Consequences and solutions of the absent mother syndrome and orchid children – Online Psychologists

Raul, 63, goes to psychology consultation after the multiple requests of his wife and children. His life has been marked by the absence in his early childhood, and in a way incomprehensible to him, of his mother who voluntarily decided to leave his side. Later, also due to family pressure, he made several attempts to get closer, in all of which she was cold, distant and practically inaccessible. Raúl does not know it yet but he suffers from the absent mother syndrome.

The son has a perception that his mother is cold, distant, inaccessible, with a negative attitude or, simply, that she is not present in the key moments of his childhood. Either because she prioritizes her professional career over her son, or because of custody issues or emotional abandonment, the most serious of which has long-term consequences.

Having such a negative view of what should be one of the fundamental pillars of the construction of the personality, development and education of the child, causes him to be left without the fundamental reference point in his life. We can understand that everything in his life is shaken.

In a special case, we call absent mother syndrome When the mother is not absent but is present but is unable to satisfy the needs emotional needs of the child. Despite this, his form of upbringing It is also not correct because it is not sensitive to the needs of the child, either because it does not realize them or because it does not know how to deal with them.

This cannot be due only to mothers, but there are highly sensitive children – called “orchid children” – who are very susceptible to the mother's parenting style and, therefore, are very emotionally demandingwhich makes it very difficult to satisfy all their needs.

We must bear in mind that, in the absence of the fundamental pillar, the child will have no one to look after. learning basic emotionswill not be able to learn to show unconditional love towards another person and will have the low self-esteem because he will be able to show love to himself.

Whatever the reason for the mother's absence, the truth is that this absence is experienced with pain by the child. We can repeat endlessly that «children are small but they understand everything» and this implies a deep emotional footprint which leaves consequences in the short, medium and long term. Some of these will be difficult to deal with and will require psychological treatment. At you can get a first opinion from an online psychologist in a free video call session.

These consequences include:

If the mother reappears in the child's life, she may cause all these feelings to be self-limiting. If not, they may become disorders of a certain importance and must be treated by a psychologist specialist. If this does not happen, the whole problem could last until adulthood when the help of a specialist would be needed. psychologist to help rework the grief of absence. It is important to remember that grief does not only occur when someone dies, but also when we emotionally lose someone very dear to us. Along with all the previous feelings, and especially the one that causes the most pain is that of “feeling abandoned.”

The relationship between a mother (and a father, too) and her child is bidirectional. In the sense that there must be a delicate balance between giving and receiving, which, obviously, due to the child's age, is not easy to maintain. Simply because parents often believe that they are already «affectionate enough» with their child, for example, while the child perceives the opposite. And who is right?

If the relationship is healthy, surely, a “little” both of them. Only that For the child it is never “enough” And, for many parents, “it's more than we receive”, “we work a lot, when we get home he's already in bed”… Could an agreement be reached? Of course! But you have to want it and, especially, you have to keep in mind that, despite the pace of life, work, little time and childhood itself, you have to try to be emotionally close to your childbecause it will not always be the same age.

And soon she will meet a teenager close to adulthood, with whom she has almost nothing to say, that is, she will surely have a good time for herself every day, right?

On the other hand, if we have a child who suffers from the absent mother syndromewill feel rejected. In addition, he does not have sufficient cognitive resources to use his reflective thinking about the issue and therefore must be based on your experience, emotions and feelings.

From here on, you will feel rejected, disappointed, angry, alone and unable to form a secure attachment since it is generated, first of all, with the mother herself. As a result of this situation we will find two main types of children:

Orchid children are hypersensitive children who overreact to certain stimuli, such as loud sounds, changes in diet or mood swings in the people around them. Various researchers from the University of California have stated that these are children who “wither” when faced with a difficult childhood but “bloom” when faced with a happy childhood, similar to the orchid that withers when faced with a negative environment and blooms when faced with a positive environment.

This is the theory of the biological sensitivity to contextaccording to which the character with which children are born already determines how they will respond to different situations. According to this theory, these children are especially vulnerable to situations of stress This was confirmed by a study by the University of Utrecht. They studied the parenting style of parents and the development of their children and came to the conclusion that education and environment are very important determinants of the child's behaviour. There are situations in which the mother is present but is unable to cope with the emotional demands of her child and for him it is as if she were absent.

On the other hand, geneticists at the University of Virginia conducted a study of 400 people between 0-17 years old, with an alteration of the CHRM2 gene, related to alcohol dependence, substance abuse and conflictive behavior. The study showed that if they were raised in a home with a neglectful and emotionally distant educational style, they ended up becoming problematic young people, while those who received a more positive education were young people who achieved their goals and objectives. Therefore, despite the genetics or character of the child or the educational style of the parents, education is the key point.

Possibly the most difficult job in the world is being a mother; there is no instruction manual, you have no trial period and you cannot leave for a better one. Perhaps the worst thing for a mother is making mistakes, but we all make mistakes – there is no manual for that either – so you learn along the way, with some improvisation… However, it is not part of the plan to give up, as many absent mothers do.

To avoid absence, both mothers – and fathers, because all this is valid for fathers, too – when you are with your children, let your body, your mind and your soul do it, you cannot be playing with your child while thinking “tomorrow at work…”, “I should remember to call…”, “let’s see if I keep him entertained and I can escape to send the emails…” because, in reality, you fall into the syndrome; your children are only small but they understand everything.

From here, follow some simple guidelines: