«I'm afraid of death.» How to understand and overcome it

Especially women – but also men – surprisingly between 25-40 years old, middle and upper-middle class, with secondary and university studies, and with what we would call a comfortable life. This is not the profile of an advertisement but the profile of patients who, every day, come to the consultation for presenting thanatophobia: fear of death and, therefore, fear of dying.

And, although the cycle of life indicates that Death is part of it, the difficult thing is to accept itAnd then fear, suffering and even denial appear in the face of a reality as indisputable as the one you are now reading in these lines.

We might ask ourselves why and we should answer that human beings are the only living species that dedicate a large part of their time to reflecting – not only about death, which is indisputable and unquestionable, but also about what lies behind it, if there is anything.

Here, and above any type of belief or non-belief or the most respectable doubt, we all ask ourselves the same question: If we are going to die, what is the meaning of life? Yes, that is really the question you were asking yourself, perhaps you are not giving adequate meaning to your current life, you are not filling it with light and you are not living in the here and now.

But what happens when we have a really serious problem? When we maximize this “meaning of life”, we fill our mind with it and it does not allow us to think about “what can I do to improve my life”, nor does it even cross our minds – which are too busy – the question “what is the meaning of my life, here and now?”

?How can my fear of death have a neuropsychological or any other explanation?? Let's see: our brain is the only one that has the capacity for abstraction, or in other words, it realizes that our life is a timeline in which there is a past, present and future, only that this is uncertain (we don't know when it will end). All of this provokes emotions in us – which are directed towards the uncertain future, such as fear, dread and even phobia. But this causes us to be the only ones to generate a self-awareness that allows us to ask ourselves questions not only about death but also of an existential nature: where do we come from, where are we going,…

Seen in this way, it seems that the only thing we are afraid of is death itself. However, we suffer and grieve – of different kinds – when we lose someone we love. What is the point, just from a biological point of view? Obviously, the loss is irreparable. We lose forever a close, unique and unrepeatable person, especially in terms of their genetic endowment. It is a combination that will never be repeated.

However, the brain often plays tricks on us and often makes us believe things that cannot be proven.

Thus, many activities of our brain explain phenomena such as near death experiences. Stimulation of the parietal and temporal lobes is responsible for hallucinating or being able to hear an external voice. In addition, there are other disorders related to perception such as somatrophenia, autoscopy, the sensation of presence… which also have to do with brain processes.

The thanatophobia It only affects 2 percent of the population, but it is a good excuse to remind us that we must think about death without obsessing over it and, above all, seeing it as part of this journey that is life.

He fear of death It has some common components: fear of the unknown, fear of not having control (for example, over final decisions), fear of not knowing what that moment will be like, fear of pain, fear of leaving our loved ones and, above all, fear of ceasing to exist.

A first fear – the one we all have – may be necessary as defense mechanism – otherwise we would all constantly do things that could put us at risk if we knew that death did not exist – but when this fear gets out of control, it produces a conflicting response in the form of anxiety. If it prevents us from continuing with our lives, we are talking about thanatophobia (deep fear of one's own death, of what may surround it and of life after death) or necrophobia (fear of everything related to death: cemeteries, corpses, crypts, coffins, etc.)

Although many consider that the solution is to avoid, this is not a very good way to deal with the phobia, nor with the secondary disorders. More than anything, this produces certain limitations and means leaving a problem that can become important untreated.

Although difficult, The fear of death can be overcomeThe first thing you need to understand (and accept) is that there is nothing wrong with you. We are not born afraid of death, it is something that we learn socially and that we experience throughout life, in moments that we can define as unpleasant.

One of the first steps if you think you have developed this phobia is to seek the advice of a specialist. A psychologist specialising in phobias can help you. Exposure therapy is widely recognised and can be very effective if carried out well, although in this case it can be complicated. The key to this method is to get the person used to what they fear.

You can have the benefits of talk therapy and the comfort of being with people who feel the same way you do, reminding you that you are not alone in this.

This is a more traditional treatment, however, it can be highly recommended, especially cognitive-behavioral therapy. It is good to talk to a specialist about our problems. This process can be slow, but good things take time. If you are up for it, you can contact me here.

The simplest: do deep breaths for 5 minutes. This will help you stay more relaxed and aware. Take a slow inhalation and an even slower exhalation. We recommend reading this article with relaxation techniques for anxiety.

Put post-its in your most common places with positive phrases. Examples:

Now, find some phrases that make you feel good. Just in case, one as a gift.

And before the situation gets the better of you, as always, it is better to consult a psychologist than to let things get worse without doing anything to fix them.