Virginia comes to the consultation with a severe anxiety; a very demanding job, a complicated family situation, a health problem and she has ended up “exploding”, she says. However, Virginia is not aware that she is herself, she is her high expectations and their own self-demands to get them, the ones that self-boycott.
Virginia also doesn't know that she has a anankastic personality disorderThat is to say, he is such a perfectionist that it has led to anxiety. Or has it been the other way around? Let's see.
The profile of the perfectionist
First and foremost, perfectionism is Virginia’s – or anyone else’s – belief that everything they do must be perfect.
Sure! And is it possible? No. But the problem is that The perfectionist believes the oppositesince it is immersed in a continuous cycle in which there are fear of both failure and error.
What's more, goals are postponed or left undone for this very reason. We call this perfectionist paradoxFor example, Virginia has both fear of making mistakes that ends up preferring that others do certain things. And it has so much fear of failure who ends up not trying projects that would bring her closer to her goals, and yet she continues to work tirelessly. Strange but true.
Over time, this will end up producing in Virginia feelings of guilt – the famous “shoulds”, a cognitive distortion; “I should have done this”, “I shouldn't have done that” – and this leads to a harsh self-criticism – “you are useless”, “you are not capable”, “you cannot”, which ends up affecting the self-esteem.
And all of this is precisely what will cause anxiety and, sometimes, even depression, which will further decrease self-esteem, increase the fear of failure or making mistakes, increase feelings of guilt and we start again.
If Virginia also had obsessive-compulsive disorder, her need for control would make her try to control the whole circle, without success, which would further intensify the symptoms. In any case, not all people with OCD are perfectionists, nor do all perfectionists have OCD, although there is usually a correlation between the two.
What can cause a person to be a perfectionist?
There could be several reasons, including:
- People who have had insecure attachment with their parents because they will not consider a result good if it is not perfect.
- He overpraise in childhood because self-esteem will only depend on having it and, therefore, as an adult, one is subjected to excessive pressure.
- Repeated humiliations in childhood so that the adult will think that in order not to be humiliated, one must be perfect.
- Parenting style with authoritarian parentsFor example, Gabriel has a daughter who, when she comes home with grades lower than 9, is harshly reprimanded “because she could have done much better” (even though her grade is an 8.5). When the girl is a teenager, she will believe that the only way to gain approval at home is to be perfect.
- Have perfectionist parents Because then children consider that “being a perfectionist is logical.”
- Have a low self-esteem since perfection is sought as a form of compensation for discomfort and insecurity.
- Low tolerance to frustrationThe person tries to compensate for the discomfort by being “the best.”
- Low tolerance for failure or error which, as I said before, is a key point in the perfectionist's vicious circle.
- Living in this competitive society where to achieve the same as others or even the same thing that we think others have, through social networks, you only have to be “the best” and many people believe that this is achieved through perfection.
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What are the consequences of being a perfectionist?
Interestingly, many of those we have named as causes are also consequences:
- Low self-esteem. Even if Virginia achieves some excellent achievement, she will not feel satisfied because she will be thinking about the next achievement or about how much more she still has to achieve. This makes her success have an aftertaste of failure.
- Feelings of guiltIf Virginia is not satisfied, feelings of guilt begin and this only increases low self-esteem.
- Depression. Since Virginia will never achieve perfection – mainly because it does not exist – in the end anxiety will lead to discouragement, which will lead to sadness, and she may end up suffering from depression.
- OCD. There is a correlation between OCD and perfectionism, although not always. But it is true that perfectionists are very obsessive.
- Work addictionPerfectionists, like Virginia, are highly motivated for their work, even excessively so, that they become obsessive, as with almost everything, and end up being workaholics. On the other hand, since they are excessively rigid and carry out another cognitive distortion called polarization, they tend to go to extremes, even in their work schedule.
- Decreased productivity. However, working all day long does not necessarily generate high levels of productivity, but rather the opposite, and sometimes the obsession with perfection ends up not being synonymous with efficiency.
- Binge Eating DisorderOne of the most important consequences is this TCA since Virginia has the need to “escape” from a frustrating reality in which she does not achieve – or believes she does not achieve – her objectives.
Guidelines to not be so perfectionist
- Improve internal dialoguewhich is usually very negative. There is a very simple exercise; write down all the negative things that are coming to your mind, now for each of your negative thoughts, try to write down two thoughts seen from another perspective. Let's take an example, Virginia would say to herself «I don't do anything right» one way of looking at it would be «I did X and it turned out well», «I did Y and it had better results than I expected».
- Work on self-esteemyou may need professional help for this. Try a free online therapy session at and discover how we can help you in your case.
- Relax anxiety with Mindfulness; There are hundreds of very simple exercises to do that will also help you focus on the here and now. The breathing and relaxation techniques that your psychologist can teach you will also be useful.
- Define concrete, realistic, specific goalsboth short term (3 months) and medium term (6 months) and long term (more than a year). For each of them, define your objectives. It is not worth saying “I want to be happy” but rather “I want to be happy in 8 months doing X in company Y”.
- Don't compare yourself. Each person has his or her own pace and there are individual differences between each of us. If you want, compare yourself only with yourself. Analyze your evolution in recent months to assess your progress.
- Speaking of progress, value your successesapplaud yourself, you may not have gotten to where you want to be yet but are you on the way? That's important!
- Learn from mistakesIf you do, you will not experience it as a failure but as something necessary on your path.
- Take some time for yourselfYou are much more than your job and your goals. You have to learn to take care of yourself because with health – physical and mental – you will get where you want to go. But without it…
And, you know, if you can't get to perfection – mostly because it doesn't exist – try excellence.