How to manage anger in a relationship – Online Psychologists

Carla calls me and asks me for a session couples therapyHowever, on the appointed day she appears completely alone and complains bitterly about her husband's aggressive behavior and his poor or non-existent ability to manage anger when they are involved in some kind of conflict.

Curiously, in his individual session, David explains the story exactly the other way around. Therefore, I raise with both of them, separately, the need to start a couples therapy and they end up accepting.

Although I have no reason to doubt Carla's word, it is hardly logical to do couples therapy in which not half of the couple participate. I am surprised that Carla refuses to let her husband David come, so I suggest that David come to an individual session while she continues hers.

One of the most complex and unpleasant emotions is anger. It produces feelings ranging from simple irritation to hostility, including anger, rage and fury. All of these are the cognitive component of anger, which is accompanied by a physiological scale produced by an increase in the activation of the central nervous system, an increase in muscle tension and motor response, which involves aggressive facial expressions and behavior.

Anger, as an emotion, appears above all in interpersonal situations that are evaluated by the individual as an unjustified violation of his territory, so that his way of coping with said situation is a frontal attack.

Anger is a very destructive emotion for a relationship. When you live with someone, your personalities, priorities, expectations, interests and ways of doing things can clash. When you spend a lot of time with your partner, you end up being hypercritical of the other person, blaming them for every little thing (if there is hair in the bathroom again, if they haven't put the toilet lid down, if they haven't picked up their clothes, if they don't help around the house, etc.), which generates an intense bad temper that can quickly turn into rage.

If the couple does not make an effort to overcome this anger, as soon as it flares up, it will turn into rage and will end up endangering the integrity of the couple itself. Even if the couple recognizes that they are in love, what cannot happen is that they get angry day in and day out, since this will end up eroding the relationship, diminishing the love and spacing out the happy moments that they once had.

Thus, a couple that was plastic, in the sense that it had the ability to recover after each argument, will reach a point where it will no longer be plastic since there will be no time for recovery, since the next argument or fight will already be starting.

Although they say that love conquers all things, the truth is that the capacity to sustain a couple, given these conditions, is scarce. Proper anger management is essential in any type of interpersonal relationship to improve coexistence and well-being.

If we can be more patient and understand that our partner does not intend to harm us, it will be much easier to manage all the anger that their behavior may cause us.

On the other hand, we must think that when we feel rage or anger towards someone close to us, in some way we are turning them into the “enemy” to be defeated and, therefore, we are living in a mistaken reality full of “imaginary enemies”. This happens on numerous occasions because We want to change our partnerto make it to our liking, to our way of being. We are not accepting it as it is.

This should be our first goal: to learn that each one is each one. and that, just as we want to be tolerated in our weaknesses, we must learn to tolerate others. If we do not like being judged, we should start with the person closest to us.

The only way we have to stop blaming the other for everything bad that happens in our relationship and realize that if the relationship doesn't work, maybe it's a little bit of each one's fault, don't you think? Instead of reacting with anger, the other member of the couple will feel motivated, valued, will relax and positive feelings will awaken such as tolerance, patience, generosity… Values ​​and feelings that will lead to a better quality of the relationship.

If in a couple, one of the two is anxious, possessive, insecure or jealous, when faced with an argument as a couple, he or she may become aggressive or show depressive symptoms when faced with an argument as a couple.

There are people who need their partner to show them affection constantly, but due to their high insecurity and low self-esteem, it will never be enough. Therefore, they end up becoming obsessive, stubborn people with a very low tolerance for frustration. Most are emotionally dependent which is why they cannot stand it when their partner decides to break off the relationship.

The evasive personalities They are characterized by not showing their feelings due to various reasons: fear, desire to control the other, not being able to assume what a commitment to another person entails. They do not want to show these feelings and, when they do, it is in an abusive way, putting their needs above those of their partner.

They are the type of personality that argues more easily, even though they pretend that they have not done anything, but that it is the other person's «fault.» They never admit a mistake, they are quite manipulative, and their own ego cannot stand having to admit an argument.

For the confident personalitiesa fight with their partner could affect them. They know how to ask for forgiveness if they have done something wrong during the argument, as this gives them inner peace. They find it difficult to maintain a relationship with an anxious or evasive person because they are not willing to be with a partner who tries to “steal” this peace from them. Their self-esteem is high and stable, and if something bothers them, they say so immediately. They express themselves in a firm but never aggressive manner, as their goal is to clearly express their concerns and needs without harming the other person.

If you realize that you are making mistakes and that they are repeated more frequently than desirable, producing an incorrect attitude in your relationship, an aggressiveness that you cannot control, seek professional help. You can leave your free consultation with a psychologist here.

Remember that uncontrollable anger is a behavior that we learn and, for a better relationship, we must change it. Here are some tips.

Expressing anger in an explosive manner is one extreme of the spectrum. This reaction, like blaming others, will be counterproductive if you want to find a solution to any problem. First and foremost, seek professional help.