Conflict resolution skills play an important role in developing a healthy friendship. A child who is struggling to cope with frustration, for example, is likely to project that frustration onto a friend. A child who has difficulty finding solutions to friendship problems may feel hopeless when an argument ensues. A child who doesn’t know how to verbalize her feelings is likely to freeze up and shut down when a conflict occurs.
The good news is that young children can learn to manage emotions and conflict to learn how to handle difficult friendship situations. With a few strategies, children can solve problems and maintain friendships, even when conflicts occur.
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Show them the traffic light.
Ask your child to close their eyes and imagine a traffic light. When the red light is on, he should take three deep breaths and think of something to calm him down.
When the light turns yellow, it’s time to assess the problem. Can you handle this alone? Do you need help from an adult? Think of two problem-solving strategies that might work.
When the traffic light turns green, have him choose a strategy (ask for help, get out there and run, work on a compromise) and try it out.
Using the red light to calm down helps children better understand the problem and choose a strategy. Practicing the stoplight when your child is calm will also help them remember the process.
Model empathy.
It’s natural for young children to be overwhelmed with big emotions when they encounter a friendship problem. Sometimes a small disagreement feels like a big problem. Listening and showing empathy not only help children feel heard and understood, it also helps them learn to empathize with others.
When your child comes to you to vent about a problem with a friend, get down to their eye level and sympathize. “Looks like you had a rough time with your friend today. I can hear you are frustrated and upset,” shows your child that you listen and understand what they are going through. It is okay for children to experience heated emotions; what matters is what they do to overcome those emotions. Going to a parent for support is a great coping strategy.
Listening and empathy are useful strategies in the moment. Parents do not have to solve all the problems. In fact, we shouldn’t. Providing a safe space to talk and process emotions is the best support.
Practice talking about feelings.
Young children tend to react quickly to upsetting events. Being quick to frustration or engaging in black and white thinking and blaming are common reactions to friendship problems with young children. They need to practice talking about their feelings in a healthy and calm way.
Teach your child to use «I’m sorry» statements when upset with a friend. When children learn to use these statements, they focus on how a behavior affected them without resorting to blame.
“I get angry when something is taken from my hands. Please don’t do that,” affirms the feeling and behavior without arguing or displacing angry feelings. “I feel lonely when I’m not included in recess. Can I join your group next time? «She lets another kid know that feeling left out hurts and offers a solution.
Practice brainstorming solutions.
While it may seem easier to help children solve a problem by telling them what to do about it, children become better problem solvers when they learn to find solutions for themselves.
Get a blank sheet of paper and markers in a variety of colors. Ask your child to describe what happened from beginning to end from his point of view. When they are done, ask them to choose a color and think of three possible solutions to the problem that might work for them. Next, ask her to put herself in the place of her friend or her friend and try to retell the story from your perspective. This can be difficult and may require several attempts. Ask her to choose a color to represent her friend and to think of three possible solutions that might work for her friend. Lastly, ask your child to look for common ground. Is there a solution that can work for both? If not, have him think of three more solutions that fall in between.
Observing the fight from different perspectives, children learn to empathize with their peers and look for solutions that help everyone involved.
Create a jar of sticks to solve problems.
Chances are, your child will come up with many potential solutions when brainstorming problem-solving strategies with you. Write them on popsicle sticks and store them in a glass jar. The next time your child is struggling to find a workable solution to a problem with a peer or sibling, ask them to look at the jar and try one.
Children will experience ups and downs with their friends as they grow and change. That’s part of growing up. By equipping children with coping strategies for these upsetting situations, they will be better able to overcome obstacles and preserve their friendships.