The number of consultations from people who feel “trapped” in a toxic family is increasing. This is what happened to Erika, married to Ion and a recent mother of twins. She tells me in therapy who is in a serious conflict with her mother-in-law, who sees her as an “intruder” willing to “steal” the love and attention of her only son. For her part, Susana comes to the consultation overwhelmed by the constant arguments with a mother. A victimizing woman who projects her frustrations onto the patient to the point of making her feel guilty about who knows what, which causes her self-esteem to be very low.
Toxic families and dysfunctional families
We must distinguish between:
- Toxic family: one with dysfunctional patterns of emotional abuse or disrespect of any kind.
- Disrupted or dysfunctional family: an environment that does not work as it should and, therefore, children do not learn values such as trust, respect or empathy. The typical characteristics of these families are:
- Excessively high levels of jealousy or control.
- Divorced parents in constant conflict.
- Parents who should separate but don't, which ends up harming their children.
Why are there toxic families?
The Causes that produce toxic families are:
- Possible psychological or addiction disorder of any of the members of said family.
- Authoritarian family style.
- Absent father or mother or one who does not perform his or her duties within the family.
- Lack of affection or difficulties attachment.
- Possible physical or psychological abuse.
- Poor communication due to disinterest, lack of skills or personality style.
- Lack of consistency on the part of one of the parents.
- Low self-esteem from the father or the mother.
- Over-demanding.
- Expecting others to meet our expectations.
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When family communication is toxic, what do we do?
It is important that all parties contribute with an attitude to create a better relationship. However, if the impact that the relationship with this family is having on us is excessively negative, it is time to make the appropriate decisions to take care of ourselves both physically and, above all, emotionally. emotional.
Healthy communication is two-way. It consists of listening and being listened to, only in this way can we build an idea of what the other person thinks, wants or needs and compare it with our own thoughts, desires and needs.
we need to the self-esteem of none of those who participate in said relationship is diminished. Otherwise, our self-esteem will be attacked, we will feel undervalued and we will reach a situation of emotional block in which we feel incapable of making decisions, negotiating conflicts or seeing the simplest issues from our own point of view. We will be involved in the toxic family spiral.
At this point, the roles of dominance and submission typical of toxic environments will be established. We will begin to obey orders that will be established in one direction, as well as an excess of control by the dominant party that will interfere in all areas of the affected person.
From “I can’t take it anymore” to “he doesn’t love me anymore”
“Virtue is in its right measure,” says the proverb. That is true of families, whether nurturing or toxic. What is important to remember, in any case, is that any extreme is usually not only not good but even dangerous.
Therefore, when one or more members of a toxic family – one of the parents, one of the siblings, the mother-in-law – wants to exert a excessive control on another member, making the behavior of said person towards the first more difficult, causing the uncertainty regarding the actions of the toxic person to increase progressively more.
At this point we feel confused, we don't know what to do or what is best – do I talk to this person or not? Do I distance myself or not? Do I tell them clearly how they make me feel or not?
Let us remember that We are emotionally blocked and our response capacity will be very low. and we will let it pass – days, weeks, months, perhaps, years… Meanwhile, the toxic person will continue with his or her particular “battle”, affecting the person more and more widely and causing reactive and/or adaptive disorders.
Over time, perpetrators go from feeling helpless to feeling unloved by their family members and, in the most serious cases, even ignored.
How to escape from a toxic family?
One has to identify that we have a problem and don't expect it to «resolve itself», «better to leave it», «if you don't do anything, it will eventually fix itself». If you are in a toxic family, you should know that this will not happen, that what is happening to you is just a symptom – just like when you have a fever, but you have the flu – that something is not working in your family.
You must be aware of the extent to which it is affecting you. and if it is still possible to communicate it in a constructive way to the other person. Empathize with the other person, remember that not all of us have the same opportunities and that each of us fights his or her own battles that others – even if they belong to the same family – know nothing about.
But if you've already done it and the other person is wearing their toxic behaviors to the extreme, without being able to put emotional distance between your own storms and the other, you must begin to take action:
- Necessary limitsWhether or not you have your own family, your family of origin does not have to be informed of everything you do or don't do. You are probably old enough, intelligent enough, and mature enough to make your own decisions and accept the consequences that come from them. Don't depend on anyone else to approve or disapprove of these decisions. And that's what boundaries are: your decisions are solely and exclusively yours, and if there is someone next to you, it is your choice whether to share this decision with them or not. In the same way, you choose when you see them or not: only at family gatherings or on special dates.
- Move awaySome people feel the need to physically distance themselves from the dysfunctional environment in order to regain control over their lives. However, it is important to remember that the solution is always in your own hands, in a change of attitude towards that environment.
- Keep the respect. It is common for a family member in toxic environments to believe that they can say whatever comes to mind, without taking into account the feelings of other people. The instinctive reaction is to respond, ignoring the filter of proper education and respect. In this case, a major conflict will end up being generated and, therefore, it is important to take distance so that in a calmer way and allowing feelings to cool down, you can respond appropriately without causing pain to either party.
- Use the “magic” wordsThese are: “I can’t”, “I don’t want to”, “I don’t agree”, without fear and to make it clear that we have our own capacity to choose. At the same time, other words of these are: “thank you” and “please” because in this way we show kindness and respect.
- Patience. Losing patience causes us to be impulsive and thoughtless and not make good decisions.
- Control emotions. Anger only exacerbates the conflict. When engaging in any type of behavior related to this dysfunctional environment, we must take into account the consequences that will occur in it, as well as the limits that must not be exceeded by either party.
- Go to psychological therapy when you can't control the situationIf you need help, a psychologist from the team will help you see other perspectives of the problem and develop the skills to confront it, solve it and feel better about yourself. Regain your self-esteem and control of your life.
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