In recent years, the incidence of numerous psychological disorders has increased but certain symptoms have also increased, such as feelings of culpability. For this reason, phrases like “because it's my fault”, “it's my fault” and “it was my fault” have become very common for months in the psychologist consultationsAnd it's strange because this is the country of «it wasn't me!», where we raise both hands before anyone tells us what our alleged fault is.
However, it is equally true that many times when we talk about guilt, we are actually referring to responsibility, but where is the difference?
What is the difference between guilt and responsibility?
Guilt is a negative emotion that we feel when we do something we shouldn't because we consider it «something bad» or because we did «something good» that perhaps we shouldn't have done. The point is that This emotion generates other negative feelings such as remorse, frustration, helplessness, anxiety or sadness.
Furthermore, it is an emotion that although we all feel, it is done More common in women between 40-50 years old than in men in that same age range. It happens because women have always been educated to maintain a good family environment and therefore, there is a tendency to feel guilty when someone does not feel well or feels uncomfortable. In short, we tend to think that it is because of something we have or have not done and even because we think that perhaps we have put ourselves in front and thus, we have hurt someone unintentionally.
It is then that we feel bad when we think about the consequences that can be generated in people who are important to us. That is why, Guilt teaches us that we have acted against our valuesagainst our morals and if we act with sufficient maturity we will assume the blame. It is not a question of punishing oneself or of performing acts of complete and total sincerity, which generally only results in making the other person bear the consequences of the problem.
In therapy, the feeling of “guilt” ceases to make sense and becomes “responsibility”
And that's where the responsibility; I assume that with what I have done or not done I could have hurt the other person and furthermore, I am motivated to solve it, admitting that my behavior has been for some wrong reason, understanding that we all have the right to make mistakes and that only in this way can we learn for the future and being able to act as a driving force to change and prevent it from happening again.
For psychologists, what is guilt?
In our society we experience all kinds of situations, but the truth is that, as I said before, the vast majority of the time we want the “guilty” person to be blamed because we have been told ad nauseam that “everything happens for a reason” but even so, “there is always someone to blame.”
But When a person comes to therapythe feeling of “guilt” stops making sense and becomes “responsibility”. It is a more proactive construct and therefore minimizes the negative effects of guilt. On the other hand, the construct of “guilt” prevents change due to its negative connotations and limits therapy, even though part of this guilt is subjective and depends on our own standards.
Therefore, Psychological treatment involves teaching patients to get rid of negative automatic thoughts. and cognitive distortions such as catastrophizing or overgeneralizing. Patients are taught to recognize these attitudes, which generate emotional distress, through a technique called cognitive restructuring. The three-column technique or decatastrophizing exercises can also be used.
What are people with feelings of guilt like?
- They are in constant tensionWe must bear in mind that this can end up causing somatizations such as muscle pain.
- High anxiety. It appears when one does not have control over oneself and one's environment. It indicates that one is an insecure person with low self-esteem.
- Tendency to self-depreciationThey are very self-critical and demanding people, both with themselves and with others.
- Perfectionism which becomes obsessive and generates frustration and restlessness.
- Fear of making mistakesThey are people focused on achieving their goals, which is why they fear making mistakes because they experience it as a failure and tend to punish themselves through recurring negative automatic thoughts.
- Need for approval from othersThey need others to give them positive feedback, so that their worth is clear because that way they know “that they are doing well.”
- Fear of rejectionThey fear that others will indicate that they are weak or worthless and try to avoid this by always giving everything they can.
- Very self-critical. That's why they will always be dissatisfied.
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Why do I feel guilty about everything?
In a “normal” way we can feel guilty about a particular situation. But if we always feel guilty then we are talking about pathological guilt.
Sometimes, the “false guilt«When we feel guilty, even if we are not sure we have done something wrong, in this case, we can recognize it as:
- Constant worry for having bothered others.
- Recurring thoughts about having been able to do things better.
- Feelings of guilt.
- Responsibility for the mood swings of others.
- Distortions of the “should” type.
- High self-criticism.
- Projection of guilt for everything you don't like about yourself.
Guilt can be learned, so if our parents often said when we were children that “it's all your fault”, “it was your fault”, it may be that as a way of gaining the attention of those around us we have “copied” the same behaviour, forgetting the concern that it generates.
On the other hand, the guilt we feel could be a reaction to the behavior of some authority figure or a response to a traumatic event.
Is it good or bad to feel guilty?
In general, The good thing is to feel responsibility. As I said, it is the derived from carrying out acts and these having consequencesIf we believe that these consequences are negative, it is “normal” to feel bad and therefore, it can be useful for us to repair these consequences. But when what we feel is guilt and we feel bad for things that we only believe we have done, then the problem appears.
We have to distinguish several Negative aspects of guilt:
- Excessive or inappropriate guiltIt is associated with a history of childhood trauma that can cause post-traumatic stress disorder and depression.
- Unresolved guiltIt affects attention, concentration and even efficiency as it manifests itself in the form of intrusive thoughts, with a high interference in daily life that can contribute to the development of obsessive-compulsive disorder.
- Recurring guiltWe focus on how badly we have behaved and in this way, we believe that we do not deserve to be happy. We react by punishing ourselves and appearing at risk of anxiety attacks.
How to stop feeling guilty
- Look for evidence: If you feel guilty, look at what evidence you have for and against that you have done something wrong. Another perspective is think about how you would feel if someone close to youperhaps a family member and then someone you know, told you that they have these feelings because of something they feel they haven't done.
- Identify the behavior: Be aware of whether you have done any harm. But if not, think about possible solutions.
- Show your emotions: with the lack of prior awareness of the production of current consequences. Think that Guilt can mask other emotions such as anger or resentment.which can generate internal conflict.
- Love yourself: Write a gratitude journal where at the end of the day, you can write down three things for which you feel grateful and the reason, because they bring you closer to your objectives and goals or because it means giving help to someone who needs it. The important thing is that at the end of the week, all the gratitudes are read and thus, they help you feel good about yourself. Remember that you should not neglect yourself by feeling excessively responsible for others.
- Ask for forgiveness: Whether directly or indirectly, if you have learned from what happened and are able to ask for forgiveness, it will be a way to avoid making bad decisions again.
- Repair the damage caused whenever possible. Show repentance to regain your self-esteem and regain peace of mind.
- Prevent: experience brings us learning and that It will make us avoid situations that trigger feelings of guilt.
- Seek professional help: If you constantly live thinking that everything is “your fault”, with strong feelings of guilt for things you have done, that you thought you should do better or that simply have not had consequences, seek professional help from an online psychologist. But in the same way, if you are the first to throw up your hands and say “it wasn’t me!” at the slightest hint of guilt, also seek professional help from a psychologist, either in person or remotely.
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