Most of the time, you end up being your own worst enemy. But there are ways to please more people without coming across as fake or desperate. It’s about being authentic.
So if you notice that people seem a little awkward or you’re pushing them away, it’s time to get real with yourself and make some changes.
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Here are 15 signs you’re trying too hard to be liked and what to do instead.
1. You regularly announce on social media that you are single, single, and free to hang out.
Nope! Don’t be that person! I’ve been that person and I can tell you it doesn’t work.
That «single and free» ad basically translates to «I’m lonely and pathetic» in modern parlance. No one wants to be around a person who comes out so desperate for human interaction.
What to do instead: show yourself having fun, doing things you like and are interested in, and just being you. If someone shows interest in what you’re doing, you can respond informally and invite them next time.
2. People have told you (in one way or another) that you scare them.
Do you have a solid reputation for «being too strong,» especially when you’re interested in someone romantically? Well, this is the euphemism people use when they mean you’re trying too hard to make friends.
What to do instead: slow down, take deep breaths, and wait for a natural introduction to conversations and situations. Then, and this is the most important part, watch their faces and their body language.
Are they opening their circle to include you or turning their bodies towards you? Do they look you in the eye when you speak?
These are the signs that they are ready to include you and get to know you. If not, try to end it naturally and move away to give them space and show them that you are receiving the messages they are sending.
3. You’ve lied about what you like just to start a conversation.
The problem with this isn’t just the fact that you’re lying. It’s the fact that most people can tell that you really don’t know what you’re talking about.
Even if you are a good faker, you will eventually be found out and that new friendship or relationship will be riddled with mistrust.
What to do instead: Instead of lying, ask them what they’re doing and then ask them specific follow-up questions.
For example, someone might say that they are going mountain biking this weekend. Instead of pretending you’re a huge MTB fan (if you’re not), ask them how long they’ve been doing it and if it’s hard to learn.
As I said in #2, watch his body language and see if he’s interested in talking about it further. And, whatever you do, don’t push them to invite you. Just be curious for curiosity’s sake!
4. You’ve gotten mad at someone you’re dating because they ended things early, refused to commit, or called you off.
Please, for God’s sake, don’t be that person. This is called being a «good person.»
Trust me, I’ve been there and gone crazy with people, but it just makes you look unstable (and that’s not cute), even if you have every reason in the world to be mad.
What to do instead: As sad as it is to say, it’s better to end that friendship or relationship entirely than to become someone you don’t want to be. Take a deep breath and hang up the phone or walk away.
5. It takes you about 3 hours to prepare for a date.
Even though the beauty and fitness industries would have you believe that everyone wants perfection and the Barbie or Ken doll look, most people would rather see you for who you are. If you’re too groomed or flexed and gelled to perfection, your date will likely think you’re trying too hard.
What to do instead: I’m not saying you should show up in tattered pajamas with toothpaste on the corners of your mouth. Take a shower, clean yourself up to feel nice and confident, whatever that means to you.
6. Your Instagram and Snapchat are full of photos of you clearly trying to look cool or rich.
You know what kind of photos I’m talking about. The ones that basically scream, «You wish you were me!» showing off their Gucci logo merch or mockingly giggling behind their peace sign fingers.
Yes, we see through everything. We, of course, mean everyone.
What to do instead: Share photos of yourself when you’re really happy, whether you think that’s what people like or not. Share a photo with your dog, grandma, or a cute, authentic selfie while watching your favorite bad movie on the couch.
No matter how unlikely it may seem, when you’re authentic, your real life is more interesting than your selfie on Rodeo Drive.
7. You hate people who are in happy relationships because you’re secretly jealous.
Dude, this is not cool. This is exactly what you should never do. Especially if you are a woman.
Women already have enough difficulty dealing with all the pressures that society places on us. We shouldn’t make life more difficult for each other. Also, acting this way just makes you look desperate.
No one wants to be friends with (or date) the desperate girl, especially if she’s also being mean. When guys do this, they just seem aggressive and mean. Not attractive.
What to do instead: Process your jealousy by writing in a journal or talking to someone you trust intimately, like a parent, sibling, or lifelong best friend. Or, better yet, a therapist or counselor.
It’s totally okay to be jealous and even angry at someone for what seems like their «perfect» life. But it’s not okay to be an idiot.
8. You said, ‘I can’t believe that person is a relationship and I’m not,’ and then quickly detailed why you’re better than her.
Look, I’ve been there. Personally, I also don’t understand why guys tend to prefer me to total wrecks. But vocalizing it isn’t helping you and could show that you’re trying too hard to get guys’ attention.
What to do instead: keep it to yourself.
9. You have tried to bribe your way into a person’s heart.
This happens when you find yourself paying their bills, buying them dinner all the time, and showering them with gifts…even though they’ve told you they don’t see you as «long-term» material or keep saying things like «you’re such a good friend» or «You know I’m not the relationship type, right?»
No one has ever bought their way to love or true friendship. Even with good intentions, resentments and obligations can build up.
What to do insteadTip: Be generous with your time instead of your credit card, and pick up the check once in a while, but not all the time.
10. You put up with much more than you should and are aware of it.
You keep thinking that maybe if you bend over a little more, they’ll realize your worth, right? Wrong. People will treat you exactly as you let them treat you.
No, it’s not your fault when someone treats you badly, but you do have the right to say «no» and end that relationship.
What to do instead: talk about what your real boundaries are with someone you trust or write about it in a journal.
What feels good to you? What secretly makes you feel like you’re dying inside? Make a list in a journal of the things that don’t feel right to you, and then read them again a day later to see if you still feel that way.
Then have a conversation with whoever is taking advantage of you in your life and say so clearly. Something like, «When ___ happens, I feel ____ and I really don’t want that to happen again.»
Someone who can’t respect that boundary isn’t worth your time. Move on.
11. You’ve literally begged people to go out with you or blamed people to go out with you.
I have been there too. Trust me when I say nothing good comes of it.
All you do by begging others to be around you is getting rejected, which sucks because you don’t know how to make things better. And nobody likes a pity party.
What to do instead: find things that make you happy and focus on doing them.
Find the people in your life who really like being with you and give them your time and energy. They are probably there, being ignored by you right now!
12. You feel like you need to brag about your life, your quirks, or yourself to please people.
Most of the time, people who try too hard brag about every little thing they do or own to get the attention of others. All bragging does is make you look arrogant at best and desperate for attention at worst.
What to do instead: notice how the people around you talk about themselves.
Try to objectively observe the amount of time and energy they spend talking about their own lives versus asking questions about others. Try to find a natural balance between talking about yourself and making other people feel like they matter.
13. You’ve been known to do crazy stunts just to get the attention of someone you want to meet.
This happens more often with men trying to get women’s attention, but it’s certainly not exclusive to men! I once had a friend climb 20 feet up a pine tree to sneak into the backyard of a guy’s apartment she had just started dating.
It’s incredible that she didn’t fall, that she wasn’t arrested. Instead, her boyfriend never called her again. She didn’t think that was romantic. In fact, it is VERY inappropriate.
What to do instead: Give that person a genuine compliment and then leave it at that. Or maybe bring them a (very) small gift, like their favorite drink from the vending machine or some cookies from the cafeteria.
Despite what you’ve seen in RomComs, you don’t need to spray paint your name on a wall or run into a faucet to get someone’s attention. In real life, these things are creepy and threatening.
14. You stop taking ‘no’ for an answer, verbally or through body language.
«Creep» vibes often start to occur when people won’t take «no» for an answer, even though the signs clearly tell them «no.»
When you try too hard you can often feel yourself overstepping people’s boundaries; you just keep hoping they’ll change their minds or see what’s good about you.
If they tell you that you’re getting creepy around people, that’s a sign that you’re trying too hard and not respecting boundaries.
What to do instead: slow down, take a deep breath, and assess your motivations when interacting with other people. Are you using them for validation? Emotional release? Something worse, something physical?
At the very least, that’s unpleasant. At worst, it’s a crime. If you want friends, if you want a relationship, you can’t be that person.
This is a great opportunity to seek therapy and grow as a…