Kevin is a 15 year old patient who comes to therapy one day a week, always at the same time and on time. He started treatment for a behavioral problem that, however, did not quite fit. Later, a call from his school psychologist “discovered” him. Kevin used this behavioral problem to hide his numerous lies.
In the session that same afternoon I ask Kevin about the existence of part of the content of the call, “and how do you know that?” he asks me. “Because I have informants where you least expect it. But the question is, isn’t it true, right?” Faced with so much denial of certain facts, Kevin ended up stating “You see, Dolors, I’m not lying to you, I’m just hiding part of the information from you.”
Is that a lie? Several months after that session, this argument remains among his favorites, although with increasing frequency.
Why do teenagers lie?
Many teenagers do not lie either because they are afraid of being discovered, because they are too lazy to remember all the details of the lie to avoid being discovered, because they are proud, or even because they have some communication disorders.
Ultimately, it is for almost the same reasons, as paradoxical as it may seem, that our teenage children are led to lie:
- Over-demanding parents. Children are afraid of disappointing them and lie.
- Avoid being scolded or punished for something they have done and they know for sure that if they tell you, there will be consequences.
- Wake up call from the lying child. Their self-esteem is falsely reinforced and they tell fantastic stories that may be interesting to their “public”. Despite everything, the large doses of unreality often make other people realize that they are lying. Thus, if they repeat the behavior with a certain frequency, they end up generating a loss of confidence.
The intention of lies
Just as important as whether a lie or a truth is expressed is the intention with which one or the other is expressed. If a lie does not harm anyone, it is more defensible than a truth that causes unnecessary pain.
Of all the lies, the less convenient For the adolescent himself at a cognitive level, they are those that are issued in order to avoid taking responsibility for the consequences of their actions. We must bear in mind that we are in the stage of searching for identity and adolescents may feel somewhat or quite disoriented.
And, at the other extreme, the less acceptable lies They are anyone who knowingly causes harm, mislead or cause the listener to lie to make a decision that will harm him/her.
Is lying the same as hiding and falsifying?
Is a teenager who admits to hiding information lying? What he is doing is withholding some information that could be important, but if we are very strict, he is not lying.
On the contrary, the teenager who “false”what it does is say something false, labeling it as true. That is, The fundamental difference is that this is an active lie while “concealment” is a passive lie. Although both can cause equal pain to those who suffer from them.
Your teenager You can also lie through “half-truths”As you may already know, it consists of denying part of the truth or claiming to agree “only with part of it” and asserting that the “official version” is just an exaggeration.
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When a teenager lies, therapy can be a tool to understand the reasons behind his or her behavior and encourage honest communication at home, thus strengthening trust and the family relationship.
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Are there different types of lies?
Yes, of course. To begin with, there are lies that constitute psychopathological conditions and others that do not. We find:
- Compensatory lie. It is a type of lie that is common at this stage, but also in childhood. It consists of making the other person believe that we are who we are not. Easy, right? Considering that we are in the age of social networks, it is not only easy but also dangerous. If I were a teenager, I could make you believe that my name is John, I am 24 years old, my father is American and I am in university… Draw your own conclusions.
- Sentimental lie. The one in which something is communicated to the other person that has nothing to do with the emotional situation of the adolescent, for example, the most typical one; “How are you?” “fine!” when, in reality, he is angry, sad, fed up…
- White liesThose that are said so as not to cause pain to the other person, “where are you going?”, “to do homework with Elia, so she can explain my math homework to me” when, in reality, she is going with a group of friends or with a friend in particular.
- Lies by imitation. If lying is a common practice within the family, adolescents learn it from childhood, integrate and internalize it, and end up lying.
- Compulsive lyingIt occurs in both pre-adolescents and adolescents. It is a compulsion produced by the obsession of being admired, of attracting the attention of others and, therefore, their affection. In this context, and if necessary, they invent a life different from their own, so that avoidant behaviors occur, that is, if they invent that their parents are multimillionaires and live in a castle when, in reality, they belong to the middle class, any attempt by a friend or classmate to go and look for them, visit them, go to do homework or listen to music with them, will be avoided, inventing thousands of excuses.
All of this requires a great cognitive load to build a sufficiently credible role and to have enough memory not to forget any detail, but also not to confuse their “role” with reality. These are intelligent and educated teenagers, with either very low or very high self-esteem, but who may present behavioral or learning disorders or both.
The most important problem comes when the teenager believes his own lies since this is usually the basis of a personality disorder or a psychopathological disorder which can be serious and requires professional help.
Debunking lies about lies
- There is more lying in childhood. False; lies have no age and, in fact, can occur throughout life.
- Teenagers lie to get what they want. There may be some who lie for this reason. However, the teenager, a being in search of his identity, suddenly finds himself in the real world, which he possibly not only does not like but even contradicts him, and the fact of not being able to change it generates frustration, and teenagers, as we know, have a very low tolerance for frustration. So, they lie because they are not able to face a reality that, at the moment, they cannot change either but which they dislike.
- Only children and teenagers lie. False, we all lie because it is a necessary mechanism to repair our self-esteem. In fact, lying has an adaptive and defensive function both in knowing how to tell the truth and in knowing how to recognize who is lying and their lies.
- A lie is a lie, it cannot be different kinds.False, as we have seen, there are various types of lies and those that constitute psychopathological syndromes have not been mentioned.
- Lying has nothing to do with deceptionFalse, if there is no intention to deceive, there is no lie.
- The lie is serious depending on what is said. False, the intention and the effects produced are what tell us if a lie is serious.
- The lie only hurts the receiver. False, lying is just as painful for the receiver as it is for the sender.
- Self-deception is not a lie. False, in fact, is one of the most pernicious kinds of lies, since if we do not show ourselves as we are, it is because we do not believe in ourselves and, in this way, we will never know if others really love us for who we are or for selling them a false image that is the product of our imagination.
- If you are caught in a lie, you don't say anything else.. False, one lie leads to another and another and this can negatively affect the way you relate to others.
The lies are linked to intellectual capacity, psychosexual development and emotional balancel of the person.
If this person is undergoing psychological treatment, it is essential to understand the lies of the patient because they usually reveal their most worrying and inaccessible conflicts, from their point of view.
Guidelines for parents when their teenagers lie
- Lies are easy to discover. If you have a little patience, they will be discovered on their own. When this happens, and despite what you are feeling and your first impulse, make the effort to try to ask your child why he/she lied and why he/she carried out the lie.
- Pay attention to the clues they leave you… It's not a riddle, let me explain, a lie doesn't end there, there is a reason, a where, a when, a how, and, above all, a with whom… Perhaps after discovering the lie, you focus a lot on it and ignore all these “clues” that generally tell us that something is happening.
- Perform active listening. I know, he/she has lied to you, but still, sit on the sofa and talk to him/her – that means talking but also listening, on both sides, with your ears wide open – without conflict, without any sermon, without threats of punishment of any kind. Sit down and listen to what your child has to tell you, you might be surprised. Yes, yes, sometimes they speak in a certain way… and even if it is difficult to understand them, think that a while ago, you were in their place, it won’t be so difficult for you… I’m sure you will understand each other.
- Punishments. Remember that we are talking about a teenager; in no case use physical punishment because you have a lot to lose and very little or nothing to gain. Physical punishment in teenagers is seen by them as an aggression and, therefore, you will completely lose their trust and not only will you prevent them from lying but they will increase their lies. In fact, only what is called positive punishment – the withdrawal of a privilege, directly proportional to the frequency of the lies – in some cases, with the aim of gaining their trust. Bear in mind that if your child knows that you are very critical and are going to judge them very harshly, they will talk to you less and less and, therefore, it will be difficult for you to find out whether they are lying or not.
- You must be firm in your decisions. You must not appear erratic, changeable or indecisive when you have taken a position. Remember that, deep down, by lying, your teenager is challenging you and it is at that moment that he must understand that you are his parents and not his friends.
- Lead by example As parents, you are the role models for your teenage children. I know that if you are in the midst of rebellion, it will be hard for you to accept it, but now is the time to…