When talking about infidelitythe people involved in the affair are often thought of as victims and executioners. The person who has been unfaithful is a victim, while the unfaithful person and the lover are the executioners.
There is no doubt that the actions of the latter two affect the mental health of the other person involved. However, it should be noted that it is the person with whom they are in a relationship who bears the greatest responsibility. After all, when two people begin a relationship, they commit to caring for and respecting each other.
The lover has no responsibility for the acts of the unfaithfulnor does he have a moral duty to care for the victim. What's more, these people often experience psychological consequences, product of a relationship that rarely meets their expectations.
The psychological profile of the lover in an infidelity
Each person is a world and it is not possible to find a description that fits each and every lover.
However, in therapy we often see how certain psychological traits are repeated:
- Are insecure people who are in love with the person with whom they have an emotional relationship.
- They try to take all the blame off the other person and usually justify it by referring to the problems the other person has with their partner.
- They resort to self-deception to mitigate guilt and pain.
- They tend to be vulnerable people and with a tendency to suffer emotional dependence.
- They experience large amounts of frustrationsince the relationship rarely meets their expectations.
- They can feel anger and anxiety because of keeping their relationship a secret.
- The lover lives his relationship more intensely than the unfaithful, because it is usually his only relationship and he expects from it what he would expect from an «official» relationship.
- Follow the rules that the unfaithful person sets.
- They find it difficult to empathize with the unfaithful person's official partner.
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What consequences can infidelity leave on “the other” person?
Inmaculada Jáuregui Balenciaga, a doctor in Clinical Psychology and Research, states that the lover is usually not satisfied with his or her life or relationships. Low self-esteem and dissatisfaction make him or her vulnerable to emotional manipulation.
The unfaithful person makes her feel special. Being “chosen” over her partner gives her a false sense of self-esteem, which is, however, unstable, as it depends entirely on the other person’s attitude.
Self-esteem is the result of believing in our abilities and worth, even when we face challenges and adversities in life.
Walter Riso
When a lover is aware that he is the third party in a relationship, he rarely feels proud of it.
Their desire to continue is opposed to their own values and often leads them to act against them. This makes them feel unworthy of compassion and forgiveness. They feel worthless and believe they deserve the suffering that this unofficial relationship brings them.
These types of relationships often involve a serious emotional dependence of the lover on the unfaithful person. The intermittent nature of the relationship leads them to develop an anxious attachment bond and this, in turn, increases the power that their partner has over them, as they live in fear that their partner will make the decision to end the affair.
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