Do you want to know what the experts say about parenting? We do not say it, but science, and although they may seem normal and are used in everyday life, it is not recommended to use the following phrases.
Although many of the phrases that we will name next are quite common today, they may not have such a positive result. The reality is that many of us were raised with a firm hand, with strict methods that did not recognize much merit, however, today the opposite is happening.
Many modern parents tend to excessively exalt the actions of children, with phrases that could affect the development of their self-esteem and self-critical abilities.
1. “You are very smart!”
According to many early childhood development experts, compliments are meant to applaud, and thus motivate, good behavior, and whether or not you’re smart is not a behavior, but rather an ability you can’t control.
“They think that we are born with a certain level of intelligence: if they do well in school it is because they are intelligent, but if they have bad grades it is because they are not”
Commented psychologist Christina Brown.
This is why praising children’s intelligence is not useful and experts recommend praising the efforts of children, much more than their intelligence, since it is something inherent in each person. If everything is attributed to intelligence, when they grow up they will feel disabled when it comes to overcoming obstacles instead of motivated to put forth the necessary effort.
“Phrases like ‘I’m so proud of how hard you work in math’ or ‘I’m so proud of how hard you studied for your test’ tell the child that goals are achieved with effort”
Explains Dr. Brown.
2. “I am proud of your grades!”
Of course, a father is proud of his children’s good grades, and of all his achievements in general, but the recommendation is that instead of commenting on the specific number, it is good to recognize everything he did to achieve it and what has advanced in its process.
“Research has found that people are happier when we are growth oriented”
The psychologist Laura Markham mentions in this regard.
A recent study by Stanford University revealed that reinforcing these processes at an early age will make children feel that they achieved these good grades thanks to the effort and work invested throughout their education, which, in turn, It will generate motivation and a feeling of satisfaction.
This will make them understand their academic progress in a much more realistic way and focused on the growth of achievements and all that this implies, beyond a good grade.
“For example, a child who doesn’t love to read but worked hard to finish his first book should hear words of support: ‘You really worked hard, you stayed focused, and you made it through that book.’ Getting that kind of recognition will make the child more willing to work hard.”
Markham highlighted.
3. “Your drawings are so beautiful!”
This phrase is somewhat complex to understand. Most likely, you genuinely believe that their drawings are the most beautiful thing you have ever seen, however, praising them in an exaggerated way will create the need for them to constantly receive external approval, instead of being satisfied by the simple fact of achieving their goals. personal goals.
“It teaches the child that their work will always be evaluated by others, which lowers their self-confidence. It also teaches them to ‘produce’ more and more paintings with less effort, as they will always look beautiful to their parents”.
Comment the prestigious child psychologist.
What is recommended, in order not to detract from the process in any way, is to recognize the dedication and observe very detailed particularities of the drawing, for example, emphasizing shapes or colors. It is also important to ask them what they think about their drawings.
“It’s not your approval that should matter to them: it’s theirs. Your mission is to stimulate your children’s interest in what they are doing. «Why not focus on the effort and what the child did or felt instead of evaluating the end product?»
Dr. Markham says.
4. “You are good!”
Defining a child as «good» or «bad» implies a judgment directly on themselves and detracts from their actions. The best thing you can do in these cases is to rate your child’s actions or attitudes, not your child himself.
“All children know that they are not always ‘good’ and that they have thoughts and feelings that their parents would not approve of. So if you tell them that they are good, they need to disprove you by behaving badly. Or they could try hard to keep you deceived, which will make them hide their true selves and show themselves as perfect people, which is even worse”
The doctor comments.
Also vibrates with:
5. “You are so pretty!”
More commonly, we make more observations about the physical appearance of girls, not boys. We have it so normalized within our culture that we generally overlook these details, but the reality is that this is clear evidence of the gender inequality to which women are subjected from childhood.
«The problem lies in the messages that girls constantly receive, they are growing up in a culture where their value is always related to their appearance, so the collective message they learn is that they need to be pretty to be valuable.»
Dr. Brown points out.
Extensive research has revealed that at least half of girls suffer from some form of appearance pressure during primary school. On the other hand, being pretty or not is not exactly something that girls can control, especially at such a young age, so it is likely that if a girl does not feel as pretty as the others, she considers herself less valuable.
«In general, there is no reason to assess a girl’s appearance: there are only reasons not to.»
Dr. Markham concludes.
6. “You did great!”
Many parents use this expression constantly, however, it is not the most effective when it comes to motivating little ones, as they could become «addicted» to approval and constant congratulations. It is clear that we love our children and we want to make them feel good, but praising every little action kills their capacity for personal self-evaluation.
“The child learns skills to get the approval of his parents and stops looking for the reward of the skill itself. This removes his own motivation from him.”
Dr. Brown reflected on this.
It is also important to keep in mind that «you did well» is a very unspecific phrase and does not give any kind of precise indication for the child to understand what he did well. The child psychologist proposes to change this generic phrase to positive expressions about specific tasks or achievements, for example, “thank you for helping me set the table”.
7. “You are the best!”
Even if your child is the best at something, which is almost impossible, repeating this to them on an ongoing basis could set unrealistic expectations, thus generating a sense of constant frustration in their development and execution of goals.
“Offering such absolute praise can put pressure on kids and make them think they have to excel at everything, which is practically impossible. Kids can feel worthless, or it can limit them to activities they know they’re good at.»
Dr. Donahue says.
What causes this type of comment is that children stop trying to do things better, since with the minimum effort it will be enough to be flattered. The most effective method of setting and defining goals is to set realistic standards, comparing children only to their past achievements, not to others.
8. Any acknowledgment that is not sincere
Children tend to detect when someone is not being honest with them and they know that you are often not telling the truth when you express supposed pride or interest in what they are doing.
“Children easily recognize when we feel disappointed or when our compliments are weak, insincere or, worse yet, sarcastic. One of the most important wishes of children is to obtain their parents’ sincere love, support and constructive criticism.
Dr. Donahue commented on his research.
For example, if your child doesn’t sing well, it’s best that you acknowledge his value by doing it without shame, rather than lying to him that he did very well. A study carried out in South Korea pointed out that children are very perceptive and sensitive to false or exaggerated comments and that these are closely related to a higher rate of childhood depression.
“Parents should not consider praise and recognition as an option to promote self-esteem because they are not useful for that. Praise is best used to reinforce specific attributes we want to foster in our children to help them become successful adults.”
Donahue finally said.
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