ILLUSTRATES John Montanaro
EDITION Felipe van Deursen
Part 1/6
the bunglers
Kings and common people, in any period of history, can depart this life in a way beyond rude
– (João Montanaro/)
RIGHT TO DIE
American politician and lawyer Clement Vallandigham was defending a man accused of murder in 1871. While demonstrating in court that the alleged victim could, in fact, have unintentionally killed himself, he accidentally shot himself! Vallandigham ended up dying, but the argument was enough for the defendant, Thomas McGehan, to be cleared.
IF THIS FASHION CATCHES
In 1567, Hans Steininger, ruler of Braunau, Austria, sported a four-foot-long beard (which would make any lumberjack hipster baby-faced). He used a leather bag to carry that rolled-up mountain of fur. But one day, he was without the accessory and ended up tripping over his own beard. He fell and broke his neck
IN HEAVEN THERE’S GOOSE
Martin I of Aragon was a 15th-century Spanish king. Once, after a feast, he lay down with indigestion from eating a whole goose. The court jester Borra went to see him, and Martim asked him where he had gone. “I was in the vineyard, where I saw a deer hanging by its tail, as if it had been punished for stealing figs.” The king laughed so hard at the joke that he died.
ELIXIR OF LIFE
Qin Shi Huang Di (259-210 BC) was the first Emperor of China. A ruthless ruler, he wanted to rule the country forever. Same. So much so that he accepted the experiment of his alchemist, who said he had the key to immortality: taking high doses of mercury. Qin died of poison, and was buried with his now famous army of terracotta statues.
AGAINST ALL THIS
David Phyall was an Englishman who knew how to protest land speculation and gentrification. The last resident of an apartment block to be demolished, he refused to move out until the end. In 2008, when he saw that he was hopeless and that he would have to leave his home, Phyall rested his head on a pool table and decapitated himself with a chainsaw.
LAWYER JOKE
In 1993, a Canadian lawyer named Garry Hoy wanted to demonstrate to a group of colleagues in his office, on the 24th floor of a building in Toronto, how unbreakable windows were. He had done the same thing many times before: throw himself towards the window. Again, the glass did not break. Instead, he broke free, and Hoy fell to his death.
- In 2013, Roger Mirro, from Chicago, USA, was looking for his cell phone in garbage bags in the buckets in the neighborhood where he lived. Blind, he didn’t notice that the trash compactor was on, and he got crushed
Part 2/6
dead by the mouth
Food, drinks (and things that are none of those things) have done a lot of harm to clueless people and crazy people in general.
– (João Montanaro/)
BAD DUCK
According to reports, the doctor of Charles II, King of Navarre in the 14th century, proposed a bizarre cure for his illness: sleeping with a sheet soaked in brandy! In the Middle Ages, distillates were seen as medicine. The problem is that a candle touched the sheet, and the king was charred to death.
EXPLOSION OF FLAVOR
In 1919, an industrial tank of molasses, a product used to sweeten food, exploded in Boston, USA. The 56 km/h sweet wave killed 21 people and injured 150. The unusual tragedy became folklore in the city, and the affected area, on hot days, smelled of molasses for years
WHAT’S OLD MAN?
The Englishman Basil Brown, enthusiast of extreme diets, decided to stuff himself with carrot juice in 1974. He drank 3.8 liters a day, despite the many warnings that it could overload the liver. That is what happened. Basil overdosed on vitamin A, and within ten days, he kicked the bucket.
FOOD OF THE DEMONS
Adolph Frederick, King of Sweden, was a glutton. In 1771, he ordered a feast of lobster, caviar, sauerkraut, kipper (a small fish) and champagne. For dessert, 14 semlas, a type of traditional Scandinavian sweet bread, filled with almond paste. Died of indigestion. Errrrrou!
MADE THE WRONG ACCOUNT
Kurt Gödel was a leading Austrian mathematician and philosopher who immigrated to the US. When his wife was hospitalized, he had a fit and was unable to eat meals prepared by anyone other than her. Paranoid, Gödel died of starvation in 1978
LIQUID REALITY
In Florida, in 1977, Tina Christopherson decided to drink 15 liters of water a day, as she thought she would be cured of cancer. This eliminated the disease – and the woman. But at least she had a serious reason. Already Jennifer Strange, from California, died in 2007 from drinking too much water in a contest to win a Nintendo Wii!
INVERTEBRATES UNITE!
In 2012, the city of West Palm Beach, USA, hosted an eeyore eating, yuck, cockroach contest. The intrepid Edward Archbold, 32, entered the challenge. Sadly, he “choked on arthropod pieces,” according to the medical report, and died. At least Edward won the competition
VERY TRUTH
Robert Mwaijega, 47, was a fisherman from Kyela, Tanzania. In 2016, after a successful catch, a fish he had caught, still alive, escaped and jumped straight into his mouth. The animal went down the throat and lodged itself in the chest of the man, who died. Worse. History. From fisherman. Possible
Part 3/6
unlucky artists
Art imitates life when it kills people in a stupid way
– (João Montanaro/)
NOTHING IMAGINARY
The Frenchman Molière, who lived in the 17th century, was one of the great masters of dramaturgy. In 1673 he collapsed from a bloody cough on stage. It would be just another case of a genius lost to tuberculosis, a disease that killed many in the past. But it became a legend due to the irony of the piece in question: Le Malade Imaginaire (“the imaginary patient” in French), which tells the story of a hypochondriac…
UP AND…
In 1873, Romanian actress Matilda Pascaly played an angel in the play Don Juan de Maraña, work by the French Alexandre Dumas inspired by the myth of Don Juan. Have you ever thought that something could go wrong when performers are lifted by cables and pulleys at shows? So it is. The technical team made a bad mistake in the movements and turned Pascaly into a runaway flying object. The angel was thrown into a wall, and the actress died from the shock.
ON THE THIGHS
In 1911, Austrian conductor Felix Mottl suffered a heart attack while conducting the opera. Tristan and Isolde, by Richard Wagner. In 1968, German conductor Joseph Keilberth collapsed and also died, in the same place in Munich, Germany, and on the same opera scene. But the most bizarre was this passage in question: a coitus interruptus between the protagonists. Imagine the efforts of the conductors to stop the orchestra…
WHO KNOWS DOES IT LIVE?
Comedian Tommy Cooper was very successful in England in the 1980s. In 1984, he had a heart attack on a live show. The production and audience thought it was part of the show. As he writhed breathlessly on the floor, people laughed nonstop. The next day, his death, watched by millions of people, was confirmed.
LUCKY HANDSOME
Jon-Erik Hexum was a rising actor and model in Hollywood. In 1984, he starred in the series Sketch, which was shown on the late TV Manchete. During a day on set, bored with filming delays, he decided to play Russian roulette with a gun pointed at his temple. Boom. Despite being a blank bullet, it was enough to take a chunk out of his skull and cause fatal bleeding.
- In 1993, Brandon Lee, son of Bruce Lee, also died due to an accidental shooting on a recording.
FAUSTAN OLYMPICS
Wong Ka-kui, lead singer and guitarist of the Hong Kong band Beyond, which enjoyed success in Asia in the 1990s, was participating in a Japanese variety show in 1993. The ground was very narrow and slippery, and he ended up taking a tumble from a height of almost 3 m. He hit his head, fell into a coma and died days later. Because of a mere television scenario
JUDAS WORKOUT
At Easter 2000, the Italian Renato Di Paolo played the apostle Judas in a play by Passion of christ, in a village 70 km from Rome. Following the biblical story, he hangs himself in his final scene, repenting for betraying Jesus. On the first performance, it went well. But on the second one, he got too carried away, and when he jumped off a rock, the knot in the rope snapped shut, effectively hanging him. When colleagues realized, it was too late
Part 4/6
The important thing is to survive
Athletes, professional or not, who met an imbecile end
CHAMPIONSHIP LUCK
A tremendous storm hit the Spanish island of Ibiza in 2007. While the wise took shelter, a 40-year-old kitesurfer took to the water. But he didn’t last long on the kite as the wind blew him back to dry land, throwing him into buildings for almost 1km. His Death Story Was a Darwin Awards Finalist (see later) of that year
MMA FOR REAL
Arriquion, a practitioner of pankration, fighting in the ancient Olympics, was playing in the final of the tournament, in 564 BC, when he was immobilized by his opponent. His trainer teased him, and he fought back. He kicked the opponent with his right foot and forced his body to the left side, getting the tackle. The move gave Arriquion the win, but it also broke his neck!
CALM, BEAST
In 1994, Jeremy Brenno, a 16-year-old American teenager, became irritated beyond measure while practicing a sport that required calm and concentration. When he missed a hole on a round of golf, he exploded. He slammed the bat into a bench, and the wooden instrument shattered. A sharp piece turned towards the youth and pierced his heart.
part 5/6
man wolf
Even harmless critters can be fatal if you’re silly enough.
– (João Montanaro/)
MY DEAR PET
Heraclitus was one of the greatest philosophers of antiquity. His ideas, such as “everything flows”, about a world in constant movement, are studied until today. Unfortunately, he died a cruel and ugly death at the same time, at least according to one of the versions on the subject. In 475 BC, Heraclitus suffered from edema, and tried to treat himself by covering himself in dung (!), which attracted voracious dogs, which devoured him (!!)
A TRAGEDY
Twenty years after Heraclitus, another great Greek was killed by an animal. By two, in fact. In 455 BC, the playwright Aeschylus, who was writing his plays drunk, according to an account about him, was killed by an eagle. What did the bird do? It hit the poor man with a turtle on the head. Mario would be jealous
THE SQUARE IS OURSIN THE GREEK VERSION
Chrysippus of Solis, 3rd century BC Greek philosopher, spotted a donkey eating his figs. According to accounts from the time, he ordered a slave to give the animal wine to help it swallow. Apparently this was pretty funny in 206 BC, and Chrysippus died of laughter.
ANOTHER DEAR PET
In 2008, an Irish woman met a man in a fetish chat. Result of the chat: she had sex with his German shepherd. The animal’s semen triggered a lethal allergy. The man was convicted, and became the first to break the country’s bestiality law, of…