Eric and Patricia had been in a supposedly happy relationship for 12 years. Until one day, he decided to use social media more actively. Three months later, Patricia was at the reception desk of my psychology consultation she burst into tears and clutched a note: “This is all that has left me, what have I done wrong?. When a couple of weeks later she realizes that it is not what she has done that is wrong, a deep feeling of anger is born in Patricia. She still has no news from Eric and asks me, “What is happening to me? If I am not like this”.
I'm falling madly in love…
Does madness in love really exist? Yes, something very similar. You see, I meet someone who really catches my attention and I begin to firmly believe – even if it is a unilateral decision – that he is “the man of my life«So I'll do my best to get to know him.
However, I will have idealized him so much from the beginning that I will turn his defects into virtues and praise his virtues even more, so that he will become almost the “perfect man” and I will end up very much in love with him, hooked on him.
I will be so intoxicated by the elixir of love that I will stop seeing things clearly and, probably, I will see them through his prism, I will have left my will in his hands. But, if that is so, I would only be showing my own insecurity since I would need to depend on a figure that, in reality, I have idealized. This is the main problem in the case that the relationship ends in a breakup: I can't expect others to love me the same way I do.
And much less can you force someone who doesn't love you to do so. This is the turning point of spite: I love him, therefore, he must love me. If that person doesn't want you by his side, he thinks that you are worth too much to be begging for love from someone who doesn't want to give it to you.
Get up, clean your scars and convince yourself of your ability to be with someone better, with real feelings. And, above all, never overdo it; never harass your ex, he has as much right to rebuild his life as you do. Both of you must continue on your way, without looking back.
How to live with or end resentment
In both cases, you must go through the phase of duel corresponding. Before reaching the end of it – which can be long and hard – you will go through various stages: surprise, denial, … You are convinced that you still love each other. But you should not have false illusions or unrealistic expectations. For your own good – it is your fault – You will feel responsible for that person not being with you.
But be careful, you are deceiving yourself again. We all make our own decisions. If he is not with you, it is because he has decided to do so and it is completely independent of your will. You will go through stages of rage, anger at the person who left you, sadness and acceptance. This is the moment when you realise that, when you have fallen to the bottom, there is only one way to go. You distance yourself from the situation and look at the future with more perspective than you had done until now.
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Revenge
According to a study by the University of Missouri (Barber & Cooper, 2014), 35% of those who end a long-term relationship decide to have unrestrained sexual relations while 25% do so more sporadically.
In this attempt to “forget” the person who once made you happy, important mistakes are constantly being made by the person who should forget:
- Start another relationship immediately. You must give and give yourself time. It is necessary for fully complete the grieving phase. With every argument, the fear of losing the relationship will return.
- Drinking alcohol and/or taking drugs to “forget”It is not the solution because neither is it forgotten nor will the other person come back.
- Taking antidepressants. Their consumption helps since they act at the level of the central nervous system but they do not cure because, in fact, Being left by your partner is not a pathology. Unless prescribed by your doctor or psychiatrist, it is not necessary to take medication.
- Isolate yourself at work. It is not recommended because it makes the person sink into a deep sadness which can end in a major depressive disorder.
- Emotionally blackmailing the other person. In order to get her back, there are those who invent non-existent pregnancies, illnesses, and there are even those who attempt suicide or death.
- We are friends. It is another way of not closing the mourning. When a couple breaks up they cannot continue being friends, at least not immediately. It causes resentment and rancor that lead to a relationship based on dependency and self-deception.
How to overcome heartbreak
- Forget about revenge! Turn the page! If they leave us, the other person is left as the strong one while we remain in a position of inferiority. That is why we want to reverse this feeling and, even if we have to wait, we will look for the opportune moment to despise them in the same way that they did with us. It is important that you turn the page: forget about that person, move on with your life and try to be as happy as you can. And think about it; possibly this time, you have “lost” but, perhaps, life had prepared for you to learn that, to win, you must be willing to lose at some point. This is the main key to overcoming spite.
“Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm” (Churchill)
- Zero contact. No memory. Anything that might remind us of the other person: gifts, photos, personal accessories, etc. only serve to keep mental doors open that serve for revenge, idealization, which makes it difficult to close the mourning process.
The most important thing, once we end a relationship, is to take a cardboard box and, in it, place all the objects we have from the relationship. It is also important to delete their WhatsApp contact – because if not, we will fall into the temptation of looking at how, and with whom, their photo changes, which will only cause us more pain as well as our connection with the other person, on any social network that we shared at the time.
- Don't stay home! That is the best way for your thoughts about why, yes, those that have no answer, to fill your mind and block you emotionally, producing a real psychological disorder. So, get up! Look at what a wonderful day you have been given and occupy your free time: exercise, walk along the beach, go to the cinema or the theatre, enjoy dinners with your friends, look for new challenges at work… your time is yours and you need to regain your confidence, go for it!
- Be positive. Even from the most negative things we think are happening to us, we can extract a positive experience that will make us grow emotionally as a person. You probably don't see it now, but perhaps your attitude right now is not exactly the most open and positive possible. The most important thing is what you think about having a relationship.
- Don't feel sorry. You must try to overcome it by accepting all the mistakes that both of you have made and being aware of them, above all, so as not to make them again. But if you feel sorry for yourself, for the broken relationship, you will end up generating a feeling of pity in those around you and, as we have already said, this will make you project an image of a dependent and insecure person, with low self-esteem, which does not help you at all. Life goes on, do not close yourself off to new possibilities that, with this attitude, you will not see.
- Stay in touch with your family and social context. Now more than ever, you need the support and affection of your family and friends. Allow them to be close to you, to share your emotions and feelings, they will give you quality time and help you remember how you were, how you behaved before the relationship that has just broken up.
It should be easier for you to adopt a more realistic perspective of what is happening – supported by what your family and friends tell you. And, in this way, you will avoid running after your ex begging for a reconciliation – even if you know it will not work; you know “second parts are never as good” – but that, many times, after the breakup.