We often know – or you have probably heard of – children who have thrown tantrums in the street because their parents refused to buy them a certain treat, or others, perhaps younger, who have thrown tantrums in the middle of a shopping centre – to continue with the same example – and who have ended up throwing loud tantrums because they did not want to continue walking.
However, we think that anger attacks are more common in adults. But can they occur in children? And, more importantly, what is the difference between tantrums, fits of rage, and anger attacks?
What is rage, anger or rage?
It is an emotion that we feel when we realize that our territory or rights have been invaded. In fact, feeling anger is normal. Its function is to defend ourselves and manage situations that we consider unfair. Therefore, we would inhibit ourselves from responding to them if we could not feel such anger.
However, even more important than the emotion is the associated behavior, which can be verbal or even physical aggression. Therefore, it is important to set limits and carry out good emotional management to help resolve conflicts in an appropriate and healthy way.
The manifestations of anger depend on the age and level of development. Physical aggressive impulses begin to be repressed in early childhood, while at the preschool level basic emotions begin to be identified, expressing anger verbally or physically.
To manage anger, it is important to know the characteristics of the child, his environment and the characteristics of the parents regarding their own character and their way of reacting to anger.
Anger responses in children
The answers are of three types:
- Bodily: If faced with an uncomfortable, unexpected or frustrating situation, children become defensive. Although not all children react in the same way, most do so through physiological signals that depend on the child's temperament, previous experiences in a similar situation…
- Cognitive: Situations that give rise to feelings of “this is unfair” or “this is unjust” do not in themselves provide emotional value, but rather the subjective assessment that the child makes of the situation. This depends on their role models – parents, teachers, other adults – as well as on the interpretation they make of their own world. For this reason, it is very important to provide good emotional education from early childhood, by modelling or by giving examples.
- Behavioral: A behavior occurs in response to a situation or obstacle that we want to avoid and that does not help us achieve our goal.
What is the difference between a tantrum and a rage attack?
- Tantrum or fit. It is an emotional outburst that a child displays when he or she wants or needs something or, on the contrary, does not want or does not need something. Although they are common in preschool and primary school children, as language develops and they are able to express their emotions, they decrease in frequency and intensity.
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In any case, older children who are somewhat impulsive and have difficulties managing emotions may continue to suffer from this. In any case, this is a behaviour that your child can control, as it is common for children, in the middle of a tantrum in the middle of a shopping centre, for example, to stop to see if their parents are paying attention to them. Therefore, if this is the case and they end up getting what they want (for example, being the centre of attention over their hands), their behaviour will stop and, if not, they will continue crying or, in some cases, even becoming physically or verbally aggressive.
- Anger crisis. It only happens when your child feels overwhelmed by a situation of high emotional «overload» whose triggers can be stimuli of any kind that make his system «collapse» due to the excessive processing of sensory information. This can happen either due to the chaos in a park, or after explaining a conflictive situation on numerous occasions, or having too many things to think about in a classroom.
In any case, all of this produces a «fight or flight» reaction that can be screaming, crying, isolation, aggression or running away, which is not controllable by the child.
Guidelines for dealing with an anger crisis
- Understand both the causes of what is happening to him and his own behaviour. Bear in mind that, under certain conditions, it can be a normal response with a defensive function against others, but also against the possibility of harming himself. But it is not directed at you. It is not because you have done something wrong. Therefore, it is very important that you know how to separate your child from this emotional reaction.
- BreatheYes, I know you think you can't, that you've already told yourself this – and have been told this – a million times, but it's a quick way to find your own calm, distance yourself, gain perspective and see that neither you nor your child are your emotional relationships.
- Calm down. Yes, I also know that you think you can't and that you have told yourself this – and you have been told this – a million times, but this will be your best defense mechanism if you don't want to «explode» yourself. At the same time, try to get your child to move away from the situation or obstacle that caused the crisis to prevent him from hurting himself or others and to calm him down.
- Don't ignore it or give in. Ignoring has proven to be an invalid strategy and you should not give in if you do not want this situation to continue for a long time. Therefore, you should wait for the child to calm down before giving him the necessary reasoning and explaining the consequences of not controlling his anger, speaking to him in a clear and firm manner, but without criticism or threats.
- The child must understand and express the cause of his anger. Once he is calm, tell him that the best way to get what he wants or doesn't want is by using language as a vehicle for expressing his feelings. Empathize with him. Understand him and don't punish him or scold him in a public place, much less at home. Then, tell him that he must acknowledge his feelings, using language and not anger to express what he feels.
- Acknowledge how you feel. Children must learn to identify their emotions and the responses associated with them, as well as possible physical manifestations. All of this must be expressed through words and not anger.
- Gain empathy. This will happen as your child grows, as he or she acquires the language skills necessary to express his or her feelings – orally, but not aggressively – and develops the empathy necessary to assess the consequences of his or her words and behavior both on himself or herself and on others.
- He needs you so that you can teach him the proper way to manage that energy that explodes in the form of anger attacks when faced with an obstacle or situation that he wants to avoid. If you don't do this, it will be difficult for him to solve any problem based on emotional management. In fact, you have to think that most children who end up with anger attacks have not had an adequate learning process in emotional management.
- Prevention. You must teach him what to do to prevent and manage his feelings of anger. How to express them through words and without using aggression, starting from respect for himself and others and teaching him to find solutions to any problem by offering alternatives that will allow him to feel that he has «control» of the situation when, in reality, this control is exercised by you when choosing the options.
- Seek professional help If the crises are frequent or very intense, the child will be taught self-control techniques and coping strategies, among others.
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