For three decades, the media has addressed the problem of failed relationships and how they can be saved. The giants of self-help—John Gottman, Harville Hendricks, David Scharch, and M. Scott Peck—opened the doors, and many other wonderful writers have followed. Separately and together, they have offered insightful advice on how to choose the right partner, build a great relationship, and fix it when it’s failing. The messages are clear and well-intentioned: Every relationship, given the right direction and hard enough work, should succeed in some way.
But sometimes, no matter how hard a couple tries, the relationship just doesn’t work out. The quality partners who have lost each other they usually feel terribly mistreated and are saddened by their own feelings of failure. Because there is so little support to comfort them, they often become reluctant to talk about what happened.
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The fact is that many relationships should end. That is especially true when both they’ve tried their best, they’re not even sure why things went wrong, and they’re tired of trying.
Sure, there are a number of difficult people out there who just can’t get along with others for an extended period of time, run when intimacy deepens, or just prefer sequential relationships for their own reasons.
But, according to psychologist Randi Gunther (Ph.D.) for the most part, new lovers want to please each other, deepen their connection, and overcome their barriers. When you’ve tried everything you can, and the relationship still doesn’t work out, it shouldn’t be about guilt, shame, or fear of trying again.
There are some real and justifiable reasons why good people can’t seem to get over their relationship difficulties, no matter how much energy and time you have devoted to each other. If they have done everything possible and they end up appreciating each other’s efforts, they don’t need to dwell on the pain of failure, but use what they have given each other to build a better foundation for next time.
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If well-intentioned and caring people can, without guilt, recognize the symptoms that tell them to let go, they can end their relationship without resentment or feelings of wasted time. If couples stay too long in a relationship that cannot improve, they run the risk of missing out on the opportunity to appreciate the lessons you have learned together.
1. Small irritations that get worse over time
Every new relationship has good interactions and not so good. New lovers go to great lengths to appreciate naturally satisfying connections and ignore those that are irritating. Unfortunately, over time, some of the distressing behaviors begin to escalate and are more difficult for the other partner to ignore. It can be little things like leaving clothes on the floor, being late, or forgetting a promise.
There are also more serious ones, like staying close to an old friend or girlfriend, getting too drunk, or not paying bills on time. When these annoying behaviors reach critical mass, the other partner may no longer be able to tolerate them.
When good connections are seen eroded by built-up resentments, the balance of the relationship shifts in the wrong directionand the good that once kept the relationship intact gets buried under layers of disappointment and disappointment.
2. Unacceptable behaviors that were not disclosed at the beginning of the relationship
Most new lovers intentionally hide past behaviors that have negatively affected their other relationships. They hope that, once the new relationship is established, your partner is more likely to forgive those old transgressions.
No matter how easygoing a new partner may be, there are also certain late admissions that can destroy even the most desirable relationships. The part of the couple has believed the other to be trustworthy in those crucial areas, may be unable to accept past behaviors that were hidden in the first place.
Here are some common examples:
- Large debts that must eventually be paid with mutual resources.
- An unmentioned son.
- Past affiliations with less than desirable characters that could come up again.
- A previous marriage.
- An inherited disease.
- An intrusive and controlling father lurks in the background.
Any hidden behavior in the past that might be unacceptable to a new partner can be a deal breaker when it is finally revealed. Whether one part of the couple should tell the other about them may vary depending on the severity of the problem and whether its consequences will or will not affect the new relationship.
These common examples can be hard to bear, and it’s up to each person when to share them.. Also there are very serious issues that need to be shared in advance, even though the risk is high. For example, if a potential partner have an STD that could threaten your health , a vindictive ex-wife or husbandeither a previous felony conviction that could affect the future.
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3. Mutually exclusive important needs
Unfortunately, some couples find over time who cannot live with certain different needs or desires of crucial importance. Some of the most common are different sexual appetites, disparate dreams or how to deal with previous partners, but there are many other. How should our money be allocated? What is our ideal place to live? How many children, if any, should we have? Do we take care of our parents? What are our criteria for friendships? How much time away from each other can we tolerate? How do we communicate and resolve important conflicts?
These potential differences they rarely come out early in a relationship. It is only when resources are pooled that the couple begins to reveal what they can live with without compromising or being unwilling to compromise or change. Those differences need to be resolved. with mutual respect and supportbut they often reveal behaviors that no one could have anticipated or can live with.
4. Reduce illusions
It is totally normal that the exaggerated illusions of the first months diminish over time and couples get to know each other more deeply. What is considered highly desirable at first may have a downside that is not revealed until the relationship matures. For example, a partner dedicated to their mission in life may seem wonderfully impressive, but then let that partner down. by too often prioritizing that commitment over the relationship. A very attractive couple who spends a great deal of time maintaining that result may seem too shallow. A person wonderfully careful not to spend too much can, over time, look stingy and cheap. A passionate partner who is initially very sexual may be much less attractive later on. as other priorities emerge.
A person under-promising and over-delivering can be a joy, but it’s a rare quality. New lovers do not usually focus on possible disappointments. When things settle down, and both partners are online for further evaluation, they can assess what is good, what needs improvement, and which may be unacceptable.
5. External stressors
The synergistic energy of a new relationship seems limitless. The couple’s connection does more than the sum of the parts. Abundant with the energy to meet the challenge, they feel that they can meet any crisis, unexpected or anticipated.
Unfortunately, resources are not infinite and more stressors can erode deeper commitments. Serious illness, accident, job lawsuits, loss of financial stability, family needs, grief over loss, or a series of uncontrollable disappointments they can wear down a couple’s ability to cope. If those stressors continue, they can lose faith in the ability of the relationship to survive.
Stressors stretch a couple’s ability to learn and grow. If they cannot triumph over them, they risk finding themselves inadequate. Finding fault with each other’s reactions and responses, they will begin to lose confidence and drift apart to solve their problems on their own. Sometimes there’s too much heartache, and any relationship can fail when too much is too much.
6. Power struggles
When love is new, both are willing to commit. They make decisions together, asserting each other’s opinions and fighting for an agreement. Sharing decision-making power, they become an integrated team creating mutually agreed upon solutions.
As the relationship matures, one or the other partner can express their desires and prejudices with more intensity. Too often, this process results in a reciprocal defense with both parties resorting to defending their positions and trying to pressure the other to comply.
What could have been a mutual decision to spend all of their time together can become a problem if one partner wants to spend more time alone and the other wants to share that time with others.
For example, the partner who is more social now may want to bring other friends into the relationship, or spend time away without the other partner. Perhaps one partner needs quiet time apart, leaving the other feeling lonely and abandoned. Either of you could have used sweet seduction, gentle coercion, or invitation in the past, but now you have lost your temper and use more intense persuasions. Perhaps anyone can threaten consequences that are really hidden power plays for control. Painful fights replace past engagements as each competes to win the game.
Power struggles can cause couples to simply walk away, rant in anger, create desperate pleas, or use guilt as a blunt stick. They may not even realize they are behaving that waybut it is clear that what seems like an innocent invitation has turned into a demand.
If power struggles persist, couples spend from being a team to opponents on opposite sides of the field of play. Too soon, they begin to save themselves at the expense of the needs of the other.
7. Getting shallow
It’s hard for anyone being totally authentic and open in a new relationship. Keeping things light, superficial and non-threatening is a very common behavior. But as love grows, successful couples begin to deepen their communication and take more risks by sharing their vulnerabilities and flaws. They are willing to be known in more vulnerable ways and to be heard more deeply. That richness of depth in communication…