Any separation or divorce is a complicated time. Before the final decision is made, some couples opt for “temporary separations.” They do not always work out as expected, but if the conditions are clear and both members of the couple comply with what has been agreed, they are an option. The period of a temporary separation cannot be excessively short, since the benefits obtained by the separation could easily disappear. During this time, the couple must work both individually and together with a psychologist specializing in divorce in repairing and improving your relationship, in everything that maintains dysfunctional cognitions that fuel conflict, and in ways of expressing emotions, thoughts, and behaviors, fleeing from the wound.
What other rules must be followed?
- Both members must commit to carrying out the temporary separation and be honest to its objective when starting this process.
- Both members must commit to be faithful during this timeIt must be very clear that this is not about “I'm going to take a vacation from my partner.” It's not that, it's something much more important for the future of the relationship. In the same way, if one or both members of the couple were being unfaithful at the beginning of the separation, they must commit to leaving third parties to focus on their relationship.
- They must agree on Who will stay home and who will go somewhere else as well as who will stay with the children. Obviously, the parent who is not living with their children has the right to see them.
- In the first phase, all contact is prohibited except for the communication necessary to talk about their children, only and exclusively. Any other type of contact, whether by email, telephone, WhatsApp, is prohibited. During this time, individual therapy for both.
Subsequently, and following the psychologist's instructions, contact between the parties is resumed via WhatsApp, email and telephone. After 21 days, couples therapy is resumed.If at that point the therapist sees signs of strengthening the relationship, the three of them can agree to reduce the length of the separation.
- Similarly, before the start of the separation, the members of the couple must agree on who takes care of the family's financial matterswho goes to the pediatrician, the psychologist or the meeting with the tutor at the children's school…
- If you have children in common and they are not too young to understand or do not have their own pathology, it would be important explain to them what is happeningmake it clear to them that you are still their parents and that they still have both of you, even if they will see one of you less, and above all that you are not separating and that you are only thinking about whether you should or should not do so.
- Regarding family and friends, it is up to the couple to decide who to tell and who not to tell. In general, it is advisable to Explain it only to the essential people to prevent multiple opinions from influencing the couple, who are the ones who must make the decision.
What are the benefits of a therapeutic separation?
Fortify love In cases where the relationship is too worn out, with arguments, lack of respect or aggressive attitudes. Through therapeutic separation tension, stress, anger and accumulated sadness are released.
- There is time to miss the other. When the relationship is bad, there are complaints, expressions of dissatisfaction or lack of physical contact that distance allows us to appreciate.
- Reduces dependency and increases self-esteem.We allow you to see that we are capable of being each one of us, independently, and that we are capable of solving our own problems.
- The fear of loneliness is lost and we think about achieving those objectives and goals that, as the relationship progressed, we had been modifying or losing.
- Distance gives us enough time and space to learn to forgive. and be able to continue the relationship in a healthier way and without resentment.
- Breaking the usual routine allows us to think about the history of our relationship. and clarify both feelings and needs to know if the person with whom we share our life is the right one.
- Learning to communicate more effectively after calming the emotions.
What are the drawbacks of therapeutic separation?
- One or both parties decide they are better off alone. and they no longer feel what they thought they did, which is why they propose to effectively separate. However, this occurs in a small percentage of cases.
- Sometimes, One of the members of the couple has already decided on the divorce and uses this time hoping that the other party will come to the same conclusion, which only serves to worsen their situation as a couple.
- Infidelity occurs by one or both members of the couple.
- Many toxic relationships use this separation as a method of having an “on and off” relationship. which ends up generating intense anxiety in the other.
What to do after temporary separation
Once The time for therapeutic separation has expired It is solely the couple's decision to use one of the following paths:
- Separate permanently or, where appropriate, get a divorce. They must initiate all the appropriate legal procedures and this is no longer the responsibility of the couples therapist.
- Resume cohabitationtaking into account that the therapeutic separation is going to be a turning point in which sufficient reflection has occurred on the part of both members of the couple, recovering the individual spaces of each one to improve their space as couples by creating a relational dynamic and having a common life project.
However, therapeutic separation is not magic and requires professional monitoring and work by the couple. It must be remembered that It is a therapeutic and productive process Therefore, you should always respect the other person's decision. And, from there, remember that it is important to keep an eye on what is not working in your relationship and why it is happening, as well as learn to forgive and forgive yourself. From here, you can have your whole life together… or not.
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