. She and Marc, 36, are eager to return home because, before what they consider to be nothing more than a «stumble,» They are looking for their first baby. A few minutes later, her doctor arrives with a serious face, although trying to relax the atmosphere, but the news falls like a bucket of cold water. The intervention has revealed that Carolina will not be able to have children.
Marc's face turns pale and he leaves the room, leaving behind a woman who only thinks that this is a nightmare. Two hours later, Carolina and Marc leave the hospital in silence, a silence that will last until she sits on the couch in the consulting room, a month later.
Why me?
This is the first question that the couple, and more specifically the woman, asks herself. She is going through a very difficult time, especially if she has been trying to be a mother for a long time or if, as in the case of Carolina, she was looking to be a mother when the diagnosis arrives. The feelings of guilt for having delayed it, for having put her professional career before the decision to become a mother, because things were not going well financially, because the couple was not consolidated… and after having blamed ourselves for everything that has nothing to do with the reason why we cannot have children, comes the guilt for leaving our partner without the possibility of being a father. Later, the emotional stress, anxiety and depression which feed back so that the more stress, the more anxiety and the greater the depression. All of this produces a low self-esteem which ends up affecting both members of the couple.
What emotional disturbances occur?
- Guilt or blaming. Feeling guilty or blaming your partner for not being able to have children is one of the most common symptoms.
- Anxiety. Produced by feelings of guilt or even by doubts about the effectiveness of the treatment.
- Depression. As I have already said, it feeds back into anxiety, but it is true that the concatenation of both external and internal factors induces the disorder.
- Social and personal isolation. They have difficulty sharing their feelings with their closest environment and show intense discomfort in social gatherings where someone reveals the news of their pregnancy.
- Decreased sexual desire. It leads to avoiding and decreasing the frequency of sexual relations with one's partner, causing the couple to break up or, alternatively, to emerge stronger from this process. Couples therapy is often required.
- Apathy: Low interest in both daily life activities and those of a pleasant nature leads to significant interference of recurrent negative thoughts in the ability to work, study and socialize, producing changes in appetite and sleep, with a feeling of weakness and fatigue.
- Duel. Grief does not only occur due to the physical disappearance of a person we love. In this case, grief is due to the loss and the unfulfilled desire to be a mother. It causes frustration, anger, an even greater desire to be one, sadness and feelings of guilt both towards oneself and projected – as a defense mechanism – towards everyone around them, be it the partner, the family or even the doctors and all of them, for not having realized when she, in this case Carolina, believed that something could be done.
Do I need psychological care for an infertility problem?
He Diagnosis of an infertility problem It represents a real life crisisnot only in the woman who receives it, but also in her partner.
It also triggers a real state of emotional shock where emotions happen quickly, without even giving you time to get out of it. psychological block generateduntil reaching the duel. Let us remember that The last stage of grief is called acceptance.: so simple and so complicated, at the same time.
It won't be easy to accept that children will never come to their bed to wake them up on Christmas Day, with excited eyes, or that they will never attend a school play starring their children or that they will never all get into a bed so as not to be afraid of storms or monsters.
No, it won't be easy. But it will be a little easier if you have the support. professional help from an online psychologist. In any case, accepting the diagnosis is the first step to overcome the whole process. You know that it is a reality that is difficult to accept, even if you were not very sure about having children.
You must know that acceptance is going to be a hard process, with a lot of crying, with a mixture of emotions, but that when you leave therapy, you will no longer be – you will not be – the same people you entered. In this acceptance you assume that you may not have children but that this does not make you less of a woman – this is an idea often repeated by patients – but that you will be just as complete and happy, it is simply a matter of changing the focus; it seems simple but the reality is that it is not. But it is worth it.
In fact, the Psychology Interest Group of the Spanish Fertility Society (SEF) shows that There is a relationship between psychological factors and fertility. For this reason, they consider it essential that the following be included, from the outset, psychological help In the case of comprehensive care for couples with infertility problemsAnd, in fact, several centers dedicated to assisted reproduction already include it.
What resilience can do for you
Have you ever said “I can’t take it anymore”? But, despite repeating it to yourself, almost like a mantra, I am convinced that you have been able to do it. The same thing happens when you repeat to yourself “why me?” It is very important for you to realize that you are in the middle of a storm – soaked, the umbrella has broken, with a wind that almost prevents you from moving forward – However, the storm will end and, with the calm of a sunny day, you will be able to see that we all have a tremendous, extraordinary capacity to adapt and overcome… you, too. It is called resilience.
It is something intrinsic to humans, which allows us to overcome both emotional pain as well as adverse situations, allowing us to learn from them. However, it is not present in the same way in all people's moments. That is why you need help from a psychologist to make you a resilient person. In other words, each of us experiences and feels things in a different way and, therefore, faced with the same fact, there are various subjective perceptions, as many as there are individual realities.
“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you survived. You won’t even be sure if the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of that storm, you won’t be the same person who went into it. That’s what the storm is all about.” H. Murakami.
In our reality, our emotions and feelings are feelings and you should think that you have the right to be sad, because it is your reality at this moment. Therefore, professional help will give you the necessary tools, in an objective way, so that you can overcome it and adapt to your own reality, going through all your grief with yourself until you reach acceptance.
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Guidelines for coping with infertility depression
- Get informed. Focus on your problem and look for information about the types of treatment you can undergo, depending on your medical diagnosis and the effectiveness of each one. There are several that are successfully performed, such as: artificial insemination, IVF, egg donation and sperm microinjection.
- Adopt. If you want to be a mother and the above methods fail, remember that a mother is the one who cares, not just the one who gives birth, and adoption is a great way to give a family to those who do not have one.
- Pleasant activities: Try to distract yourself so you don't think about the same thing all the time by doing activities that you like, alone or with someone.
- Positive attitude: Face the problem as something to overcome, but not as something that will bring you down, nor as a threat.
- Keep communicating with your partner. It is essential that you do not neglect each other, share your emotions and foster the best communication. It will lead you to resolve problems and conflicts in an appropriate manner.
- Social pressure. You must decide who you will tell and who you will not tell to avoid peer pressure, especially if everyone is having children. It is essential to tell only those who can understand and respect you.
- Don't isolate yourself. It is very important that you avoid social isolation and that you plan, as a couple, enjoyable activities.
- Wait before you decide: Be careful and don't decide anything if you are angry or sad, you could make a mistake. Identify all your emotions properly as a first step and, without rushing, you will decide.
- It is not the center of your life: When making any decision, try not to make any possible motherhood or non-motherhood the centre of your life. Besides, you have many more facets: professional, partner, family, social… change the focus.
- Return to your daily activities. The sooner the better. Enjoy every moment and live each day “normally.”
- Ask your doctor or psychologist. If you have doubts, questions, or need accurate information, it is best to ask the professionals who care for you.
- Don't anticipate. The past is gone, the future has not yet arrived and you only have to live in the here and now. If you anticipate, you waste time in your life in the here and now, for a future that you do not know and you will only succeed in creating anxiety.
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