Friday morning, halfway through a session with a young man; at that moment, I don't remember his age or date of birth, neither is it the most relevant thing but the reason for the request, which has brought him to my psychological consultation. However, halfway through the session and without anything provoking him, he changes the subject and begins to complain that next week is his birthday; I get up, give him two kisses on the cheeks and while I return to my chair, encouraging him and explaining the advantages of having a birthday, I ask him, how old are you?
At that moment, I understand. My patient becomes a “forty-something.” And it seems proven that both men and women – although it also seems that we go through the “midlife crisis” more often – go through a period of emotional instability, very similar to that of adolescence but which, in this case, is called “midlife crisis” or “midlife crisis” (although, put like that, it certainly seems more serious).
And, in reality, perhaps the name “crisis” would not be the most appropriate one, but rather a change in life perspective or way of approaching life. This has less to do with age than with where I am, where I thought I would be ten years ago and where I want to be in ten years. And it is here that we observe whether we have met our life expectations, whether we are fulfilling the objectives and sub-goals that should lead us to a goal because, of course! Do you have objectives, sub-objectives, sub-goals and a goal in mind? No? This is essential to be able to do this analysis and to determine whether or not you have a “midlife crisis.”
Types of age-related crises
In the life of any of us, we go through cyclical variations, some of which are acute and we call «crises.» However, these can be of two types:
- Evolutionary: caused by important internal changes, whether physical and/or psychological. They are associated with development, the different stages of life, role changes, biological transitions, etc. Therefore, they are inevitable, but if we know how to redirect them, they help us grow and become stronger.
- Circumstantial. Related to important changes that occur in our environment and that, therefore, affect us considerably. It may be a loss, or the threat of loss, of any kind (financial, of a person, health, our expectations, etc.)
Therefore, the “midlife crisis” is an evolutionary crisis.
Symptoms of a midlife crisis
It may be accompanied by an anxious-depressive picture along with insecurity and isolation which, in most cases, is due to the social pressure exerted on the individual to meet certain expectations of the environment – if they have not done so yet – such as getting married, starting a family, having children or, especially, very frequently for years, becoming independent from the parental home.
Likewise, the individual may find himself with the difference between the expectations of what is desired and what is real – as we said before – which, together with psycho-work stress and possible conflict with partners, family and friends, exacerbate the gap of the crisis.
- Although behavioral patterns help a man feel younger and more confident, such behaviors could be hiding:
- Insecurity
- Couples with an excessive routine
- Excessive responsibilities
- Although the person who suffers the “crisis” is the one who must realize the mistakes he or she has made up to that point, his or her environment can actually help the crisis to worsen.
- When our life, in general, is boring, there are no more rewarding stimuli and boredom spreads to all areas, causing apathy.
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One of the most important symptoms of the “midlife crisis” is that men need to feel “young” again – as if they had suddenly, and just by turning 40, grown older – and this entails the search for new experiences, especially those that they were unable to do or experience in their 20s.
This is how maladjustment arises, as men feel they must rejuvenate in order to feel part of the world again. And, in this way, flirting with younger people may occur, and there may be an increase in gym memberships to become more muscular, while responsibilities are “put off for tomorrow”…
However, this man – who is usually married or living with a partner – goes back while his wife or partner not only does not do so but struggles to move forward, alone, of course.
Many of these attitudes cause these couples to end up in couples therapy, but inevitably, some of them end up in separation since the woman is neither able nor willing to put up with the change that her husband is asking of her.
At the same time, the end of the reproductive stage in women is approaching, with all the physical and psychological consequences that this entails.
If the couple had children, they are now teenagers and the teenager he once was tells the father. Therefore, if they remain as a couple they will have to readjust: first, to the autonomy of a child who no longer needs them in the same way and, second, to their own role as children in the face of the aging of their own parents.
And, above all, whether or not you continue with your partner, the age of 40 is more than a crisis, it is the best time to do something you want; if I don't do it at 40…at 40, I have to be happy!
Tips for coping with the “midlife crisis”
Here are some tips to help you cope (if it happens to you) with the much-feared midlife crisis. It's a matter of common sense, but we all know that it's the least common of senses…
If you are going to take stock of your life, try to be positive. Enjoy the good things you have been able to achieve so far and don't exaggerate the task you still have to do. You still have life ahead of you…
2. Enjoy the experience
You are in one of the best stages of your life, in which you have already experienced many things, good and bad, and that has made you have self-control over yourself and the situations that happen around you. Experience is a degree; take advantage of it!
3. The best is the here and now.
Don't associate happiness with youth. You may not remember it, but you weren't always happy when you were younger. Obviously, being 20 is fine, but you've already lived it.
4. Reflect on where you are going.
Think about what you have achieved so far and analyse the impact of the decisions you are going to make. In times of crisis, decisions are made at a personal, family and professional level that can be crucial in the following years and that, sometimes, are hasty (like, “I'm selling absolutely everything, I'm going to take the plunge and go to Australia because I've been told there is a lot of wealth there”, right?). Wanting to change your life is not bad, but, as long as you do it with a clear head
Goals are good, but you should give the right value to what you have already achieved. If you have not yet achieved all your goals, you should finish them first, but try not to let this cause you anxiety.
This may be the perfect opportunity for you to reinvent yourself professionally, especially if you belong to the so-called JASP generation – which we already talked about in another post – and your professional merits have not yet been recognized.
Although you have surely already demonstrated throughout your professional life that you are perfectly valid, if in order to feel comfortable with yourself or continue growing professionally you have to change jobs, do not hesitate.
7. Enjoy the little things
Enjoy the things around you that are of vital importance, such as your partner, children, friends… Think that, at the end of the day, the little things of every day are, in fact, the most important.
8. Do what you've been wanting to do for so long…
If you think the time has come to get that tattoo that means so much to you, or to learn to play the electric guitar that you keep putting off, or anything else, do it and don’t worry about those who tell you, in a condescending way, “he’s going through a crisis.” Because crises are just that, times of change, and if you’re sure you want to do it, go ahead…
Most of the time, it is not the person who sinks into this type of crisis voluntarily, but rather, influenced by his or her environment, he or she begins to ask questions. If you are truly at your best, both personally and professionally, why do you allow others to put the opposite idea in your head? So remind them that “I am at my best,” do not allow them to lower your self-esteem, and if someone gets upset…
10. Laugh at the “crisis”
Wrinkles, grey hair, love handles, receding hairline, so what? You have to have a positive attitude towards life and give everything its due value. You still have some great times ahead of you…
11. It has “touched” everyone
The “midlife crisis” is not something that “happened to you” for doing something wrong, but it happens to men and women, single and married, with and without children, rich and poor. And not only at this age, crises can come at any other time in our lives.
12. Does your problem have a solution?
This Japanese proverb always holds true. Besides, if the problem has a solution, why do you worry? And if there is no solution, why do you worry?
The Search for new emotionsThey should not have to do with certain ages but with specific stages of our lives.
“May you live every day of your life!” (Jonathan Swift)
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