Married life is not what you thought it would be. You talk about work. You talk about the children. You talk about rush hour traffic.
But you don’t know how to communicate effectively with your spouse about the things that make you a couple. You live in the same house, you sleep in the same bed and you share the same anniversary.
And yet, the communication in your marriage has lost its shine, and your intimacy is paying the price.
When did your fervor for mutual self-disclosure and the sharing of secrets become «superficial» and «just the facts»?
If you recognize your marriage in the description above, you are far from alone.
Every couple can remember the early days of dating and honeymoon, the time when there was only one person in the world whose thoughts mattered.
The very thing that draws couples to each other and forges their bond It is the easiest thing to lose.«I have to spend the rest of my life with you»
One would think that couples put everything worthwhile on the table before marriage.
Apparently he becomes the «admission price» to the dream of conjugal bliss.
Over time, without embargo, that commitment is taken for granted.
the stories that they made that their partner was so fascinating at one time, now they become amazing when they are repeated.
And when the kids and your work make you feel like you need to add extra pages to your schedule, it’s natural to cut back on the nonessentials.
Without prior noticeyou wonder how to get your spouse to contact you.
Unfortunately, the perception of «the essential» is confused with the monotony of the responsibilities from day to day.
It is also buried under the weight of the unfinished emotional «stuff» that is carried into the marriage.
And before you know it, intimacy, true emotional intimacy that surpasses sexual intimacy, takes its foot off the gas and stops.
The most constant complaints he gets from women is that men don’t talk.
The surprising reality, as he claims, is that men actually want to talk more than they do. They really want the connection of intimacy.
If you are the husband or the wife, here are 8 ways to improve your communication skills in marriage and enhance your intimacy.
1. Be honest about your wishes
Do you really want your spouse to talk more…or listen more?
Good and effective communication is healthy reciprocity from both.
But if you feel left out of the potential of your marriage due to bad communication, it is important that you are honest about your needs.
Women who complain that their husbands don’t talk to them often really want their husbands to listen to them.
Not just listening through one ear and the other, but listening with your heart.
2. Create security
Anything can be shared when the sharing environment is secure.
That’s why working with a therapist can make big strides when you don’t know how to get your spouse to communicate.
The absence of communication is often a sign of fear.
Therefore, it is imperative that you never, ever use your spouse’s words against them. You took vows to love, protect and cherish.
When and how did you think you would have to live those vows if not when you are communicating?
Be the safe place to land for your spouse. Take good care of your spouse’s heart and see what comes up when you do.
3. Accept your differences
We can joke all day about how different men and women are. But if we don’t learn from the differences and apply the lessons, we are just wasting valuable information.
When it comes to communication, men and women not only have different styles but also different needs.
Women crave empathy, men crave respect. And their communication styles reflect those differences.
Wives, it can be second nature for you to maintain eye contact during conversations.
You can also weave your conversations together, sometimes cooperatively overlapping or interrupting.
Men, they may feel more comfortable talking while doing something: walking, fishing, gardening.
Sitting face-to-face can create tension for you, so sitting next to each other and taking turns in conversation can be more comfortable.
The important thing is that each seeks to understand the other. Learn your spouse’s love language…and speak it.
4. Listen with intent
Listening is not a waiting game. It is a learning mission.
You are looking for information that will help you to know and love your spouse more intimately.
You won’t see or hear the nuances of information if you’re simply waiting for your spouse to stop talking so you can say what you want to say.
Listen quietly. Listen compassionately. Listen without judging. Do not override, skip or fill in silent gaps.
Even reassuring comments can stop your spouse’s flow and confidence in the safety of the conversation.
If you don’t know how to get your spouse to communicate with you, make an effort to be a good listener. Single. Listen.
Your spouse is gifting you their vulnerability. Treat it with care. To learn. And be thankful.
5. Ask open questions
«Are you okay?» you will probably get a «Yes» in response. «How did you feel listening to the Clarks talk about their retirement?» it opens the door to a real discussion.
By asking open-ended questions, you are more likely to know how much your spouse really wants to share.
6. Timing, timing, timing is everything
Don’t bring up heavy topics when you’re both tired. Communication is successful when partners set it up to be successful.
Be considerate of each other and choose your timing accordingly.
7. Don’t expect (or pretend to be) a mind reader
«He Just Should Know» either «She Can Work It Out» It sets your relationship up for failure, especially when there are expectations attached to the assumptions.
It’s incredibly unfair not to take responsibility for communicating what you want or need if you expect the other person to deliver.
Inevitably, your spouse won’t read your mind properly, and you’ll both end up resentful.
In The four Agreements the agreement that is considered most transformative is that of not making assumptions.
And mind reading falls into the category of making assumptions.
8. Be the spouse you want
The adage that «you teach people how to treat you» joins the golden rule in this advice.
Model the behavior you want from your spouse. Take the risk of being the first to do the right thing.
Listen longer. Make security unequivocal. Speak your spouse’s love language.
Set your relationship up for success by expecting only yourself and trusting that your spouse will respond in kind.
Learning how to get your spouse to communicate with you has less to do with your spouse and everything to do with you.
After all, you are the only one you can control.
Being aware of the importance of communication leads to good and healthy communication skills in all your relationships.
That awareness opens the door to intention, which then sets the stage for positive changes in behavior.
Make healthy communication a priority. You can revitalize, reinvent, and even save your marriage.