There is a book for each topic: fear of intimacy, poor communication, lack of sexual desire, infidelity, finding the right partnerand so on.
Whenever you feel like something is wrong with you because you’ve had such disastrous romantic relationships, it helps to remember how many millions of these books exist.
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If everyone had life figured out except you, they wouldn’t keep posting, right?
People are buying these books in droves. And that’s because everyone struggles with relationships.
Even that couple that seems so happy on Instagram, probably especially them.
Thinking that everyone else has it all figured out and «I’m fundamentally flawed» is just self-defeating thinking that isn’t helping you find love.
Here are seven more toxic beliefs that keep you from finding love:
1. You think you don’t deserve love.
Deep down, you are sure that you are a terrible person.
You have disgusting personal habits, you are selfish and petty and have petty thoughts, and if someone knew the truth about you, they would run screaming in the other direction.
Congratulations, you are human.
The truth is that we are all more or less horrible and unpleasant. Nobody deserves to be loved. But we love each other anyway because we’re programmed to do so.
Life is better when we are not alone and we manage to connect.
So we marry the wrong people and we fight to be faithful, and we fight each other, and it’s worth it.
If any of us deserve love, so do you.
2. You think you’re terrible at relationships.
If you’re reading this, chances are all of your relationships have failed in one way or another.
Maybe you are in the middle of being single or maybe you have an unhappy partner; Either way, you may have decided that the problem is you.
That you don’t know how to have a healthy relationship. That you can’t let your guard down and be vulnerable enough to be loved. That you always choose the wrong person to fall in love with.
But listen: In each relationship, you learn something that can help you improve in the next one.
They say that the only way to fail is to stop trying. So keep trying.
Don’t get stuck in a bad relationship and don’t stop looking for love.
3. You think relationships should be easy.
Despite the thriving self-help industry dedicated to solving relationship problems, there are people (and maybe you are one of them) who secretly believe that when the right person comes along, everything will be easy.
You’ll agree on how fast or slow you take relationship milestones like moving in together, you’ll never argue, you’ll never accidentally say something that devastated your partner (and you certainly won’t say something terrible on purpose).
If you are waiting for that perfect and easy relationship, you better get used to being single.
Because no matter how good a match your partner is, and how healthy your relationship is, sometimes it will still be difficult.
4. Expect relationships to be difficult.
Okay, so relationships are hard.
But if that’s what’s keeping you from jumping with both feet, listen up: they’re hard, but they are not forever.
The couples therapists, and the happily married couple, Linda and Charlie Bloomauthors of Secrets of Great Marriages: Real Truth from Real Couples about Lasting Lovethey write in Psychology Today that learning to be in a relationship is like any other skill: you learn it with some hard work and then it flows.
«It takes a lot to endure and get ahead in demanding times»they write. «The effort required is often great and the challenge can be overwhelming, leading many to conclude that it’s not worth it or that they don’t have the energy and perseverance to work forever at this level.»
Hang in there and get over that hump, and it’ll get easier. Promise.
5. You think you don’t have time for romance.
You have a busy life, with many different priorities to juggle.
Between your demanding career, your elderly parents, your siblings in need, your amazing friends, and all your secret ambitions, who has time to devote to a relationship?
Do you really need one more time demand in your life that is already full? Surprisingly, many people think this way.
But what about a love relationship and healthy it’s that it won’t take energy away from all those other aspects of your life.
In fact, it gives you more energy for them. Having a partner makes everything in your life better and easier. If it wasn’t, why would the rest of us bother?
6. You don’t think there’s anyone out there for you.
Look, online dating is enough to test anyone’s faith in humanity.
It’s easy to give up and conclude that there is no one out there for you. Perhaps what you want simply does not exist.
But, really «there’s a lid for every pot». There are millions of people in the world and many of them could be right for you.
You don’t need to settle for an unhappy relationship or resign yourself to living alone forever (unless that’s really what you want and that choice makes you really happy, which is also very valid).
Maybe you’ll take a break from dating for a while and spend some time thinking about what you really want from a relationship, but don’t throw in the towel.
7. You are afraid to ask for what you want.
How many of us are so afraid to ask for what we want that we won’t even admit what we want?
The problem is not your desires. The problem is not that you want too many things. The problem is that you don’t want enough.
The previous sentence urges us, not only to ask for what we want, but to ask for more.
If you don’t ask for it, you won’t get it. So don’t hold back. The only thing standing between you and the relationship you want could very well be yourself.