When Raquel and Sergio come home exhausted after an endless day, they know that they still have their second “job” to do: two charming 9-year-old twins who, after dinner, hugs and kisses, must go to bed… or that is what should happen. But, in reality, when it is not one who gets up to drink water, it is the other who goes to the bathroom and, if not, it is both who get up to ask to stay a while watching TV… in case they “get” sleepy. Although, it must be an elusive sleep, because it never “gets” them and, finally, they only reluctantly go to bed if it is in their parents’ bed, in their parents’ company. And, this is where the first question arises: have Raquel and Sergio done well?
What is co-sleeping?
If the child sleeps with someone from the family environment – whether parents, siblings, grandparents, cousins or caregivers – we can talk about co-sleeping, a name given by pediatricians Ferber and Lozoff who carried out research in the USA between 1980 and 1990, according to which in 30% of white families and 70% of black families, it was common for children to sleep with their parents.
Another study published in Acta Pediatrica in 1982, explained that between 35-40% of Swedish children aged 2-6 years regularly slept with other family members.
However, these conclusions do not mean that co-sleeping is a recommended practice.
From here, we can ask ourselves the following question:
What are the causes?
- They feel safer. Some parents start letting their children sleep with them on weekends, perhaps because they are very busy the rest of the week, they spend little time with them and it is a way of “rewarding” them.
Other parents will only let their children sleep with them if they are sick, so that they feel more comfortable. And there are even those types of parents who agree with their child that they will stay in bed only until they are almost asleep, but in reality, they end up spending the whole night.
The most important fact is that, in general, it ends up becoming a habit. Obviously, and even if the child is in any of these circumstances, he should not be allowed to sleep in his parents' bed, since doing otherwise will lead to consequences, as we will see below.
- Lack of space. The medical literature indicates that this problem does not only occur in the population of low and middle socioeconomic status but also in the population of high status.
- Fears of the dark. It is one of the most common childhood fears, for which most consultations are requested. child psychologyAccording to a joint study by the University of Murcia and the Miguel Hernández University of Elche, it appears after 18 months of a baby's life, although it is more common in the period from 3-4 years to 8-9 years.
According to this research, it is an evolutionary fear, that is, not pathological but associated with the child's own development and, if properly treated, it goes away over time and without other associated problems.
However, if this fear is not treated it can become a phobiathat is, an irrational fear of the dark, called nyctophobia or scotophobia.
- Nightmares and night terrors. This happens in children between 3 and 5 years old as they discover the world while maturing emotionally. Thus, any fear, whether of darkness, noises, ghosts or the monster that they say appears as soon as mom or dad leave their room, causes suffering to the child that must be taken into account. It is necessary to accompany them back to their bed, “search” the room in search of the monster but also to listen carefully to the child, empathize with them, reassure them and make them feel understood and supported.
- Life events that may be traumatic for the minor. Divorce, separation, fights, arguments, aggression, accidents, acts of violence, natural disasters, loss of a loved one… They directly produce fear of sleeping alone due to fear of the dark, monsters, noises, etc., which generates a state of anxiety that the child cannot understand and, hence, emotional suffering. In these cases, a post-traumatic stress disorder is generated that requires appropriate treatment.
- Problems at school. Whether the child is being bullied at school or has poor academic performance due to lack of motivation, lack of diligence, negative attitude towards teachers, classmates or the school itself, this can cause serious sleep disturbances and fear of sleeping alone. Likewise, it will be necessary to consult a professional if the situation continues and the child's quality of life is significantly affected.
- Relationships with mom or dad's new partner. If the minor takes the place that should be occupied by the mother's or partner's new partner, a new obstacle is established in the relationship with that person and, at the same time, between the couple, since they cannot maintain intimacy in which to have sexual relations, for example, which can end the couple's relationship itself.
What consequences can be expected?
- The child may end up being so dependent that, as a teenager, he or she cannot spend a night away from home – for example, camping.
- Unhealthily, parents will be forced into a situation with little intimacy and sexual relations, which ends up deteriorating the relationship.
- Inadequate sleep compromises the secretion of cortisol or melatonin in children, as well as the growth hormone, which can cause changes in height.
- Anything that can disturb a child's sleep, such as snoring, noise, movements due to sharing the same bed, can, in the medium and long term, lead to the appearance of sleep disorders such as insomnia, parasomnias, hypersomnia, etc.
- For children with fears, sleeping in the same bed as their parents temporarily relieves fear during the night but makes it more difficult for them to face the feared situation.
- Sleeping with mom and dad can also have negative effects on security, self-esteem, affectivity or character.
Guidelines for helping a child sleep alone
- Give the signal that it is time to go to sleep. To create a habit, there needs to be a routine and repetitive signal that shows us that the routine has started. To do this, you should take into account the child's age. If your child is three years old and you tell him it's ten o'clock, he won't understand it the same way as if a song – rather relaxing, like a lullaby – was playing at that time. However, if your child is nine years old, you can tell him that 10 pm is the deadline for going to bed.
- Before the signal, children should do relaxing activities and calmIf you are playing a violent, flashing video game with your child ten minutes before bed, you will have excited his neurons for several hours. So don't think it's strange if he doesn't sleep that night. Likewise, you should not give him soft drinks containing caffeine.
- Establish a routine. We set the signal, we accompany the child to bed and we can stay for a while reading a story or a book or simply talking. But we must set a time limit because if we stay longer, we run the risk of becoming a new signal ourselves, which will end up becoming a habit and then a routine. With older children who can get out of bed as soon as you have left the room, you will have to be very patient and take them back to their bed, calm them down and return, together with your partner, to the place in the house where you were. Although the child may be a little anxious at first, he will eventually understand.
- Strengthen the routine. The first time you get your child to wake up in his bed, you should congratulate him appropriately: clapping, hugs, kisses, tickling, congratulations and praise. He should feel comforted and supported so that the new routine can be definitively established.
- Reiterate and preserve. The habit must be maintained consistently, every night, in order to create a routine. After a few days, the child will have become accustomed to it and will end up internalizing the fact that he must sleep in his bed alone.
- What you should not do. Take your child to bed if he or she doesn't sleep on a day. Once the routine is complete, turn off the light or, in the case of children with fears, leave a dim light on. If it's a younger child who starts crying because he or she «saw a monster,» go into the room and reassure him or her there, but without taking him or her out of bed. If we do the opposite, creating a habit or establishing a routine will not have helped us at all and we will have to start all over again.
Decalogue for good sleep hygiene for children
- Sleep is a habit that requires learning and respecting a schedule and favorable conditions of temperature, silence and light.
- From the fourth or fifth month, the baby should sleep in his own room.
- From an early age, it is important to teach children to sleep alone, not on the sofa or in their parents' bed, even if they are later moved to their own. You can help them by reading them a story and leaving a dim light on.
- It is not advisable to put your child to bed until he or she falls asleep, as this will reduce the development of his or her autonomy. On weekends, you can allow him or her to spend a short time in the morning in his or her parents' bed.
- It is important to maintain a bedtime routine and teach your child that he or she needs to go to sleep because we all need to rest.
- If your child wakes up scared in the middle of the night, you need to reassure him and pamper him a little, but be firm in letting him continue sleeping alone.
- It is not advisable to allow your child to go to bed with his/her parents, grandparents, siblings, etc. at midnight.
- It is best not to turn on the television and gently help him go back to sleep.
- Children should not be rewarded for sleeping well, but rather taught that this is normal. It is advisable to reduce the excessive rewards that children are now accustomed to when they do their duty.
- Father and mother must share the same criteria and authority when it comes to bedtime and respect the rules of sleep.