Marta and Carlos are in their forties and come to the doctor's office because, according to them, they don't understand each other «at all» and that despite the fact that, as they say, they talk non-stop about anything; «And about emotions, feelings, how each one feels about the other, too?» I ask, hoping that both of them will say that, indeed, they do.
But a tense silence spreads through the office. Then, doubts, hesitations and the latent conflict that they had been keeping in discussion mode begins: “Be careful, don’t be mistaken, disagreeing with someone close to you is not bad in itself.”
But it doesn't matter, they don't listen anymore. And this is precisely where the problem lies; they talk to each other but don't listen to each other. It's clear that Marta and Carlos «don't understand each other.»
Why don't we understand each other?
It is called communicative style. In general, men and women have different feelings, but the content of what we communicate is also different; thus, We women try to talk about our individual problems But, also, we are more emotional while men use communication as an end to resolve a situation or to take action.
And this, in a nutshell, is the main problem because while men, in a dialogue as a couple, look for the solution while their partner speaks, she will get angry because, precisely, she will believe that you do not listen to her or understand her.
This, in turn, will produce a feeling of helplessness and frustration in the former, causing him to abandon the dialogue because he will believe that his partner does not listen to him or understand him. It's that easy and that complicated.
But communication is also non-verbal communication, and in this respect, women are ahead of the game. You are certainly more expressive, you gesticulate more and you touch your partner more during a conversation than the other way around. In addition, women look more into the eyes, move their body posture forward – as a sign of active listening – while men avoid direct gaze more and spend more time looking to the side.
It is true that Women interrupt infinitely more often that the man does during a conversation but, in general, it is to show concern while the man, when he does it, wants to regain control of the dialogue. Again, this is a signal to start a conflict because, both women and men, will feel neither heard nor understood.
Is there an explanation at the brain level?
Of course you can. Let’s see, imagine that you sit down to talk to your partner and you start to think “he doesn’t understand me”, “he is misinterpreting me”, “I can’t talk about what I feel”, “he doesn’t understand me”, you might start to imagine a scenario in which the relationship ends (perceived fear) and your stress increases because you release certain hormones. It is then that you start to solve a problem that does not necessarily exist yet and you may not be as assertive as you should be.
The part of the brain that anticipates these dangers is called the amygdala, and what it does is basically warn us that we need to flee from this danger (the perceived fear) and make the rest of the brain start looking for solutions; of course, this is a structure that works the same if the perceived fear comes from a flock of jellyfish in the sea or if it is during a conversation with your partner. The amygdala tells you to run away! And you go forward, knocking over whoever it is, even if it is your partner.
The only way to “keep the amygdala happy” is regaining control and for this it is necessary empathize with each other to reach a consensual solution and, in the end, be able to understand each other.
How do we improve communication in couples?
To improve your communication, you cannot lose sight of two very important points:
- Listen to each other actively. This means showing that you have understood and comprehended your partner's message. To do this, it is important to repeat, in one or two sentences, what your partner has just told you (this is called paraphrasing) and then add what you have felt while your partner was speaking (this is what we call mirroring, in Psychology).
- Communicate expressively. It consists of saying what you think and feel without using defensive, accusatory or provocative expressions.
But remember that, to understand each other, it is also necessary resolve your conflictsWe tell you how you can do it:
- Specify the problemincluding reminding the other of a quality that you once appreciated and now, you believe is no longer there.
- Express your own feelings.
- Do not prolong, be brief.
- You both must recognize your responsibility in the appearance and maintenance of the problem that affects you.
- Talk about only one problem at a time.
- Remember to paraphrase and reflect.
- Do not connect current attitudes or behaviors with similar ones from the past.
- Do not use attacks, criticism or intimidation in the conversation because this way the conflict will never be resolved.
- Focus on solutions.
- You both need to change. In a reciprocal and committed way, your behavior will depend on the solution you have reached. Consider that if you have believed that only one of you must change – if there is not some kind of psychopathology – you will have less chance of ending up understanding the other. You can also do this with the help of a online psychologist and couples therapy. In you can Try a free session and learn how it is useful in your case.
- Do not reach a solution that entails a high emotional cost for one or both of you.
- Write down the agreement you have reached; Remember that it has to be specific, concrete, not ambiguous and reevaluate it after some time of having arrived at it.
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